spoiled brats | Imamother

amother

Natural

Tue, Apr 26 2016, 5:39 am

They kvetch and complain all day long. Want to go to amusement park (we can't afford it) I make a special dinner , they say yuck I don't like it Arrange to take them to a park/playground, a new one far away they have never been to before, take them , they complain - I don't like parks. I ask them to come for dinner, they and their father, come when they feel like it 15 minutes later.

Please clear the table we will have special dessert. One only clears, and complains and cries the whole time.

That went to bed after that.

I can't face the day.

Lower ave upper elementary age. I'm sick of being treated like shmatta.

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 26 2016, 8:53 am

First of all, I hate the term "brat". From wikipedia: "A spoiled child, spoiled brat, or simply a brat is a derogatory term aimed at a child who exhibits behavioral problems from overindulgence by their parents. Children and teens who are perceived as spoiled may be described as "overindulged", "grandiose", "narcissistic" or "egocentric-regressed". Perception is an important term, because when the child is suffering from a disability such as autism, observers may judge them as "spoiled" without an understanding of the whole picture. There is no accepted scientific definition of what "spoiled" means, and professionals are often unwilling to use the label because it is considered vague, insulting and derogatory.[1] Being spoiled is not recognized as a mental disorder in any of the medical manuals, such as the ICD-10[2] or the DSM-IV,[3] neither is it part of the proposed revision of this manual, the DSM-5.[4]"

SO if a child is a "brat", it is because of overindulgence from the parents. A child won't be spoiled unless someone spoils him.

Children will, however, act like children. You can help them learn proper behavior by teaching them (not by calling them derogatory names). Kvetching is an immature way of expressing sadness. Show that that it won't press your buttons.

You make supper- they claim not to like it. Maybe they really don't like it? Or maybe it's just not what they wanted. Calmly tell them they don't need to like it but this is what's for supper. Then eat and enjoy. Ignore all other kvetching. Or you can decide whether you allow other choices for supper- but your decision should be made before the kvetching begins and you need to stick with it.

It is understandable that they want to go on an exciting trip, and they don't appreciate the expense. It is sad for them not to be able to do the fun things their friends are probably doing. Acknowledge that, then go to the park and make it fun. Anyone who kvetches doesn't have to join if they don't want to.

If you say clear the table for dessert, also say that whoever clears off without kvetching will get dessert. All others can watch the happy helpers eat. Their choice.

And when you call them in for supper, maybe they are busy doing something? Would a 5 minute warning before supper be helpful to get them to transition quicker?

Last edited by amother on Wed, Mar 13 2019, 2:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Apr 26 2016, 1:15 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

So not the point. And hurtful to boot.

OP I hope things get better for you soon.

amother

Gray

Tue, Apr 26 2016, 2:40 pm

amother wrote:

So not the point. And hurtful to boot.

OP I hope things get better for you soon.

I'm sorry you found my post hurtful. My point was only that people shouldn't call their kids derogatory names. And to show that if you're going to call your kids brats, you are criticizing yourself and not them.

It is much easier to deal with kids if you see them as people with valid feelings.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Mar 13 2019, 2:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

MamaBear

Tue, Apr 26 2016, 2:49 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

Your point was not helpful to the OP's problem at all.

I find your screen name ironic.

Last edited by MamaBear on Tue, Apr 26 2016, 3:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Natural

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 1:22 am

Thank you cobalt and mama bear for your empathy. that's really what my kids needed, empathy. but I had run out. Thank you for replenishing my supply. Guess I was just venting . We had a better day today. We were probably ALL just tired.

Worldsbestmom you are probably right. But you see 1 of my children has autism and that was not the one who was being difficult . You probably are the best mom in the world and im probably the worst. But you haven't met my children on a bad day.

And everyone else thanks for chiming on.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 1:23 am

I don't blame the OP for using the word "brat". It's a figure of speech. I just hope that she's using it here, and not around her children.

There have been times that I've thought "I feel like I could strangle DD.", but of course I would never say that around her. Does that make me a potential murderer? No, it makes me a frustrated mom. I think we all have thoughts like that in our darkest moments.

Don't fixate on the word, listen to the pain that causes the OP to express the feelings behind the word. Nit picking is not going to help anyone.

DrMom

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 1:28 am

cnc wrote:

I guess it's all a matter of perspective and I actually thought the poster had an interesting perspective on the OP's post.

Was the OP lookin for actual advice or she just wanted to vent?
If she wanted advice I think pretty good advice was given.

Agreed. The advice given suggested that the OP look to how she and her DH have been raising and disciplining their kids for clues to explain her childrens' behavior, and for suggestions for how to turn their behavior around. Why do people find this objectionable?

israelgirl

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 12:50 pm

Sounds like 'kids' to me! Mine do the same at times. We just went to the park, had one crying that he doesn't want to be there, the other was crying someone was pushing her on the slide, we came home everyone refused to eat something I spent time preparing.....frustrating but NORMAL!

I sort of tune out....you don't want to eat? No problem. Your loss. You don't want to be in the park? Come sit next to me and we'll talk....etc. Try not to let ur frustration escalate and view them as regular kids who still need to learn how to show hakaras hatov-not spoiled brats.

animeme

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 5:14 pm

OP, sometimes kids with autism who have good behavioral programs behave much more reliably than "regular"kids. My asd kid can't adapt well to situations and will not be the one to notice if I need help. But give a direct command, and he is the one who has been trained to follow it exactly and promptly and to follow routine. He's also the only one of my kids to do his own laundry without complaining, because I tell him to, and make it as matter of fact and mandatory as getting dressed in the morning. He's also more likely to listen when he really doesn't feel like it and is off a bit, because he never feels like it and is always off.

So you may be shooting yourself in the foot by thinking, "even the autistic one is listening."