DD is emotionally draining repeatedly same bad behavior

amother

Cerulean

Tue, May 03 2016, 8:12 pm

My 5 year dd is so difficult. She makes life so hard and I am drained and frustrated.
I had 3 kids all a year apart and shes the 3rd so her place in the family may contribute to her behavior but I don't know for sure.
She doesn't listen to me - I usually have to repeat myself to her around 2-3 times. And I always say why do I have to repeat myself you should be listening to me the first time.
She is a terrible eater, always taking junk food and not eating meals before I can stop her.
She loves to sit and play in the bath. My sitter gave her 20 minutes tonight and then when my sitter was starting my oldest she went back in the bath. I got so upset at her - bath time was over for her why did she do that? The other kids are so much better behaved. My second child isn't perfect but he doesn't cause me the agita this one does.
I am constantly raising my voice to her. She's an instigator with the big ones. Gets them upset etc.
For the first time ever over Pesach I potched her. I just was so angry because she was bothering my oldest fighting her for a toy my oldest had then I heard my oldest started crying bc she hurt her so I ran and spanked her for hurting the big kid. I then said you have to behave it's enough and she promised she would behave from now on and guess what not even 12 hours later the next morning she was back to being bad.
After the bath incident tonight I yelled and told her how I was upset and she cried a while then came and apologized. She knows she was bad. But it's repeat repeat repeat and I am getting wiped out from her.
What do I do or is this a wait 2 years till she's 7 and this will pass?

Tue, May 03 2016, 9:12 pm

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. As I am sure you know, yelling and spanking don't really help.

At that age, we used a lot of behavior modification charts (awarding stickers or stars for desired behaviors) that really helped dd focus on specific behaviors rather than "good" vs "naughty" and took all the drama out of our interactions. It's extra work up front, but it paid off.

It also helps to pay lots of positive attention to the misbehaving child - counterintuitive, I know - and make sure you don't miss a chance to recognize and reinforce desired behavior while gently correcting undesired behavior.

I hope this helps!

amother

Wine

Tue, May 03 2016, 9:17 pm

It has got to be hard to be 5 and to be continually told you are bad. How about learning a different language when speaking to her? Identify the actions or behaviors that are unacceptable. Compliment her on her positive behaviors. It's apparent that you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And your frustration is spilling over to ineffective physical punishment. Definitely buy the book recommended by the OP.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, May 03 2016, 9:23 pm

Thanks. I think I have that book will look...
Here is an example:
On Pesach we went to an indoor pool. She doesn't swim so sat on steps and played. When it was time to leave she refused to get out. And ironically she doesn't swim but the big kids who do got out. I said I will count to 30 then come out. She said ok.
I counted and then she still refused to get out. That really annoyed me.

Also every single day she says she doesn't want to go to school. I fight her everyday to go. She has an amazing morah and likes her friends. She just rather stay home and play with her toys all day. She was happy when she was sick with the flu she said that she liked it bc she was allowed to stay home and miss school!!!! So every morning she tells me she's sick and refuses to get dressed.