"Do you have a place to eat?"

Mevater

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 1:22 pm

greenfire wrote:

"Do you have a place to eat?" vs. "Would you like to join us for the seuda?"

there's a difference ... the latter is an actual invitation whereas the first one is like um notsomuch

just sayin'

As usual, Green, you hit the nail on the head!

The "Do you have a place to eat?" is a way of saying- If no one else invited you, you can come to me! Not very inviting!

Lets all learn from that!

newmom1987

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 1:38 pm

Totally. When I moved to my community, a snobby woman, I don't mind saying, said "If you ever need a meal, just ask." I don't NEED a meal. I can make my own meal. Did you want to get to know me? Then invite me over.

watergirl

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 2:07 pm

I used to call this the "uninvitation". When I first got married, people would tell me "call us when you would like to come for shabbos" or "call when you need a meal". Umm, I never need a meal. So I would reply with "call me when you would like us to join you". I never got calls from those people.

The thing with these is that it allows the uninvited to feel that they are "yotzei" hachnasas orchim with out actually having to host. Like, hey, I tried. They never took me up on it. Not my fault. People - I am married. I cook and host often. I am not going to call you for an invite, ever.

When I moved out of the city where I lived for shana rishona, a few people said to me that they felt badly that they never got to know us - how come I never came to them. So I'd tell them - you never invited us! One husband and wife didnt get it at all. So I took a second and explained why I never called them.

People, take a second and call up those who you would like to join you. Dont put the pressure on that person.

MitzadSheini

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 5:46 pm

greenfire wrote:

"Do you have a place to eat?" vs. "Would you like to join us for the seuda?"

there's a difference ... the latter is an actual invitation whereas the first one is like um notsomuch

just sayin'

100% agree. And thanks for pointing it out, because whilst many times I agree it's a "nonivitation" (what we call here a Clayton's invite'), other times people might be just using it as a turn of phrase w/o realizing how hurtful it is

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 5:56 pm

Interesting perspective, actually. I have a few people over the years whom I have extended the 'anytime you are going to be eating alone, don't unless you want to, because we'd like you to come' invite. I never do invites well and really in this community we all potluck a lot so the only true guests I ever have are the ones who take me up on inviting themselves. I am a caterer. My life is pretty crazy and unpredictable. I can plan to have guests and then it all falls apart when I need to do a funeral on Friday afternoon. So we don't really invite anyone who wouldn't be happy with a pb and j for Shabbat. It's never happened, but it could. And I invite people who truly need to know that we are there for them but who don't need ppl feeling sorry for them. I'd go into more detail but my heart sings when they show up at my door, unannounced (usually.) and it seems to me they are glad that they can join us, essentially whenever they are alone and we are home.

MitzadSheini

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 6:08 pm

andrea levy wrote:

So THAT is a very interesting perspective to me. So glad you posted that. I'll really think about that in the future (I'm not at a stage of where I'm getting "need a place" type invitations BH). So interesting how Hashem has made us all so different.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 11:29 pm

mtzadhasheini wrote:

Even more interesting, one of my non invites cause you're always welcome just invited herself for all three yom Tov meals we are home for today! She was so happy not to be eating alone and we are happy she is coming!

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Apr 27 2016, 11:35 pm

I've been thinking of this topic all day. Sure, there are a lot of people who don't take me up on my non invitations but I am only responsible for doing what I can handle in a given day. If someone doesn't follow up because of their own pride or other mental limitations ( not because they just want to eat st home, alone) then that is their problem. If they want company, I've told them where they can have it. If they don't want to invite themselves, their problem.I sure hope that im not perceived as a snob because I issue invitations this way. I do what I can handle. And so should other people. And I hope they don't judge me badly.

MitzadSheini

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 12:00 am

Andrea I am really really sorry if my comments caused you any distress . You have made me realise that in the past I may have judged people badly when receiving that sort of invitation . I guess it comes from the invitee also having a too low sense of self worth, which is not being dlkz to themselves which is also assur . Because it is really a form of arrogance in disguise I guess. Like saying "if they don't invite me the way I expect I just won't come ".

But greenfire I agree with you as well. I see both sides.

Anyway I'm sorry if I upset you . I would have thought as you are a caterer people would jump at an invite.

Sidenotes- as you are a caterer.... Is there anything I can do to fix slightly burnt quinoa?

Chana Miriam S

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 12:57 am

mtzadhasheini wrote:

You didn't upset me- you gave me food for thought!
Re the quinoa- how burnt tasting is it? Can you char /roast some vegetables and make it seem intentional? Sometimes burned is burned but I can't tell from here! If you think it's fixable, don't try to hide it just make it seem like it was your intention!

MitzadSheini

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 1:11 am

I thought the quinoa might have been ok with a sauce , but coming back to it it's too far gone. In any case my DS is now using it as a substitute for kinetic sand.

Ummmmm .... What was the thread about again......

Well.. You certainly gave ME food for thought as well

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 1:50 am

When I first became observant, I was still single, and trying to master the art of the blech. I had a lot of failures, and woke up to food that was green and furry!

I have literally shown up on people's doorsteps right before kiddush, asking if DD and I could come in and eat by them. They were usually people who had given me the "odd invite", because they were within the closest walking distance.

It felt super awkward to me, but what could we do, starve? I hope they didn't feel too annoyed by us. Confused

MitzadSheini

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 2:05 am

No greenfire... Nothing wrong with you at all. Like I said, I really see both sides now . But I totally totally didn't before Andrea posted. Ok? Now I'm sorry that I upset you.. .

*I've been on here WAY too much today..

amother

Mustard

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 4:42 am

The issue isn't necessarily low self-esteem from the person who isn't willing to make that call to invite herself.

It is more likely because our society can be insincere and there's about a 50/50 chance the would-be host was genuine. No one wants to invite themselves when they could be unwanted and imposing.