"Do you have a place to eat?"

Raisin

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 6:08 am

I love it when people invite themselves to me. I've extended many open invitations to people, although I do try and be specific. eg can you come this shabbos or next? person: I'm not sure, I need to check my diary. me: ok, get back to me when you are able to come. I'll let you know if its a bad week for me.

greenfire

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 9:59 am

mtzadhasheini wrote:

No greenfire... Nothing wrong with you at all. Like I said, I really see both sides now . But I totally totally didn't before Andrea posted. Ok? Now I'm sorry that I upset you.. .

*I've been on here WAY too much today..

truth to be told it was not you ...

andrea levy wrote:

... then that is their problem ...

because even if you yourself have raisons d'être ... the term is off putting

even for someone you give that general invitation to ... it is sometimes nice to know one actually puts thought into wanting you there for a specific invite

greenfire

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 10:02 am

amother wrote:

The issue isn't necessarily low self-esteem from the person who isn't willing to make that call to invite herself.

It is more likely because our society can be insincere and there's about a 50/50 chance the would-be host was genuine. No one wants to invite themselves when they could be unwanted and imposing.

or to be a checked off mitzva on somebody's list

Ruchel

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 10:12 am

People have sayings... once someone asked my mother and I if we were starving. LOL. An older guy, maybe not the most sensitive, we were stranded on Pessach. I said "yes" and we all laughed and he fed us generously.

Saraleh Malki

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 10:17 am

As someone who was a single BT for a number of years before getting married, the "let us know if you need a meal" was ALWAYS appreciated. People are busy and didn't always have time each week to think about inviting. Sure, invitations for specific meals were also appreciated, but I spent 4+ years inviting myself to two meals every shabbos. While I felt awkward at the beginning, I realized that usually people were genuine. They were happy to have me and I was happy to have somewhere to go! I could always tell the ones that weren't genuine with the invite anyways...

Side note: When I did invite myself I appreciated when people said that it wasn't a good week if it wasn't (so long as they enthusiastically encouraged me to call again)- it made me confident that when they did say yes I wouldn't be intruding or a burden.

watergirl

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 1:28 pm

andrea levy wrote:

I've been thinking of this topic all day. Sure, there are a lot of people who don't take me up on my non invitations but I am only responsible for doing what I can handle in a given day. If someone doesn't follow up because of their own pride or other mental limitations ( not because they just want to eat st home, alone) then that is their problem. If they want company, I've told them where they can have it. If they don't want to invite themselves, their problem.I sure hope that im not perceived as a snob because I issue invitations this way. I do what I can handle. And so should other people. And I hope they don't judge me badly.

There are different types of guests. Those who you invite as a chessed, and those who you invite because you want to spend time with them. Some people don't invite unless its the former, and that's ok. But, if you are inviting chessed cases, just know that 50% of the chessed happens before the meal even takes place. Don't let them know that they are a chessed!

One category is the people who "NEED" and invitation or would otherwise be alone.
There are the single BTs who have no family to go to for shabbos, who call a different family up weekly and ask for an invitation, and they are the ones who would otherwise eat alone, I presume, if they did not have an open invitation that they feel comfortable with. But - Don't you think that every now and then, that single BT would feel so much better to get a phone call on a Tuesday evening (Wednesday, whatever) and get a proper invitation? It takes away the stressful feeling or even the feeling like "they are doing me a favor" by having me. Its one thing to feel like I am accepted there whenever. Its another to feel that I am wanted. Have you ever known the feeling of making a phone call, only to be told "sorry, that time isnt good for me?". Or when someone knocks on a door and for that split second, has a feeling of doubt and shame? Why cant you spare them that? If you know that whoever is going to call you on a Thursday evening, and you will host her and your heart will sing, why cant you handle calling her on a Wednesday and let her know that you were thinking of her, and you want her to join you? Let her feel wanted.

