How to help my difficult child?

amother

Hotpink

Sun, May 08 2016, 11:02 am

I have a 6 year old DS that is difficult at times. Other times he can be an amazingly good boy. I don't know that medication is necessarily what will help him and I want to try other remedies first but don't have enough information to know where to turn. I will give you some examples and if anyone has any ideas please tell me.
I tell him to get dressed. He'll run around in his pajamas, playing. Or he'll take off his pajamas, get partially dressed then get busy with something else. I tell him hurry because you'll miss the bus and if it's as if he doesn't care.
I can give more examples but as I am thinking about it I think most of the issues are really that he does things slowly, gets distracted easily, doesn't have a concept of punishment or reward ( get into pjs, you can have computer time, don't get into pjs you can't. He'll take his time getting into pjs playing games then ask for computer time and get upset when I say no.) And he bothers his siblings for no reason. He also doesn't respect others belongings (he'll write on his sisters papers)
But then he'll suddenly be super calm and relaxed and sit on the couch reading a book or looking out the window for awhile. Or anything I ask him or tell him to do he'll do right away without stalling. There seems to be no pattern to what he does when.

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 08 2016, 1:51 pm

He sounds totally within the realm of "normal". Give him one task at a time, and follow through.

"Shmuli, put your pants on." "Shmuli, put your socks on." " Shmuli, put your shoes on." etc.

"Get dressed" can be a really overwhelming command for a 6yo. There's so much planning involved in that, and if you're excited about something that is going to happen in school today, or you spot a shiny toy nearby, that is enough to derail the whole "getting dressed" plan.

Have you ever left out an ingredient in a recipe, or burned dinner? I'll bet you have, and I'll bet it was because you had a lot of little kids running around your ankles, then the phone rang, and then DH wanted to ask you something about an appointment next week, etc.

Your son just needs some help learning to focus. This is why doctors rarely diagnose ADHD so early, because a lot of this is just a matter of learning to manage complex executive functioning in the presence of distractions.

mummiedearest

Sun, May 08 2016, 1:57 pm

give him simpler tasks, as specified above, and get him a timer. a plain old egg timer will work. have all his clothing picked out and in a pile. "I'm setting the timer for five minutes/ten minutes. you need to be dressed before the timer dings." a lot of kids don't have a concept of the passage of time, which doesn't help matters. timers do help.

seeker

Sun, May 08 2016, 3:16 pm

I can totally understand the OP's feeling that this isn't within normal range. Trust your mom gut. All 6-year-olds can lose focus while doing boring things like getting dressed but if you feel that it's a huge, persistent issue that isn't responding to normal incentives, you're not imagining things.

There, that's your validation. Solutions I still don't have. I have one like this too, we've tried visual schedule charts with tokens you velcro on and everything. She is definitely motivated, she'll tell me "Mommy I neeeeeed to be on time for school today because Morah said we're doing xyz first and I neeeeeeed to be on time" so I'll go through with her what needs to happen in order to be on time, with frequent reminders all morning, and IT DOESN'T HELP! It's frustrating.

The hardest part for me is trying not to project my frustration at her. I think I'm destroying her self-esteem with the way I snap at her in the mornings and it's something I continue to work on but this is a real issue.

Try getting a timer that ticks, like a mechanical egg timer type of thing, and break tasks down really small. Pajamas off before the timer goes. Underwear changed before the timer goes again. Etc. (on second thought, they SAY this is a good idea, but my kid will space out looking at the timer...)

amother

Hotpink

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:16 pm

Thank you seeker. I fell you're getting what I'm saying.
I gave one example of getting dressed/undressed but there's plenty more. He'll write on furniture or papers that aren't his. I'll ask him how many times were you told not to do that and he'll answer 1000. Then I'll punish him by taking away a toy and he'll totally be ok with it. If I punish with time out he's ok with it too. He makes kiddush himself Friday nights. This week he did something (don't remember what) and I punished him that he won't be able to make kiddush Friday night. I gave a warning first and it didn't matter to him. Then I said ok, no kiddush and he was ok with it. Friday night when we were by the table he said where's my becher and I said your punished don't you remember. He said oh yeah. So my husband said why were you punished and he answered. But that won't stop him from doing it again.
He knows he's not supposed to do things, does them anyway, and the punishment is like nothing to him. Sometimes he'll get punished that he can't go to shul or somewhere else then when others leave he'll throw a fit and be upset but even that won't stop him from doing it again.
I feel like the whole concept of right from wrong and punishment is lost on him.

amother

Bisque

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:27 pm

OP, you are going to have to rethink your parenting methods for this child. Specifically, your overuse of threats and punishments are simply not effective and sounds like it is harmful to your relationship. The use of punishments that are days away have to be stopped immediately as well. He simply does not have the sense of time that would make them a deterrent. I would suggest a highly positive approach with lots of positive feedback and selective use of rewards. Be very specific in your expectations of him, and give immediate feedback and compliments. Work on building him so he will aim to please. I would also suggest either a parenting g class or a therapist who can work with you on parenting skills for this child's needs.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:31 pm

amother wrote:

He gets lots of positive encouragement and rewards.
But I can't ignore bad behavior or look away when he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. What do I do then?

amother

Honeydew

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:44 pm

I have a brother like your son. He was very stubborn, beat everyone up ect....
I also remember how he sat and listened to tapes for hours.
He is 19 years old now and considered a top boy. He straightened out at about 13. He is very self disciplined and scheduled.
There was a lot of yelling and smacking going on because he did so much unacceptable things.
I think these kids need a strict schedule and don't be so hard on yourself, it's not your fault.

seeker

Sun, May 08 2016, 4:44 pm

I agree that punishment is not effective for these kids.
But that still doesn't answer what to do when they act so brainless sometimes!
Mine has this habit of sticking things where they don't belong. Then she comes crying that something is stuck or won't work because there is mysteriously something stuck in some part that is supposed to move. And I am thinking WHAT DID YOU *THINK* WOULD HAPPEN?! While knowing 100% it will happen again very soon, no matter what.

Lots of patience is probably the best we can do...

myym

Mon, May 09 2016, 12:56 pm

I have a son similar to this. Overall your son sounds typical. That being said, how does he behave in school, and perform academically?
He certainly doesn't need meds based on the scenarios you're posting. I also agree with the poster that said to use more positive and less punishments. In general consequences are the way to go if at all needed. So if he hits his sister, he would apologize. If he writes on furniture he needs to clean it. If it can't be cleaned and its ruined, you can use a few dollars from his birthday money to "repair' it..
In terms of his writing on his sisters papers and furniture, it sounds like he is looking for attention..Alot of the times children misbehave for attention.
Also if he does things slowly he might just have that personality..Set him up for success by giving him more time. My son does things slowlly too...I stand by him while he gets dressed in the morning to move him along. You wouldn't want to make him feel bad for doing things a little slower than the average. Some kids are just that way.

saw50st8

Mon, May 09 2016, 3:29 pm

I would tell your child "You are welcome to get dressed before the bus comes, or at school, but getting on the bus is not a choice." If he isn't dressed, walk him to the bus stop with a backpack of clothing. Do that once and he will never miss getting dressed again. (we did something similar with our son who was giving us trouble getting dressed in the morning - he got dressed in the car while we were buckling his siblings).

mha3484

Mon, May 09 2016, 4:26 pm

My 5 1/2 year old is more impulsive so we work a lot on these issues. I am having the most success setting a timer for getting dressed. I give him all the clothes in order from socks to shirt and he picks an amount of time and I set the timer on my phone. Getting dressed with zerizus gets a special treat at breakfast. This has worked the best of anything I have tried.

As much as I like Saw's idea, our school has a uniform and I would just have to come get him. I also find that he cant respond to natural consequences. His brain is not there yet.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 09 2016, 5:35 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

I've done something similar with DD when she was 6. She was refusing to get dressed, so I picked her up, put her on the front porch in her pajamas, and handed her clothes to her. Then I closed the door and stood inside while she wailed for a bit. Pretty soon she decided she couldn't change out there "because the neighbors could see her", so she wanted to come in and get dressed.

She never pulled that shtick again!

amother

Hotpink

Mon, May 09 2016, 6:11 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

That wouldn't wokr. He doesn't have a concept of natural consequences. It might stop him tomorrow if I remind him about it but it won't stop him next week. I can't and won't send him to school on pajamas once a week.

greenfire

Mon, May 09 2016, 9:40 pm

please do not punish him from doing a mitzva such as kiddush

also it is easier to help him focus & aid his getting dressed than to just wish he did it already ...

either do this before or after everybody else so that he can hear you with undivided attention

good luck

12rivkyk34

Mon, May 09 2016, 11:02 pm

First off I would like to say that a mother knows best- if you feel that his range of losing focus is more then typical- I would imagine it is more then typical. While his behaviors don't sound extreme, when they happen very often this can be very very frustrating.
I would suggest that you try therapy waaaay before any meds. You so aren't there yet. Maybe OT would help pull him together to focus better. Maybe speech therapy can help him with some time management skills. These are very concrete, workable issues that can be helped. There are real solutions out there. Maybe take a parenting course and stick strongly to that method specifically for this child. Although you may be a great parent to your other children, obviously this child needs something more. Sora Yaroslowitz is excellent, I've heard people happy with Dina Friedman. if you follow their method to the T, you may see some real changes.
Hatzlocha with your work- it's not easy!

amother

Hotpink

Mon, May 09 2016, 11:10 pm

12rivkyk34 wrote:

Thank you. I've heard of the parenting courses and am considering them but it's not just at home so I think I need to focus on helping him. He is doing well academically but his behavior in school is an issue. How would I look into therapies and therapists? Where would I start?

12rivkyk34

Mon, May 09 2016, 11:13 pm

Where are you located? Do you know of any therapy agencies in your area to have your son evaluated?
Can you ask the school if they recommend a certain agency that has worked well with their student body? Do you have private insurance? Are you eligible for therapy through insurance?
As an aside, when you are consistent with your parenting method, you get to know what makes your child tick. You know what works and can give clear pointers to the school so they can be on the same page as you.