Drives me crazy to this day!!! So mad!!!

amother

Pewter

Wed, May 04 2016, 8:23 am

5mom wrote:

If you are this upset about the flowers, I'm guessing that it's not really about the flowers.

Do you feel like your mother didn't/doesn't try to do the best for you? Do you think she's not honest? What's the real issue?

I imagine that getting to the bottom of this will help you move on.

Btw this was the turning point post of this thread. Well done for seeing beyond what was written in black and white. The world needs more people like you

youngishbear

Wed, May 04 2016, 9:27 am

OP, I'm usually one of the posters that hates when people deny other people's feelings. I've also spoken out against comparing different pains because everyone's experience is their own, and one person's splinter can hurt like the other person's heart attack.

But seriously - wilted flowers??

Wasn't it clear to you that it's not about the flowers?

Without a background history about your mother your original post reads like a spoiled child who needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her flowers. With the context of your mother's history it becomes clear that it was never about the flowers.

It amazes me how our minds can latch onto something small in order to avoid facing what really matters. Mine does it all the time.

I'm sure you have many scars from growing up with a manipulative narcissist. I hope you find the peace you deserve.

newmom770

Wed, May 04 2016, 10:20 am

Maybe you can think of a way to make this up to yourself? Like buying a beautiful vase or variety of vases and getting beautiful boquets for shabbos/rosh chodesh/yom tov/birthday/kids birthdays (the birthday of your child is a soecial day when you became their mother)- basically as often as you can afford or as often as you are comfortable spending. And when you buy these you tell yourself this is to make up for your wilted boquet.
Some other ideas: put a pretty boquet of fake ones in your bedroom, or book a special photography session where you get dressed up and either hold flowers in the photo or take the photos outdoors with flowers growing in the background. Include your husband in the picture if that will bring you joy and it can represent a happy time for you where you are loved and cherished and somehow incorporate flowers. If you have kids amd want them in the picture too... the point is maybe you can find a way to bring beauty and specialness into what you have now.

Chayalle

Wed, May 04 2016, 10:40 am

Honestly, if someone asked me if they could use my daughter's flowers the day before her wedding, I'd think they were bonkers. Who asks such a thing?

If there was a really valid reason for it - like if they were desperately poor - or if I couldn't afford it and they offered to split the cost with them paying the bigger part for using it first - then it would be something I'd be upfront with, not do behind my child's back. If the reason was they couldn't afford it, I would ask my daughter if this was a zchus she wants for her wedding - and totally accept if she chooses not to. If I couldn't afford it, I'd discuss with my child whether this was an area she is comfortable cutting corners, or if she'd rather choose some other areas.

OP I'm sorry this happened - whether in fact the flowers were second-hand or just wilted on their own, you may never know - but the disregard for your preferences your entire childhood is a heavy burden to carry.

May I suggest you do some work to move on from this? It's you who are hurt the most from the lack of trust in your relationship with your mother. This is very painful and may always be so, but it's possible to move forward from the anger and resentment - very heavy burdens to carry thru life.

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 1:14 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Yes exactly who asks such a thing!?? They're just cheapskates and known for it.
And the original plan (that was done behind my back) did not include them paying any part. My parents were going to pay in full so it wasn't a price split

amother

Papaya

Wed, May 04 2016, 1:50 pm

I totally get OP because I was really upset about my flowers from my wedding for something so much smaller. I finally got over it - 10 years later. I also wasn't sure if the mistake in my flowers was an outright result of my MIL or just happened. Looking back, I think I was ridiculous for being so upset about them for so long, but if you would have told me this a few years back, I would have gotten upset at you - that you just don't get it.

I think it is okay to be upset that you didn't have the fresh flowers that you expected/wanted at your wedding and separately to be upset at your mother for all the things you are upset at her for. But since you don't know for certain that she did give them away, I would separate the two. I think once you separate the two, you will be able to get over the flowers and then be able to focus on the real issues at hand regarding how you feel about your mother.

thunderstorm

Wed, May 04 2016, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

A kallas request was ignored and the mom served herself for whatever reasons. Why does it make it OK to be upset about it just because I've suffered in other ways too?
Because my other suffering has been given a hechsher by all of you ladies.
So essentially, you all decided what I'm allowed to be upset about and what I'm not.
I think a kalla with a pampered childhood would also be allowed to be upset about her flowers.