There are the single older people, divorced, widowed, never married... they have what they need and don't want to fish for an invite. I was a single mother and I know the feeling. Its not pride that gets in the way. Its the feeling that I am forever mooching. That may not be how the host feels, but when someone took the pressure and pain away by picking up the phone and calling ME, I can not even tell you how that made MY OWN HEART SING. I used to pass the local Chabad family walking home from shul - never got an advance invite, but sometimes she would call from across the street "Do you have a place to go?" Hello lady, obviously I have a place to go. Home. In the direction that I am walking. Do you think I am going to tell her that I have no where, follow her to her house, and know that I was not even a thought? Its not pride, but it hurt! People want to feel wanted.

Other types of guests are those who don't need an invitation, they are not a chessed case, but you invite them because you want to share your time with them. Maybe that's not your kind of guest, and that's ok! But, if you say to a family of 5, "please let me know when you need a meal" or "tell me when you'd like to come", please just know that you are likely offending them. What, does she think that I am in NEED of a meal?

I do have friends, mothers of 4 or 5 or even 6 who post weekly on facebook that they would love to be guests. Great for them! So tell her to come.

But if you notice that I am a new person in town, a new face at shul or at the park, invite me for a specific time.

Butterfly

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 1:59 pm

Raisin wrote:

If you choose to use this expression (the bolded) you may want to rephrase it by switching the wordings.

Omit the negative word (bad) and apply the positive word (good) instead.
As in; "I'll let you know if it's a good week for me."

It would make a world of a difference...

Ruchel

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 2:09 pm

Let's not hound well meaning people for words, or soon no one will dare do anything

Butterfly

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 2:57 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Let's not hound well meaning people for words, or soon no one will dare do anything

Ruchel, As I reread my post and I realized that it can be read differently than whatever I specifically had in mind to note.

I certainly didn't mean to hound. To the contrary; I sincerely admire the poster for her good intentions. She's simply being honest and should be commended for that.
I should have expressed my view in lighter fashion...
It's the exhaustion from all yom tov finally taking a toll on me...

My sincere apologies to the OP of that post. I meant no critic ch'v. You seem to be a very nice and honest person.
It was merely an observation about the 'wording' only, nothing more. And I may be wrong about that too...
What

amother

Silver

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 5:38 pm

watergirl wrote:

First of all, I can't believe you bashed me because I invite guests a certain way that works for me. Did you read the part about how I can have a funeral last minute? We are Jews. THOSE HAPPEN WITHOUT WARNING.

I never said I don't invite anyone who is new. We don't have singles who've never been married here. I take students all the time. God, I can't believe I have to defend myself for inviting people in a way that works for me. Who the heck are you to criticize me? And hello? You think the people who are invited for chessed reasons with the open invitations don't KNOW that it's chessed? You don't know the circumstances of the people I invite. How DARE you require me to invite people early in the week? How dare you assume that I am not in need of chessed?

AND FOR THE RECORD, I NEVER INVITE PEIPLE I DONT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH CHESSED OR NOT. My guests know that they are considered like family or they would not have an open invite.

Everyone else gets potluck invites. That's what we do in our community. I can't remember the last time we are out as guests with out bringing anything but a bottle of wine. And my chessed guests contribute. Sometimes gifts or food or even working in my kitchen to make a special dish.

I don't tell anyone to invite themselves openly unless I know they have awkward circumstances and unless I enjoy their company. Call me selfish. You pretty much have already anyways. I do what works for me and shall continue to do so. Regardless of what you think and want to project on me. If you felt like a mooch, you could have reciprocated in some way. Mooches don't get invited to my house. I can't afford mooches.

Chana Miriam S

Thu, Apr 28 2016, 5:46 pm

Furthermore, people feel free to invite themselves when they need an invite all the time. When they are coming home from vacation and not in time to cook, when a spouse is away, when they are leaving for a family thing Motzei Shabbat and would love not to have to clean up Shabbat. That's what my friends do, who haven't been issued invitations that are open. Why should t the chessed invites have that freedom too? And by the way, sometimes ppl don't know they need company til the last minute. Thank god they know where to go.