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I really need help now (time sensitive)
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:16 am
My 7 year old sons bus will be here at 8:40. That's why it's time sensitive.

Anyway, he is refusing to go to school. I offered him two large toys, and told him that he can have his pick of either after school, as long as he goes nicely and comes off the bus without having a tantrum. (Something he does everyday)

He looked at both toys and said he wants neither. He then proclaimed that he's never going to school again. No matter what I promise him, or how I punish him.

If I tried to pull something like this as a kid, my parents would have just smacked me.

My instincts are to just smack this nasty, chutzpadik child of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising a monster.

I didn't smack him. Or even yell. I calmly left him in his room playing.

But, I have no idea what to do. Not a clue.

Now let's focus on the short term. How do I convince to get on the bus this morning. I have 25 minutes left.

Any ideas?

Please.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:23 am
כל הכבוד to you for not yelling! It's so hard sometimes. Is this the first time he's doing this? Maybe someone is bothering him in school or a teacher is mean to him.
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Nicole




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:23 am
Is it vital that he goes today? If you don't work and can afford to spend time with him, maybe let him stay home and have a special day. Go out to eat, do a fun activity. Explain that this is a special once in a while activity day. And maybe try to find out why he doesn't want to go to school. You may be surprised by what he says.
Alternatively if you don't want to inadvertently reward the behaviour of him telling you instead of asking you to stay home, tell him that he needs to go today but on (fill in the day) he can stay home and you will do special things.
Or offer to pick him up in middle of day for a special lunch out with mommy.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:26 am
I gave my children the choice of going to school. I am actually surprised that a 7 year old would not want to go to school. This doesn't sound chutzpadik, this sounds like a crisis. Why doesn't he want to go to school?

Also, when was the last time he got undivided loving attention from mom?

Something is clearly wrong here. He is not trying to manipulate you. He needs to talk.

If you cannot have him home today, because you are not going to be home, then try to bribe him with a day off on another day. In general, allowing an unhappy-at-school child legitimate days off is often helpful. If that is never an option, then forget the toys as bribes, find a bribe that speaks to him. Gifts is clearly not his Love Language. He might like quality time, like an afternoon out with you. Can you promise to take him out for pizza after school?
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:31 am
You're bribing your kid . I do that too sometimes and I realize that it . Never. Works. Even if it works for the very short term they end up unmotivated like your son today.
The way he sees it : you want him to go to school so you owe him something for that . Not good .
He's pretty big already. I'd tell him that he has to go to school now and that when he comes back you will make a special time to speak with him about school . Then I'd have a talk with him.
Why does he hate school so much ? Is he happy in school and just wants your attention in the morning? Can you promise him a 5 min one on one fun time in the morning ?( that's what works with my son who's a bit younger- he desperately needs some quirkily time with me in the morning ).
Explain to him that there's not going to be anymore negotiation in the mornings . And stick to it ! He's yelling in the morning ? Tell him calmly that you're here to spend some time before school or hug him tight and then ignore the screaming.
I hope that by seeing that you care and that you're not budging (do not offer toys or anything else ! He has to go to school !) - he will cut it out.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:34 am
This is so much easier to write about theoretically for someone else's child than to actually do.

1. Acknowledge that whether he get on the bus is not really in your hands. Your job is to stay calm and be a good parent

2. Empathize with him. I see you really don't want to go to school now. That must feel really frustrating..... Etc. Really let him know you 'get' him

3. Ask him what his concern is? What us he really worried about? The answer may surprise you

4. Explain your concerns. Calmly, matter of fact. No getting distressed. Remember whether he gets on the bus is up to Hashem not you.

5. Ask him to find a solution to the problem. If he is really stuck, you might offer a solution, see what he thinks of it. Thinking of a solution is always praiseworthy. Solutions are only good to USE, however, if they deal with everyone's concerns.

No guarantee he will get on the bus. But you will both learn s/thing

Good luck. Let us know what happened, later.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:42 am
What is going on in school that he hates it so much?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 8:55 am
Stars wrote:
What is going on in school that he hates it so much?


He hates a kid in his class.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:05 am
Thanks for all the advice. Unfortunately, he missed the bus already. Now I have to figure out how to dress him and drive him.

I will answer your questions and maybe you can offer more advice, because although all of your ideas are wonderful, none of them have worked for him.

1) this is an ongoing saga. He always refuses to go to school. It's just gotten worse lately

2) the reason he doesn't want to go to school is because he hates a kid in his class. The reason he hates the kid is because this child is the class leader, and my son wants to be the class leader.

3) last week he refused to go to school so he stayed home with me and we baked challah together and I gave him lots of attention. We then met with the principal who listened to my son express his concerns and told him that he is there for my son whenever he needs him and that he should come to him if anyone bothers him.

4) in general, I think j give g lots of love and individual attention.

5) to whoever said He is not trying to manipulate me, He is. I'm sure of it.
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Nicole




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:05 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
He hates a kid in his class.

Is the child bullying him? Are school staff aware of the situation?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:13 am
Nicole wrote:
Is the child bullying him? Are school staff aware of the situation?


As I mentioned above, it has been discussed with the principal and the rebbe. Numerous times. Sometimes this child fights with him, but there is no bullying. They are on equal footing.
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Lilibet




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:26 am
You need a regular, non-negotiable consequence. He ( age 7) is responsible for being ready for that bus on time, or...