I also grew up in a traumatic life etc. and had a fare share of my struggles. I'm reading your reaction to everyone's reactions and I'm realizing one thing. The reason why this flower issue bothers you so much is because of your history. If living in normal circumstances and a kallah experienced the same thing...she would have gotten over it by then. By you it's just festering and the more issues you experience now with your family the more it brings back those horrific memories of feeling not taken care of on your wedding day.
OP , you are in pain and I feel your pain...my mother didnt shop with me for my wedding cuz she couldnt fargin me to get married...it was an extremely painful time for me. I got over it by now. I have a loving DH and that's what counts. You may get upset, but I would recommend therapy to get you through the pain and to help you cope with those horrible feelings. Good Luck and many hugs!

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 04 2016, 2:28 pm

Off topic, but not worth a spinoff:

I went to school for floral design. I can tell you that even with the most expensive florists, if they know that the flowers are going to be a "one day only" event, they will use the flowers that are closest to dying. This is true with funeral and wedding flowers, especially.

Flowers that are supposed to go in a vase will be the freshest, because they are expected to last at least a week. Event flowers use the scraps and leftovers.

White flowers are notoriously difficult to handle. They will bruise and turn brown if you even look at them sideways. Orchids, stephanotis, lilies, and certain varieties of roses are all tricky, and rarely last a day of arranging, shipping, etc.

Carnations, statice, mums, and daisies are indestructible. That's why they get used the most often.

amother

Green

Wed, May 04 2016, 2:30 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Mine were white orchids....hmmm

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, May 04 2016, 3:12 pm

My personal disappointment about my wedding was that we didn't have benchers.

Sounds silly? If I would post this I would probably get many comments about my ingratitude and sense of entitlement etc.

But here's the backstory:

I was getting married to Mr. A but the invitations were printed with his stepfather's name B. Our last name did not appear anywhere on the invitation. We even received checks as wedding gifts made out to Mr. And Mrs. B.

And it's not like the problem was money. His stepfather poured a lot of money into the event but drew the line at benchers, for whatever reason.

I still find it frustrating when I think about it. It was like his messy family situation had to hang over our wedding for all to see.

But BH I had bigger problems since then and it kind of faded away.

watergirl

Wed, May 04 2016, 3:52 pm

If you really want to know, I'm sure a bit of snooping will yoeld a weddig picture of the couple - you can look at the flowers and know for sure.

But - lets say they are your flowers. Then what?

Lets say they arent your flowers? Then what as well? Will you feel better? Doesnt sound like it to me.

naturalmom5

Wed, May 04 2016, 4:12 pm

amother wrote:

When I was engaged a couple of years back, someone called my mom up and said that her daughter is getting married a day before me so can she use my flowers. My mom said yes
I found out and went crazy!! I wanted fresh flowers that were special for me on my wedding day!! The only wedding day of my life- my most special day!! Sad

So I made my mom tell them they can't have them. Which she said she did but I dont know for sure because I didn't hear the conversation.
Anyway, on my wedding day my bouquet wilted and got brown halfway through the day an it was from the most expensive florist who has a reputation for the freshest flowers.
So I think my mom must have lied to me and let another girl use my bouquet before me
It makes my blood boil. It makes me so upset that a) someone used my kalla bouquet and b) my mom lied like that and double crossed me
I'm really really really MAD!!!!!!!!!

I am giving all the hugs you need for having the guts to admit this to us after all this time
It should be the worst thing that ever happens to you

amother

Bisque

Wed, May 04 2016, 8:55 pm

When I was a kallah, my father was out of work. He was in a fairly well-paying profession, so, had my parents had any normal financial management skills, this would not have been a major issue.

