How do I help | Imamother

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:46 am

My college aged daughter has a habit of becoming"paralyzed when there is too much to do. For example, right now she has responsibilities for pesach and also has two papers due before friday. I haven't been well and she is my only DC still home, so basically it's all on her. She is absolutely freaked out by how much she has to do. So she is reacting by reading, emailing her friends, and generally not doing what she needs to do. I have tried telling her that this just makes a bad situation worse, but she doesn't respond well to pressure. I know that at her age possibly I should just let her work it out for herself, but I hate seeing her so very stressed.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:53 am

She sounds just like me. When I'm overwhelmed, I freeze up and retreat.

Can you give her a list of the things that absolutely MUST be done, and let some little things slide? Can you call around and borrow a friend's cleaning lady for an hour to get the floors done?

I'm also very unwell, and my only child is 12, so there's not a lot she can do to help. DH is working major overtime, so he can't help with much either.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 11:57 am

Frantic, what techniques have you come up with to deal with this? It is very much not me (I have my own issues but not this one) so I don't know how to help her. As you understand,this has implications besides pesach.

But as it happens, I ha already begged all my friends and now have a cleaning lady for 4 hours today. I can't afford it but this good kid has been through too much this year as it is.

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 2:22 pm

amother wrote:

it sounds like your daughter is someone who would benefit from giving herself ample time to do the tasks necessary. I'm like that. I start pesach cleaning well before purim and aim to kasher at least a week before pesach. otherwise I'm a wreck. it's difficult to do that with college papers if the students aren't aware of the topics early enough or if there's too much additional coursework. freezing when one is overloaded is not uncommon. close off as much of the kitchen as possible and limit the pesach cleaning. honestly, you don't have to clean for pesach other than the kitchen and dining room. you can collect the chometz from elsewhere during bedikas chometz. that's what it's for.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 2:47 pm

Mummie Dearest, it is not a question of her having ample time. We began talking about some aspects of pesach prep shortly after purim but pretty much at any time that a lot of work and juggling is involved it freaks her out. And we do the absolute minimum that can be done. There are no small children in this house so basically it is the kitchen and diningroom, mostly vacuuming. And she is aware of the topics for her papers, etc. The issue is how to teach her to not panic about these things, whether it's 4 weeks before or 4 days before.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Apr 19 2016, 3:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

mummiedearest

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 3:14 pm

amother wrote:

Mummie Dearest, it is not a question of her having ample time. We began talking about some aspects of pesach prep shortly after pesach but pretty much at any time that a lot of work and juggling is involved it freaks her out. And we do the absolute minimum that can be done. There are no small children in this house so basically it is the kitchen and diningroom, mostly vacuuming. And she is aware of the topics for her papers, etc. The issue is how to teach her to not panic about these things, whether it's 4 weeks before or 4 days before.

I don't think you personally can do that. she may benefit from therapy, but it's partially personality. you can teach her to draw up a schedule on a calendar so she can do a few small tasks a day, but there's no guarantee it will help.

the kitchen is enough to induce anxiety in anyone, which is why I recommend closing some of it off for pesach.

Last edited by mummiedearest on Tue, Apr 19 2016, 5:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 3:23 pm

I don't know if therapy would help or not. There are specific ADD life coaches out there who are amazing, and many have ADD themselves so they know what they're talking about. Start googling in your area, and check out references. Life coaches are not covered by insurance, but a couple of sessions could be more helpful than a year of therapy, and certainly cheaper than cleaning help - in the long run.

Sometimes there are things that kids just can't hear from their parents, that they can hear from a coach or mentor.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 3:23 pm

I know all about this. I've been trying to get myself to clean up my desk and my sewing room for weeks and weeks. I think I will probably stay up late tonight because I can't leave it much longer...

And I kept telling myself, do 15 minutes... but it's so overwhelming I always end up saying, I don't feel so well or I'm way too tired today, maybe I'll be up to it tomorrow. Until there's no more time.

