Need info about kallah covering hair at her wedding

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amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:02 pm

OK - need some clarification on this. Who has the custom for the kallah to cover her hair at her wedding? Hasidim? If so which ones? Regular Haredim?

My daughter has become Breslov and her chatan just told her about this. She's very against shaitels and we are both horrified to think of her wearing a scarf at her wedding!

I heard once that this is just the minhag in Jerusalem. We live in Israel. Anyone who can shine some light on this please do!!

watergirl

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:14 pm

Are you the same poster as before whos dd was dating a bt breslover? If so, mazel Tov!

Its not a breslov minhag specifically to cover hair at the wedding. Maybe its his rav's minhag, which is a bit different. In breslov, we usually keep our minhagim and there isnt a set levush. Your dd should speak to her rav and his rav - especially because his rav will become hers.

There's no reason at all to project the fact that you were horrified at the idea of her walking down the aisle and a scarf on to her. It's your job to be supportive and not show her that your horrified. It makes it a lot easier for her to do it. Just be supportive.

If she does end up covering at the wedding, maybe she can wear a sheitel just for the wedding- I understand that she is against wigs (I kind of am too!) bit seeing as she isnt actualy married at this point, maybe its an inbetween time that she will feel the most comfortable with.

Notsobusy

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:14 pm

I think I remember that whether the kallah covers her hair goes according to her minhag. I don't know what Breslovers do, but I can see why she wouldn't want to wear a scarf to her own wedding.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:20 pm

Thanks for the info - so if his rav says so she has to do it? She has some rabainim she likes but can she really have her own rav? Isn't her father's rav her rav until she gets married? Our rav definitely doesn't hold you have to cover your hair at your wedding.

Yes- horrified. She's horrified, I'm horrified. The kallah should be happy and feel good at her wedding. I think if she's extremely upset about this then she shouldn't have to do it. After all, it's only minhag! I want her to be happy so I feel I am supporting her by looking into this and getting the low down.

watergirl wrote:

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:23 pm

I hope this is true!!

glutenless wrote:

I think I remember that whether the kallah covers her hair goes according to her minhag. I don't know what Breslovers do, but I can see why she wouldn't want to wear a scarf to her own wedding.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Coral

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:25 pm

When we were engaged DH told me his family's minhag is to cover for the wedding. He was told it is better followed his family minhag but it is okay if I do mine. In the end my family's minhag is even worse - 1/2 off and 1/2 on so I just did his.

Notsobusy

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:26 pm

amother wrote:

Is her chatan aware that she's horrified? I agree that no one should force a kallah to cover her hair at her wedding. I think that they should go together to a rav who she thinks will be understanding. If it's really an issue, Watergirl had a good idea that she can wear a wig just to her wedding. Good luck and Mazel Tov!

cnc

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:28 pm

There are special headpieces made for this.
I don't know anyone that wore a plain scarf to their wedding.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:30 pm

Thanks. What kind of headpieces do you mean? Something different from a shaitel?

cnc wrote:

There are special headpieces made for this.
I don't know anyone that wore a plain scarf to their wedding.

cnc

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:34 pm

Yes usually to match the gown. White with beading or pearls etc. They're beautiful.
I'll see if I can find a picture to link.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:34 pm

This give me hope.
Just curious - what does 1/2 off and 1/2 on mean?

amother wrote:

amother

Sienna

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:38 pm

I would be very interested to see this.

cnc wrote:

Yes usually to match the gown. White with beading or pearls etc. They're beautiful.
I'll see if I can find a picture to link.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

cnc

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 6:46 pm

https://www.google.com/search?.....WM%3A

Zoom in on the kallah.
This one is quite ostentatious, I'll see if I can find any simpler ones.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 7:24 pm

Like I've said in other threads - Breslov usually goes in favor of the wife's wants. She needs to talk about it with his/her/whichever rav they follow. Who is the Rav?

And again - you can be horrified if youd like. But how will that help her? Your job is to support her, not to egg her on. Lets say she comes to terms and makes peace with covering her hair at the wedding - you shouldn't get in the way of that. Be horrified quietly, and when your with her, browse wrapunzel and look at the beautiful white lace scarves they sell.

I promise there will be other things that will come along in their marriage that you wont like. Better to learn now not to voice when you are in disagreement and not get in the way of shalom bayis.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 9:23 pm

amother wrote:

I would be very interested to see this.

Look at simcha spot on instagram or their website you will see all kinds of kallahs wearing all kinds of things

Maya

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 9:39 pm

Why in the world would anyone suggest that type of head covering to a woman who is horrified at the thought of covering her hair at her wedding? I'd have been horrified to wear that at my wedding, and I was a Satmar bride.

The OP's daughter should find a way to either wear a wig or leave her hair uncovered for the wedding.

DrMom

Tue, Apr 12 2016, 10:00 pm

cnc wrote:

https://www.google.com/search?q=YouTube&oq=YouTube&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60j0l2.2390j0j4&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#q=satmar+mitzvah+tantz&imgrc=geBZX8aMGmgFWM%3A

Zoom in on the kallah.
This one is quite ostentatious, I'll see if I can find any simpler ones.

I really can't see a kallah who doesn't want to cover wearing *that* at her wedding.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 3:23 am

I know you mean well and there is some truth in what you are saying, but you don't understand the situation. Hasidic life and customs is new to my daughter. She didn't grow up with it. She thinks that everything is halacha and she has to agree to everything otherwise she will will go to hell. I am not overstating this. She does many things out of fear. She thinks everything is halacha and doesn't understand there are grey areas, different interpretations and many things are simply minhag. I do not want her to quietly accept things that might make her very unhappy. She needs to know she has a voice and that halacha is to live with and there is often wiggle room. A bride is supposed to feel good about herself and be happy at her wedding!

BTW, horrified was an exaggeration. I know many people wear shaitels at their wedding but a tichel, as pretty as it might be, is not something I've ever seen except in pictures of extremely hasidic weddings. That is simple not her or us. If she/they decide to do this I hope she will at least wear a shaitel. Even though she is against them in principle, she might agree just for the wedding.

watergirl wrote:

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 4:05 am

amother wrote:

Maybe she needs to be able to read up Halachos herself? If she can read Hebrew, she can ask someone where it discusses these halachos- then she can see the grey aspects too.
My sister covered her hair at her wedding for her husbands family minhag- the Shaitel Macher she went to had Shaitels kallas could rent- long and able to be out up they way they want. She also blended my sisters hair with her Shaitel in the front (making it look more natural). My sister keeps her hair fully covered now but knew it wasn't straight out Halacha to do so at her wedding and this made her feel that she looked good.

JoyInTheMorning

Wed, Apr 13 2016, 4:32 am

OP, I know the general consensus in the frum community about not doing anything to break up a shidduch, but is it possible to put the breaks on this? Slow it down?

We're adults on here. We know that when a girl is in the throes of emotion --- whether it's toward a movement (Breslov / Chassidism) in general or an individual boy --- she is not always making rational decisions. It sounds like your daughter is just railroading into this.

Can you force the couple to wait six months to calmly talk everything over? Six months isn't a long time. Let your daughter learn, at least, the differences between halacha and minhag. Let her learn to discuss this with her chatan. As they say in middle school parlance, let her learn to self-advocate. Let her learn to negotiate. As her mother, you want to try to make sure she has these essential life skills. Otherwise, she's not really ready to leave the nest, is she?

If she can't self-advocate and negotiate now, how happy will she be when she is married and more important issues come up?

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