I found a gown I loved in NY where I was studying. I seem to recall it was $125. My parents told me not to buy it. They found something cheaper on sale in my home town which fit my sister (who was 3 years younger and still in high school) who is taller than me. So this way they could shorten it for me & then let it down again for her. But I hated it.

I remember this every so often, like when something reminds me (such as this thread). My consolation is that if I ever lose some weight I can get the gown of my dreams for a child's wedding (or more like a grandchild's).

I wonder if I would have gotten over it already had my parents been less dysfunctional. But although I bought some of those books on narcissistic parents, I've been told I'm better off not reading them

But hugs to you, OP. I think I get it.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, May 04 2016, 8:59 pm

I certainly understand you OP and I feel for you. My parents made me miserable before the wedding. And many things were a fight. They were treating me with the feeling that this was the last bit of control they would have on me. I hate to remember that time just because of them. I hate looking at pictures and videos because they're in it. I've delayed making my wedding album because I don't want to put them in.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Hellothere

Thu, May 05 2016, 12:01 am

My heart goes out to the OP. My parents didn't pamper me when I got married, nobody pampered me. I had to BEG people to give me second hand wigs at a price I could afford. And while this one woman thought she was doing a major chessed by selling me these wigs, she totally took advantage of me. That's the only thing I got as a kallah. I didn't get tons of jewelry, silver, or clothes, housewares or anything else for that matter. I couldn't even afford matching linens for our 2 beds. I was lucky that there was a tzedakah event the night before my wedding and a friend of mine was able to get them for my wedding. I bought my own bouquet. I've been thru a lot as a child due to my parents cold hearted natures. I do feel like I've been thru enough at 15 also than most of the woman around here will have experienced at 50, exactly how you feel. My advice to you, is know your parent(s) are manipulative, cold hearted and anything else you feel about him/her and you can be your own successful self without them abusing you.

amother

Tan

Thu, May 05 2016, 9:47 am

amother wrote:

My mother is a liar. She ie also a cold blooded manipulator. She didn't get the best flowers for me- she got them for her
To those that say that I probably usually struggle over insignificant things that's not true. I went through an extremely abusive childhood- most of which would raise the hairs on your head.
My mom agreed to or the other family have the flowers because she didn't care about my wedding day. She pushed me around in so many ways.
I had to get secondhand Sheitels and many more awful things but for some reason its my flowers that just get me mad because I was decieved instead of being pampered like all my friends were.
I definitely wasn't pampered but she grudged a kalla her bouquet.

I'm so sorry op.
I saw your op and the responses yesterday and I wrote a whole long a free post. But then my kid needed me and when I got back it was lost.
I had a feeling this is why happened. I'm so sorry. I know what a hell this is because I've lived Thru it too.

And it's not about the flowers specifically. It's more about all the little and not so little and huge things it symbolizes in your life. Flowers are supposed to make you feel pretty and pampered. And it did just the opposite.

I might be wrong and if this post isn't correct them feel free to disregard.

Ps. I had day old super ugly colorful weird flowers because flowers is just a waste of money. Yeah right..... I hated my Sheitel and the makeup artist made me look like a clown. My brand new husband commented about it. I looked like I had a 3" layer of cake on my face. I did like my gown (not that I chose it) I never went to get my wedding photos.

amother

Bisque

Thu, May 05 2016, 7:43 pm

Coincidentally (? There's no such thing) I was doing a little catching up on shiurim I had wanted to listen to before Yom Tov & heard [url= https://www.torahanytime.com/v.....]this shiur[/url] by Rabbanit Kinneret Sarah Cohen on Pesach- The Wedding Night. She talks about all the hard work we put into Pesach as being like the hard work a mother puts into everything her daughter needs for her wedding.

(If you want to listen you may have to create an account.)

And I was thinking that some of us wouldn't relate to that so much.

Oh well. I have to keep reminding myself -
Some people had difficult mothers. Some had dysfunctional mothers. Some had emotionally available in theory, but physically ill mothers who couldn't give them what they needed. Some lost their mothers at a young age.

But the only way I can keep going is to remember that Hashem gives each person what is best for them, what is going to give them the greatest opportunity for growth.