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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Shut up about your obsession!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 8:15 am
Oh. My. Gosh. I am losing my mind. At wits end

If you have a spectrum kid, you know what I'm talking about. My kiddo is HIGHLY verbal, and has only one topic to talk about. When it's Shabbos or Yom Tov, and she can't be on the computer, she follows me around the house, telling me all about her latest preseveration/fandom. Every single word of every single anime show she's ever watched, often repeating the same story lines over and over again.

I have no interest in it. I am sick to death of it. I have told her "I'd love to talk to you, but not about your fandom". She can't stay off of the topic for more than 3 minutes, and then she's right back to it. Not only does it drive me crazy, but it socially isolates her, because other kids her age have very varied interests, and she shows no curiosity about things outside of her obsession, and her classmates do not share her obsession.

Has anyone had any luck getting their kids to diversify their interests? She's been this way ever since I can remember. Her obsessions change every couple of years, but the intensity only seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I don't want to push her away, but there's only so much non stop chatter I can take. Banging head

Please don't tell me "Just be grateful that she's verbal." It's the opposite side of the same coin.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 8:25 am
Sending you genuine empathy. But I think it's impossible sometimes.

Following......


Last edited by amother on Sun, May 01 2016, 9:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 8:27 am
I don't know what kind of socializing therapy she got or is getting, but can you tell her that non-ASD people appreciate some diversity of discussion?

Last edited by PinkFridge on Sun, May 01 2016, 11:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 8:28 am
I feel for you. that's a difficult one. can you convince her to diversify within the same genre at least? obsess over graphic novels in general as opposed to one series? something like that?
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 9:35 am
I have a kid who's Also on the spectrum and what adds to the frustration is the many thousands of dollars we've spent diagnosing and getting "therapy" without any meaningful results. It seems that this is the way these kids are and we just have to do our best to be patient and love them and not waste endless hours and $$$ on diagnosing them when no good comes from it anyway.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 9:39 am
amother wrote:
I have a kid who's Also on the spectrum and what adds to the frustration is the many thousands of dollars we've spent diagnosing and getting "therapy" without any meaningful results. It seems that this is the way these kids are and we just have to do our best to be patient and love them and not waste endless hours and $$$ on diagnosing them when no good comes from it anyway.


That is so awful to hear. I hope you see some wonderful progress soon.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 10:06 am
The only way I have been able to successfully diversify my DS interests was to seriously limit his access to the stuff he loved. For him it was Minecraft and Stampycat. Talked all day everyday about them and brought it into every conversation. Every. Single. One. Finally I had to say 40 minutes of Minecraft and stampy. You may divide uonthat 40 minutes however you like but you may have that time to discuss /play/ immerse yourself in that and them that is it. So we set a timer. It was very very very hard the first few days, maybe a week. I would interrupt when he started talking about it and ask his time remaining, I would watch his computer time. I wouokd actively help him find other interests, encourage him to do other things. Finally out of sheer boredom he began to branch out. Began reading books that had nothing to do with either one. Now he is a really good self monitor.

I feel for you, I really do but that was the only thing that worked for us.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 10:07 am
I can so relate. My teen son followed me around for two days begging to play computer. That is his obsession. Several times I reminded him how during the week he complained of being bored on computer, and that likely he needed some down time and stimulating conversation. But he said, no, he didn't want to talk to me, he wanted to game with me. And when I wouldn't give in (of course!), he tried his best to start a fight with me, including attacking religion, life, and even Hashem. Several times he went to his room to watch a show on his phone.

At one point he sat at the dining table and turned on a show, telling me how he was able to do it by not desecrating shobbos too much because it only took two buttons. That's when I led him by his headphones to his bedroom and insisted, 'Not.in.my.living.room.' At any time that he was not distracting himself with his phone, he was in my face, following me around, demanding permission to play computer. "If I can't play, I might as well be dead." How's that for obsessed.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 11:22 am
amother wrote:
I have a kid who's Also on the spectrum and what adds to the frustration is the many thousands of dollars we've spent diagnosing and getting "therapy" without any meaningful results. It seems that this is the way these kids are and we just have to do our best to be patient and love them and not waste endless hours and $$$ on diagnosing them when no good comes from it anyway.


Hugs, and hope I didn't add to your pain in any way. I have a good friend whose son has Asperger's and therapy did amazing things for him, so I wondered if FF had anything in place and someone to work with.
And, to everyone there, FF especially, I hope I didn't interfere with a much needed and deserved vent. You should have a safe place, and if I venture on to this forum I will try to do so very carefully.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:11 pm
I appreciate everyone's comments, and welcome hearing everyone's point of view.

I've told her that she needs to take turns listening to her friend's interests, but she says "They're so BOOOOORING!"

She's way too high functioning to qualify for services right now. I may revisit this when she starts middle school next year, and ask the yirah to evaluate her. She had an IEP when we were in the US, but it only covered math tutoring. I keep getting told "But, she's so SMART, she should be able to do this!" *headdesk*

I have to confess, I do not have the koach to limit her computer time. It makes her so happy, and I trust her online friends that she chats with. I just don't want to hear the play by play descriptions of every single detail! I mean, it's great that she wants to share with me, because NT teens often shut their parents out of everything... I just want balance!