The consequence needs to be something that is real to him, and (this is the key) it not only needs to be absolutely non-negotiable, you need to take a calm, matter-of-fact attitude towards it. Don't make it into a big deal. You need to be firm, calm, and intractable, without negotiating, long discussions, a disquisition on the theory of justice, discussion of who-likes-whom in his class, a debate on right and wrong, or engaging a 7-year-old's version of why what you just stipulated as a consequence is not fair, let alone a lecture about how great-grandpa trudged through the snows of the Russian winter for the privilege of learning Torah.

Just decide on a simple consequence, announce it, impose it - without making a fuss - and move on.

The key is to keep it matter of fact and not let it become a big deal. Mommy sets the rules. Period.

Talking, explaining, empathy, quality time are as essential to rearing children as food and water. Of course you do all of these things. Do them with him some other time. And keep them separate from the fact that he has to be ready for the bus on time.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:26 am
Try moving The Explosive Child technique which I described above more directly to the question at hand. Get him to talk about his concerns about the kid being in charge. But then you have to explain your concerns. And ask for solutions . And if a solution does not satisfy your concern, then it us not viable. Do this in the afternoon so you have a game plan for tomorrow.

I also think you nay need to work it so that the consequence of him missing the bus disturbs him more than it does you. Because at the moment it looks like it's the other way around.

Oh... And I get it that all this theoretical stuff often does not work practice. It's the same here unfortunately.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:38 am
mommy3b2c wrote:

5) to whoever said He is not trying to manipulate me, He is. I'm sure of it.


I have a sibling who everyone thought was being obnoxious and manipulative. It turns out he was being abused for 3 years before anyone caught it.

I am NOT saying that this is the case here. I am just saying that often times when kids act out there is a reason. It may be a cry for help.

Maybe the other kid is being mean to him, bullying him, teasing him, etc.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:50 am
I let my kids stay home when not sick, but I take away all fun things. No computer, no TV. Just books allowed. I do not do fun things with them. Staying home should be SUPER BORING.

Usually after a day or tops two, they are dying to go back.

If your 7 year old still wants to stay home even if it super boring, there is something more serious going on at school that you need to look into.


Last edited by marina on Tue, May 10 2016, 10:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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kollel wife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:56 am
Marina's advise is great.

Despite the fact that there's a kid he doesn't like that may not be the issue here. Many, many kids don't want to go to school. More fun to be home. Don't want to wake up, get dressed. Would rather take it easy. Then you need to be firm and dress him and warn him that you will have to carry him on the bus, etc. Often the child will be embarrassed to cry/fight etc and will reluctantly go on the bus.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 9:59 am
Lilibet wrote:
You need a regular, non-negotiable consequence. He ( age 7) is responsible for being ready for that bus on time, or...

The consequence needs to be something that is real to him, and (this is the key) it not only needs to be absolutely non-negotiable, you need to take a calm, matter-of-fact attitude towards it. Don't make it into a big deal. You need to be firm, calm, and intractable, without negotiating, long discussions, a disquisition on the theory of justice, discussion of who-likes-whom in his class, a debate on right and wrong, or engaging a 7-year-old's version of why what you just stipulated as a consequence is not fair, let alone a lecture about how great-grandpa trudged through the snows of the Russian winter for the privilege of learning Torah.

Just decide on a simple consequence, announce it, impose it - without making a fuss - and move on.

The key is to keep it matter of fact and not let it become a big deal. Mommy sets the rules. Period.

Talking, explaining, empathy, quality time are as essential to rearing children as food and water. Of course you do all of these things. Do them with him some other time. And keep them separate from the fact that he has to be ready for the bus on time.


I really like this advice, and I feel like this is my only choice at this point. I just feel like I need to talk to the school and get them in board, because this method will likely result in him missing school for at least a week. Also, what if he decides he likes staying home? What then?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 10:08 am
marina wrote:
I let my kids stay home when they are sick, but I take away all fun things. No computer, no TV. Just books allowed. I do not do fun things with them. Staying home should be SUPER BORING.

Usually after a day or tops two, they are dying to go back.

If your 7 year old still wants to stay home even if it super boring, there is something more serious going on at school that you need to look into.


I do this when my kids are playing hookie they are not really sick....after an hour they are jumping out of their skin and desperate for school. When my kids were that age and were home because they had to be , they cried and kvetched that they want to go to school. When a child refuses to go to school because someone else is bothering them we need to try to alleviate that situation for the child...I understand the principal is involved, but perhaps they need to be more on top of it.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 10:12 am
Bizzydizzymommy wrote:
I do this when my kids are playing hookie they are not really sick....after an hour they are jumping out of their skin and desperate for school. When my kids were that age and were home because they had to be , they cried and kvetched that they want to go to school. When a child refuses to go to school because someone else is bothering them we need to try to alleviate that situation for the child...I understand the principal is involved, but perhaps they need to be more on top of it.


They are very on top of it. I am standing by the principals office right now to talk to him again. What are they supposed to do? Kick the kid out of school?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 10 2016, 10:14 am
marina wrote:
I let my kids stay home when they are sick, but I take away all fun things. No computer, no TV. Just books allowed. I do not do fun things with them. Staying home should be SUPER BORING.

Usually after a day or tops two, they are dying to go back.

If your 7 year old still wants to stay home even if it super boring, there is something more serious going on at school that you need to look into.


I did this on Thursday, when he played hookie. He screamed and cried that he's bored, and made my life miserable.
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