I really need help now (time sensitive)

FranticFrummie

Tue, May 10 2016, 2:51 pm

Hooooo, boy! BTDT, almost every single year it's something else that's bugging her.

I called the school and told them that I was exercising my right to shadow my kid for a day. I got on the bus with her, and then all day I sat quietly in the very back of the class, and didn't interact at all. I didn't even make much eye contact with her, and refused to let her come talk to me. I just observed everything. Kids can "act nice" for a short period of time, but they can't hold it together all day long. Sooner or later, you start to see which one is explosive, which one is the bully, and which one is the manipulative queen bee.

Even if you can't fix personality clashes, you can then tell your child that you saw the behavior, and that you believe them. This makes your sympathy much more acceptable to your child. It makes it easier for you to brainstorm together, and ask questions like "what would make things better for you?"

Can you get DH to go to work late for a few days, and help you get your son on the bus? He may not act out for DH, and later on you can tell him "If I have to get tatty to come get you ready, he's not going to be happy. Now get moving!"

Of course, all this is AFTER you've ruled out all the bad stuff that could be happening, and you are sure that your child is not being bullied or abused. I agree 100% with the amother above who said that your DS needs a full psych eval, and to be screened for learning issues, glasses, hearing, or anything else that could be making him struggle with school.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:06 pm

Thank you everyone for your input and advice.

I understand why everyone is offering explanations that he is being bullied or molested, etc...

You care about my child and you want to make sure he is not hurting. Thank you.

However, none of these things are the case. I have looked into all of these possibilities. The reality is just like I said. He is a bossy type of kid who likes to always be on top. There is another kid in his class who is even bossier, and it drives him crazy. Does the other kid have issues? Maybe some. But he is not my kid, and I can't get him kicked out of school. I need to teach MY child how to deal with his reality, which is that he will not always be the best at everything. No matter how badly he wants to be.

My son is definitely a perfectionist and he is definitely going through a rough time since my baby was born, however, it is nothing more then that.

Just in case, I spoke to the principal this morning. He implemented a chart system with my son for the week, and he is going to try to get some numbers of child therapists for me to call.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:08 pm

watergirl wrote:

To answer your previous question - Yes, 24 kids, especially boys, is a very big class. Unfortunately, its the norm in many of our schools - but its a lot, and a boy who has needs for leadership/attention/praise will struggle.

I dont think the issue is this boy. I think the issue is that your son has a deficit and he needs to learn a healthy way to fill it. The question is, will the school cooperate with you?

I "know" you from your many (awesome) posts. You have the financial means to fulfill many material needs, BH. Your son is in many sports, and a longish day in school. How much at home time is he getting? Real time, not superficial? I believe your husband is often hot home due to long hours? Maybe a date night with your son with just you/just dh, to allow him to simply have your 100% attention will help? Just let him sit and talk, no other kids, no other distractions, not an expensive outing - see what you will learn. Do it once a week for many weeks and find out what you may glean from him. All week, look forward to your hour. Remind him about it. Dont make it contingent on his behavior or willingness to cooperate in the morning for school. Maybe that will be a good jumping off point.

Your idea about giving him private dates is great. He is definitely acting out because he hates all the attention I give to his baby brother.

amother

Taupe

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:13 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

What exactly does that mean? I asked my son a few times if anyone had every touched him inappropriately and talked about safety with him and he didn't say a thing. His teacher had been teaching in his well known, wonderful school for 25 years. No one else had every spoken out against him [and if they had, somehow the teacher was still teaching so...] My son was terrified to speak until he was actually raped and could hardly walk. Only after that happened did my son speak about his teacher and also an 8th grader that had regularly molested him. Ruling it out out so quickly might be dangerous. What "looking into" did you do?

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:20 pm

amother wrote:

What is so quickly? I did not say how long I have been looking into it. Second, how do you recommend I look into it?

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:28 pm

amother wrote:

IF you believe you are being manipulated, and that no real problem exists, you need to stop being manipulated.

This is not only your kid, I've heard of this a few times.

Either bribe him or smack him, but make him go to school. Love him enough not to give him the power to hurt himself over nonsense.

This is very harsh. Is this how you treat your kids?

I personally despise when people use terms such as "behavioral", "attention seeking", "manipulative", "non-compliance" etc. when it comes to describing the behavior of children (or adults). It's dismissive and invalidating and unfair to anyone who is suffering but can't verbalize what they are experiencing. It's like wanting our kids to be perfect robots and do whatever we want them to do without question and if they don't do it then they are manipulative monsters who have to be punished. We don't even check if there are underlying issues that the child cannot verbalize, we just react harshly and swiftly and that could cause permanent damage that could have been prevented if we didn't have such negative feelings about our own kids. Think of the way your parents treated you when you had a problem--did they hit you and told you to "get over it" or did they work with you to figure out what the problem was and then find a solution for it so that it should not effect you anymore? If they hit you every time you had a problem and just told you to "get over it" then is that really how you want to raise your kids?