Then again, don't we all?
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:18 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
Hugs, and hope I didn't add to your pain in any way. I have a good friend whose son has Asperger's and therapy did amazing things for him, so I wondered if FF had anything in place and someone to work with.
And, to everyone there, FF especially, I hope I didn't interfere with a much needed and deserved vent. You should have a safe place, and if I venture on to this forum I will try to do so very carefully.



No worries, I always like hearing from others. To be honest I'm very skeptical when I hear about the so called "progress" that children are making socially, academically, and behaviorally. I find that often times the people who are In charge/ being paid to help the situation often report progress that in reality doesn't exist. For example the rebbe might say that my son is getting along well and interacting nicely with his classmates during recess. I find it hard to believe because I know he is immature and is simply not on his classmates level. My fears are confirmed on shabbosim when he goes outside and I see his peers on the block ignoring him.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:24 pm
Bisque, I know what you mean. DD is making progress, but she's doing it entirely on her own timetable. She's several years behind her peers in social and emotional skills, as well as math and science comprehension. On the other hand, her language and reading skills are almost college level, and her creative writing blows me away (all based on fan fiction, of course, but still.) She can't do long division, but she can write basic computer code. She's such a mixed bag, it's hard to get proper services for her.

It's nice to hear compliments about your child, but at the same time, you live with them, and you are more aware of their deficits than anyone else in the world.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:29 pm
I feel for you. In my house its politics and trump all day. I know he can shut his mouth because he spends half his day at a liberal college and never says Trump there.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:30 pm
amother wrote:
I feel for you. In my house its politics and trump all day. I know he can shut his mouth because he spends half his day at a liberal college and never says Trump there.


LOL, sounds like my husband! LOL
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amother
Violet


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:37 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I appreciate everyone's comments, and welcome hearing everyone's point of view.

I've told her that she needs to take turns listening to her friend's interests, but she says "They're so BOOOOORING!"

She's way too high functioning to qualify for services right now. I may revisit this when she starts middle school next year, and ask the yirah to evaluate her. She had an IEP when we were in the US, but it only covered math tutoring. I keep getting told "But, she's so SMART, she should be able to do this!" *headdesk*

I have to confess, I do not have the koach to limit her computer time. It makes her so happy, and I trust her online friends that she chats with. I just don't want to hear the play by play descriptions of every single detail! I mean, it's great that she wants to share with me, because NT teens often shut their parents out of everything... I just want balance!

Then again, don't we all?

Are there any gaming books out there that she can get busy with over Shabbos and yom tov? If she doesn't like to read maybe you can start to read it to her so that it pulls her in?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
Are there any gaming books out there that she can get busy with over Shabbos and yom tov? If she doesn't like to read maybe you can start to read it to her so that it pulls her in?


She's an avid reader, but the English section of our library here is very small. We need to buy her books online and have them shipped over, and that is very expensive. She has a Kindle, but that doesn't help on Shabbos and yom tov!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 3:15 pm
On the plus side, if you can find some manga in Hebrew, I bet her language skills will grow more quickly.

My DS's speech therapist videos the kids n his small group, so they can analyze the face and body language that say, "you're not thinking about me at all, and I'm getting bored."
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 3:54 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I appreciate everyone's comments, and welcome hearing everyone's point of view.

I've told her that she needs to take turns listening to her friend's interests, but she says "They're so BOOOOORING!"

She's way too high functioning to qualify for services right now. I may revisit this when she starts middle school next year, and ask the yirah to evaluate her. She had an IEP when we were in the US, but it only covered math tutoring. I keep getting told "But, she's so SMART, she should be able to do this!" *headdesk*

I have to confess, I do not have the koach to limit her computer time. It makes her so happy, and I trust her online friends that she chats with. I just don't want to hear the play by play descriptions of every single detail! I mean, it's great that she wants to share with me, because NT teens often shut their parents out of everything... I just want balance!

Then again, don't we all?


Services includes social skills training.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 4:42 pm
I too have seen that there are some ASD kids who barely respond to their therapies. Ds's aba therapists worked for four years straight on stopping him from going into his siblings rooms to get things that interest him, and he repeatedly reverted back when the rewards no longer interested him. They threw up their hands and said, "This is a tough one."

To pull a kid off an obsession is crazy hard. We limit ds's time too. But it wasn't a week before he started doing other things; it was months of "But I can't! " and "What will I DO?" We still often have to give him daily ideas of what else to do years later, and sometimes he chooses to lie down and do nothing. Often I hear the mutterings that signify that he is running scenes through his head- you can't control thoughts.

At family meals, we do require that he ask at least one question to someone else about something that interests them, and then ask a follow up question based on the answer, so he actually has to listen. Until he does this, he can't be excused. We also require that he call a relative once a week and have a minimum five minute convo and do the same, and then he can talk about his own stuff. We police him on not getting away with, "when you were a kid, what video games did you play?", which used to be progress for him but now is just more gaming talk.
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 01 2016, 5:17 pm
I have kids who will talk obsessively about whatever they may be obsessing over that day/week/month. When it gets to be too much for me, I often bring in threat of a consequence. I'll say " I've heard a lot about x, and I can't hear about it anymore for now. So if you talk anymore about x, y will happen." I find that some kids really do need to know that a consequence would come if they continue said behavior. I'm not trying to be mean. Just trying to survive sometimes.
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