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Bringing my 6 year old to pay a shiva call?



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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 1:49 pm
Would you take a child with you to pay a shiva call or is it better to have someone watch my daughter while my husband and I go? Is it inappropriate if we did take her with us? My husband's grandmother is sitting shiva and we might go pay a shiva call.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 1:52 pm
It is not appropriate to bring a child to a shiva call.

But I see it is the child's great grandmother, that is different. Some would want it. Can you ask your mother in law or father in law what they think their mother's preference would be?
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 1:52 pm
amother wrote:
Would you take a child with you to pay a shiva call or is it better to have someone watch my daughter while my husband and I go? Is it inappropriate if we did take her with us? My husband's grandmother is sitting shiva and we might go pay a shiva call.

I was going to write that you should definitely leave a child home. But since the child's great grandmother is sitting shiva I don't think her presence is necessarily inappropriate.
The thing that's holding me back is whether I would want to expose a six year old to a shiva house.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 1:55 pm
I see we posted the same thing at the same time, ra_mom!

I was going to mention your last point, too. I think it depends on the environment in the shiva house, if there may be crying and much emotion, or just talking etc.
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PBJ




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 2:02 pm
My gut react would be that it's not a good idea
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 2:03 pm
While typically children are not brought on a shiva call, it's different when it's family. Also, since it's family, you could come by with your daughter during "off hours" when there aren't so many people around. Sometimes grandparents like to have a visit from a grandchild during shiva, as it gives them a lot of comfort, and a visit when there aren't loads of people around would be nice for her.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 2:04 pm
to family yes - to a child's friend yes - nowhere else would it be age appropriate
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 2:05 pm
I have found that children are not nearly as upset by adult sadness as one might expect.

I would be more concerned about the child's behavior. Some kids are able to sit quietly for a few minutes; others are not.

Close friends and family may really want the child to visit, while others may find it to be an imposition.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 04 2016, 2:10 pm
It depends so much on all the people involved. My DD has a strong need for closure, and was really upset with me when she wasn't invited to the funeral of a friend of mine that she had known. (DD was only 5 at the time, but already she had a sense of these things.)

The next year I took her to the funeral of a man that had been very kind to her in shul. She behaved beautifully, and everyone was really glad she came. She even insisted in getting in line to add a shovel full of dirt to the grave, and then went and hugged the man's wife, saying how sorry she was. Later on we paid a shiva call, and the woman said how much it meant to have DD there. DD told her funny stories about her husband, and it was a really positive experience for everyone.

Not all kids have that kind of feeling about things, though. (not that it's good or bad, just different ways of processing) If you think your child would be upset, or rambunctious, or whatever, then you know your child best, and you should do what your gut tells you.

As for the mourner, definitely check in with the family and see if your child would be welcome, or when would be an appropriate time to bring her.
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tovasara




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 8:41 am
I think it depends on a number of factors. First, you mention this is a great-grandmother sitting shiva. If she is sitting shiva for an elderly sibling, while the shiva house will be sad, it won't have the atmosphere that exists in a shiva home where the circumstances are tragic.
I think it also depends on what the child understands. If the child understands that this isn't a play visit, just a hello visit where he/she can hug the great grandmother and then sit quietly for a few minutes, then I think it is ok, particularly if you go at a quiet time. Also, I would gauge what the child understands and whether anything about the shiva house may make them nervous or afraid.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 8:48 am
When I was growing up, my grandmother sat shiva numerous times. I always went to the shiva house. They were never paticularly sad shivas, as rhe niftar/nifteres was always quite old. I dont remember them as sad experiences, but rather as fun ones. I remember getting a lot of attention from all the adults. I think it depends on each individual case.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 9:01 am
For family, it is definitely appropriate unless you're worried about behavior. My mom recently sat shiva and my young children came over to visit (though I made sure it was during a less busy time). I had been to a few shivas before the age seven, all for family. For a child this age, I would not bring them to a shiva for one of your friends or acquaintances. Only for family or if chv one of their classmates is sitting.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 9:23 am
For family it is okay, as long as you don't know they would rather not.
I brought my kids when my parents or in-laws were sitting and it was a nechama.

I have also brought, and see brought during the daytime to a younger person who is sitting shiva, especially if she has a baby with her.
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shoshanim999




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 9:32 am
I don't see 2 sides here at all. The child is way too young to understand anything. There's Always the chance the child will misbehave or be kvetchy. What's the upside here aside for the $10 saved in babysitter money? I don't get it.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 10:15 am
For family absolutely. It gives them a lot of comfort. As long as your child isn't rowdy and the elderly relative doesn't dislike children it's OK.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 12:01 pm
Talk to the aveilim to arrange the most appropriate time. It can be a very valuable experience for her. Contrary to the poster above, a child of that age can understand and may come up with some difficult questions for you.
That said, keep the visit short. If your DH wanes to stay longer, take her to park for 20 minutes.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 05 2016, 12:42 pm
When I was sitting shiva after my father's passing last summer, individuals brought children. One lady told me that she brought her son when I was sitting shiva because she would have brought him to a simcha that I would be apart of. Another neighbor came over her with toddler because it was the middle of the day and the little girl happened to be home. She was quiet and respectful. Most of the children who came were kids that knew me personally, like neighbors or very close family friends, and it was appropriate for them to be there. It is certainly appropriate for your child to go to her great grandmother.
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