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What's the point?
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 12:52 pm
Can someone explain to me what might be the point of a random stranger man (always black men, in my experience) to yell at me "you're gorgeous" when I am walking briskly past and he clearly doesn't have a chance with me and I clearly won't stop for him? What kind of enjoyment can he get out of it? Or is he just trying to harass women?
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:00 pm
You are asking a bunch of white frum women how the mind of a black male works...doubt you'll get any helpful answers...but I can tell you , that when they do that to me, I take it as a annoucement "time to lose weight" I am tall and am pretty curvy...the bigger my behind gets the more "calls" and honking I get from black males...it makes me want to puke, it makes my DH laugh and it makes me realize it's time to lose weight NOW!
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:12 pm
you can take this up in the other thread where they talk about hispanics Rolling Eyes

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....76230
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:27 pm
amother wrote:
You are asking a bunch of white frum women how the mind of a black male works...doubt you'll get any helpful answers...but I can tell you , that when they do that to me, I take it as a annoucement "time to lose weight" I am tall and am pretty curvy...the bigger my behind gets the more "calls" and honking I get from black males...it makes me want to puke, it makes my DH laugh and it makes me realize it's time to lose weight NOW!


Not everyone here is white.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:33 pm
Actually, it's a cultural thing. I'll try to find some titles, but there are a number of books and articles written about seemingly weird little differences in African-American and European-American culture. When I was working in multi-cultural urban settings years ago, I found them incredibly helpful, and talking about them is a great ice-breaker when two or more cultural groups have to work together.

Unless it's accompanied by a physical move, the kind of interaction you're describing is simply considered a compliment, a way of bringing a little more joy into the world and letting you know that you've been noticed and appreciated. It's not meant to embarrass you or demean you, and it's not meant as any type of proposition. The right response is a smile, saying "thank you," and/or "you have a good day."

I know. The same thing would be totally creepy if done by most European-American guys. But if you respond with a smile and a word or two of thanks, you find that it really does make your day better to have had someone thank you just for being your adorable self.
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glamourmom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:41 pm
Fox wrote:
Actually, it's a cultural thing. I'll try to find some titles, but there are a number of books and articles written about seemingly weird little differences in African-American and European-American culture. When I was working in multi-cultural urban settings years ago, I found them incredibly helpful, and talking about them is a great ice-breaker when two or more cultural groups have to work together.

Unless it's accompanied by a physical move, the kind of interaction you're describing is simply considered a compliment, a way of bringing a little more joy into the world and letting you know that you've been noticed and appreciated. It's not meant to embarrass you or demean you, and it's not meant as any type of proposition. The right response is a smile, saying "thank you," and/or "you have a good day."

I know. The same thing would be totally creepy if done by most European-American guys. But if you respond with a smile and a word or two of thanks, you find that it really does make your day better to have had someone thank you just for being your adorable self.


Thumbs Up you get the thumbs up again, Fox.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:44 pm
fox has a way of making things good ... nice perspective ~ then again she is fox[y] Wink
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:45 pm
Fox wrote:
Actually, it's a cultural thing. I'll try to find some titles, but there are a number of books and articles written about seemingly weird little differences in African-American and European-American culture. When I was working in multi-cultural urban settings years ago, I found them incredibly helpful, and talking about them is a great ice-breaker when two or more cultural groups have to work together.

Unless it's accompanied by a physical move, the kind of interaction you're describing is simply considered a compliment, a way of bringing a little more joy into the world and letting you know that you've been noticed and appreciated. It's not meant to embarrass you or demean you, and it's not meant as any type of proposition. The right response is a smile, saying "thank you," and/or "you have a good day."

I know. The same thing would be totally creepy if done by most European-American guys. But if you respond with a smile and a word or two of thanks, you find that it really does make your day better to have had someone thank you just for being your adorable self.


This is helpful and gives me something to think about. If it was a black woman who said it, I could see it being cultural. But the guy was like, "ma'am you are gorgeous. You are gorgeous. Gorgeous. Girl." He said it until I walked out of earshot. It just seemed more harassing than complimentary to me. It was also in a very loud voice- he was shouting.
(Why do black men like me? I always get comments. I'm super pale, dark hair, slim with not much of a booty to speak of. I mean, I'm pretty but totally not what I think a black guy would be interested in)
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:47 pm
Sadie wrote:
Not everyone here is white.


I'm sorry if someone was offended, I didn't think of that, but you are darn right. I stand corrected.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 1:56 pm
I realize that the OP wasn't asking how for an in-depth dissertation, but anyone who works with or just has regular contact with various African-American communities will find these pretty valuable:

Black and White Styles in Conflict

Corporate Tribalism

Basically, a lot of nice European-Americans like yours truly have wonderful intentions but would never dream in a million years what might or might not actually be offensive. These books have lots of specific examples that prevent you from doing the wrong thing inadvertantly (e.g., doing anything to your long, especially blond, hair in a multi-racial setting) as well as avoiding understandings (e.g., white women bond be sharing person information; black women, not so much. Just because she doesn't share back doesn't mean she doesn't like you).