Or once my Dh made a comment about my desk & I got very insulted & stayed up til 5 am cleaning it just to show him I could...(Usually he's quite nice... don't start recommending counseling : )

musicmom

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 4:23 pm

I am one of those people that just can't multitask. I found the ADD- friendly way to organize your life by Judith Kolberg to be really helpful.

Some ideas I integrate daily are writing a list in my daily planner every day and sometimes putting things in specific dates so you do not see them all at once. For example, I schedule a lot of tasks for days off from work.

I also prioritize on my list. I have also heard of making a quadrant, what to do now top priority vs. lowest priority.

For someone with add tendencies I will reiterate that all priorities seem pressing. For me scanning pictures seems just as important as vacuuming a living room.

I think it is really great you are getting cleaning help, because for a girl that is overwhelmed, schoolwork should be her top priority. Also, sometimes you need free time to unwind or chat with friends every day to process things.

Maybe if you don't make demands, but a list of things you would be super- pleased if she was able to do if she has extra time, it would help to take the pressure off.

Good luck!

amother

Amber

Tue, Apr 19 2016, 4:49 pm

Your daughter sounds exactly like me, and I have a not well known learning disorder called NVLD, which affects executive function in much the same way ADD does. May be worth getting her checked out for it.

Like your DD, I freak out majorly when I have a huge list of things to do and shut down. For me, part of the reason is because it's way too many steps for my brain to process at once. For example, to make a drink from the SodaStream is not just "get bottle fill up with water carbonate bottle, pour syrup" it's "Get up from couch, get bottle, open bottle, turn on sink, fill up bottle, close bottle, find syrup, open syrup, measure syrup, carbonate bottle, pour syrup, rush to close bottle so not to lose carbonation, rush to close syrup before it spills, get cup, pour soda."

You can imagine why anyone would freak out when they have to process so many steps at once.

Ironically, one of the ways to help it IS to break down the steps. I need to do one process completely before I start another. So instead of doing laundry, folding laundry, and putting laundry away all on the same day, I do them on separate days.

So maybe instead of telling DD to do "this this and that" tell her, "I want you to wash the fleshing dishes." And only when she's done with that, give her the next task. If that's too much, you can even say, "I want you to wash the cutlery." Then have her wash dishes, then pots, and so on.

Goldie613

Wed, Apr 20 2016, 2:38 am

What about if you help her break down her assignment into small steps? Like others have mentioned, sometimes things can seem overwhelming if taken as one large unit. A paper can be broken into steps like find the handouts/assignment, read the assignment over, find the websites needed to research the paper, make an outline for the paper, etc, etc. By breaking things down into small chunks it might not seem as overwhelming to her.

madys

Wed, Apr 20 2016, 9:58 am

My 9th grade daughter gets very stressed out about school assignments and frequently breaks down crying. She met with her adviser yesterday about her workload (the school gave her a TON of assignments over Pesach which I think is unfair)

I don't think in my daughters case it's ADD, I think it's more anxiety. She was treated by a psychologist in 4th grade to help her with coping techniques for anxiety and it helped her then, I think we need to revisit that.

Something for you to consider.

greenfire

Wed, Apr 20 2016, 12:39 pm

people who cannot deal - procrastinate Wave

you cannot change them & going on-line, etc. is her way of relaxing therapy

the only suggestion is they have to do things slowly & on their own time & in their own way

however, a child - regardless of your inability to clean for yourself or why - shouldn't have to be so responsible for the entire house ... please college is overwhelming - pesach cleaning is overwhelming - take the help to clean fridge & stove and then let the rest go

refuah shelaima & good luck !!!

Rubber Ducky

Wed, Apr 20 2016, 12:56 pm

Your daughter sounds like me!

I pretty much agree with Musicmom above: make lists in writing. Set daily/weekly/monthly goals. Prioritize the jobs. Keep individual tasks small enough to not become overwhelming. Be sure to schedule in breaks and/or "rewards" for staying on target.