Now op has a 7 year old kid who doesn't want to go to school even if op is bribing him or punishing him. Something is wrong, very wrong and that needs to be investigated to find the root of the problem that is causing a 7 year old to not want to go to school. Instead, I am hearing the mother call him manipulative and even monster-like and wanting to smack him to force compliance. Why? What is going on that the mother thinks that this little 7 year old boy is like a monster who is manipulating her to stay home from school? Does the child have the appropriate language to describe what is bothering him? Are there younger siblings that get to stay home with mom while this 7 year old has to go to school? Is the child giving mom the same problem when it comes to going to other places such as sports class, shul, grandma's house or is it only school that is the issue? Is the child being bullied? Molested? Does the child have any unknown learning disorders that need to be taken care of? Does he suffer from anxiety? Is the rebbe hitting him and/or other children? etc. etc.

Even if all this is ruled out, we still need to be mindful that we are dealing with a 7 year old and deal with it appropriately. Take him to therapy, try to switch his class or school, and/or find other techniques that will help him deal with this issue in a healthy way that won't effect him negatively for the rest of his life. And if mom can't handle him because he is a "manipulative monster" then perhaps he needs to be in an environment that will be more nurturing and supportive towards him than where he is now.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:35 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not sure if this was all meant to be directed at me, but I found it rather hurtful.

You do realize that I don't actually think my son is a monster. I love him more then life itself. I wrote that I wanted to smack him into compliance, not that I actually did it.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 4:47 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Yes, you didn't smack him. Today. But you have the underlying feelings of anger towards him, you are frustrated with him, and you think that he may be a monster and that is concerning. He probably feels this as well even if he can't articulate it or understand it. You mentioned that you had a baby, did this all start when you had the baby or was his behavior the same before then as well? Are there any other issues that you are dealing with that may be causing further tension in the household I.e ppd, people visiting and bringing presents for the baby that the 7 year old may be jealous of, etc? Those are the things that you need to look at and work on if that is the underlying issue that is causing your son to not want to go to school.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

I do not think my son is a monster. Enough. It's an expression. My son has always been difficult. Things have escalated in the last few months. The baby is eight months old already. We bh have a happy, stable home. I have no doubt that the baby stresses him out. I just don't think he is being bullied it molested. As I already mentioned, I am taking him for an evaluation just in case.

Sudy

Tue, May 10 2016, 5:26 pm

amother wrote:

You are reading way too much into 1 post.

It's very normal for children to refuse going to school.

To suggest that the child needs to be in a more supportive environment is hurtful and mean.

PS to OP. I once posted a difficult yet normal behavior issue with one of my kids and got earful about my parenting, not to my mention my child was diagnosed with every disorder in the book.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 5:33 pm

Sudy wrote:

Thanks for your support. I did post to that anon poster that I found her post hurtful. If I may brag, my children are being raised in a warm and loving environment. They bh receive tons of love in both emotional and material ways. Recently, I asked each of my big boys what mommy thinks of when she thinks about them. Their answers:

1) that you love me
2) that I'm really good and special

I think I'm doing alright. I'm far from perfect though. But, this is imamother land. Come for a little advice, leave with multiple diagnoses.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 5:38 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

The underlying issue may not even be about anything happening at school, he may simple want to stay home because he is jealous of the baby and wants to be treated/pampered like the baby. He may feel like you are trying to get rid of him by sending him to school and/or may be wondering why he has to go to school when the baby gets to stay home. He may also feel like he is missing out on some of the fun things that you do with the baby while he is forced to go to school. And the baby is already taking your attention away from him when he is not in school and that is making him even angrier about this whole thing but he probably doesn't really realize it and certainly can't articulate it.
It may also be a combination of school and home that is causing him to not want to go to school. But you say that he has always been difficult, in what ways was he difficult? And how have you dealt with it in the past?

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 6:37 pm

amother wrote:

He has always been impulsive and hyperactive and defiant. He always "made trouble" that he was way to old to be doing. Never really cared about any consequences or punishments. Never seems to learn, no matter how many times he receives a punishment. That's what I mean by difficult. He was also my baby for almost seven years.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:12 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

You are describing symptoms of ADHD. Combined with the fact that he just had to give up his status of being the baby of the family and starting serious learning in school (I am guessing he is in first or second grade so he is only now starting to sit for longer periods at a time and having to concentrate/focus on the learning which is difficult to do with ADHD) and you have a major problem that needs to be dealt with immediately. If you haven't had him evaluated yet, then please find a neurologist to do that and then a good therapist who will help him with his problems and as help you deal with it as well.

mommy3b2c

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:18 pm

amother wrote:

I've thought about ADHD but I don't think that's what it is. He does really well in school and has no problem sitting in class. I have a feeling that he has anxiety, which is caused by his need to be perfect.

amother

Pewter

Tue, May 10 2016, 7:45 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

It may be that he has anxiety and ADHD. It may be that his undiagnosed ADHD is causing him to be anxious since he has to put all his energy into sitting in school all day and focusing on the learning and that is also effecting his social life in school and his life at home. He can get good grades and still have ADHD since it can manifest itself in other ways. And he is younger now so his ability to do well in school can unravel when he gets older and the work is harder. Please do not diagnose him yourself, take him to a neurologist who can properly evaluate him and either diagnose him with ADHD or rule it out completely.

In the meanwhile, here are some articles that may help you understand your son a little better. (these are not meant to take the place of a specialist, who can properly diagnose and treat ADHD)

https://www.empoweringparents......kids/

http://www.additudemag.com/adh......html

http://totallyaddconnect.com/f.....hool/

http://www.addvance.com/help/p......html