Obviously, these are all generic observations, and we have an increasing biracial cohort in the US that doesn't necessarily conform to everything in these books. But with that caveat, it's still incredibly valuable just in helping make day-to-day interactions go smoothly.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 2:04 pm
amother wrote:
This is helpful and gives me something to think about. If it was a black woman who said it, I could see it being cultural. But the guy was like, "ma'am you are gorgeous. You are gorgeous. Gorgeous. Girl." He said it until I walked out of earshot. It just seemed more harassing than complimentary to me. It was also in a very loud voice- he was shouting.
(Why do black men like me? I always get comments. I'm super pale, dark hair, slim with not much of a booty to speak of. I mean, I'm pretty but totally not what I think a black guy would be interested in)


So here's what happened:

He paid you what he believed to be a relatively innocent compliment, and you interpreted it as something threatening or aggressive. His use of "ma'am" is his signal that this is just a have-a-nice-day kind of comment.

You ignored him, thinking he would stop. But that just makes him think you're a snooty white girl, and now he's gonna tease you a little.

That's why you have to acknowledge the compliment. Once you've thanked him, you've ended the interaction.

Sure, there's an element of s-xual attraction at play, but that's not really what it's about. It's more about acknowledging that your beauty is making the world a better place. You might get a similar compliment, for example, from a man who sees you routinely but notices that you've dressed up a little more or have done something to your hair or makeup.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 2:36 pm
Fox wrote:
So here's what happened:

He paid you what he believed to be a relatively innocent compliment, and you interpreted it as something threatening or aggressive. His use of "ma'am" is his signal that this is just a have-a-nice-day kind of comment.

You ignored him, thinking he would stop. But that just makes him think you're a snooty white girl, and now he's gonna tease you a little.

That's why you have to acknowledge the compliment. Once you've thanked him, you've ended the interaction.

Sure, there's an element of s-xual attraction at play, but that's not really what it's about. It's more about acknowledging that your beauty is making the world a better place. You might get a similar compliment, for example, from a man who sees you routinely but notices that you've dressed up a little more or have done something to your hair or makeup.


I hear you. I still won't reapnd (if such a thing happens to me again) because I wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea, and in keeping with the culture theme- just as its normal for the guy to compliment me, it's normal for white women to ignore compliments they get from strange guys (white, black or multi hued).
But at least I won't feel victimized, knowing what you've shared, fox. Thank you.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 4:11 pm
amother wrote:
I hear you. I still won't reapnd (if such a thing happens to me again) because I wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea, and in keeping with the culture theme- just as its normal for the guy to compliment me, it's normal for white women to ignore compliments they get from strange guys (white, black or multi hued).
But at least I won't feel victimized, knowing what you've shared, fox. Thank you.


I've had this a lot and wouldn't call it harassment, just like fox said, it's a friendly compliment. I smile and nod and keep walking. I've gotten compliments from white men as well. For example, I was walking with a friend and we both had our babies in strollers and a man said you are two of the most beautiful/ s-xy moms I've ever seen! We said thank you and walked on. He couldn't have been trying to harass us babies and all. I think as frum Jews, we are programmed to be hypersensitive around the opposite s-x and that's also cultural.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 4:23 pm
I agree about compliment vs harassment. If someone says something nice about you, it's a compliment. Harassment would be stating they want to have s*x with you.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 4:58 pm
one time dd#3 and I were walking to shul or something and a man sitting on a porch blurted something out ... I responded with a hello and a smile and continued walking ... I then told my daughter that in cases as such you always respond but you never ever stop

on the way back home he was still there only behaving obviously creepy ... she wanted to know how I could tell

call it intuition ... however, I would rather not give a stranger the benefit either way ... and it's always polite to be nice - if he was gonna start up it was defused by the returned gesture ... but we were safely on the go
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youngishbear




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 5:37 pm
gp2.0 wrote:
I agree about compliment vs harassment. If someone says something nice about you, it's a compliment. Harassment would be stating they want to have s*x with you.


I find the word s-xy offensive, though I get that it is synonymous with "gorgeous" in that context.

I'd rather not get such compliments, and as someone posted, I don't need to step out of my confort zone to accommodate someone else's cultural norm - if it feels like a violation of my boundaries.
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pointyshoes




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 5:54 pm
I feel that responding opens up communication and gives them attention. It may be an innocent compliment but I feel that there are so many perverts today and I just prefer not to engage.
It may be me being overcautious but in my experience, you get less hurt being overcautious than under cautious.
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cbsp




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 13 2016, 11:03 pm
youngishbear wrote:

I'd rather not get such compliments, and as someone posted, I don't need to step out of my comfort zone to accommodate someone else's cultural norm - if it feels like a violation of my boundaries.


This. 1,000 times this.

(anyone see the irony of this thread as compared to the "we must be culturally sensitive about our Purim costumes" thread?)
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 14 2016, 12:20 am
cbsp wrote:
This. 1,000 times this.

(anyone see the irony of this thread as compared to the "we must be culturally sensitive about our Purim costumes" thread?)


It's only ironic if it's the same people making the argument.
I am in favor of being culturally sensitive on Purim, and I consider much of what is described in this thread to be street harassment, and am surprised that so many people here are okay with it.
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cbsp




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 14 2016, 12:37 am
Sadie wrote:
It's only ironic if it's the same people making the argument.
I am in favor of being culturally sensitive on Purim, and I consider much of what is described in this thread to be street harassment, and am surprised that so many people here are okay with it.


Yup, that was my point. Don't have a problem with being culturally sensitive on Purim, definitely think this case is harassment. Please don't send me to do research before I am permitted to justifiably say I'm offended. In my own country.
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