Was I so wrong? | Imamother

amother

Babypink

Thu, May 12 2016, 9:57 am

I took my ds11 out to eat for lunch yesterday. Before I picked him up from school, I bought a few things. When we started leaving the restaurant, he took my shopping bag to help me. Very sweet of him and I thanked him, but I told him to hold it the right way. Another time I was with him and we were both holding bags, he wasn't holding the bag through the handle, but closed. No big deal at all, but it is more secure to hold it through the handle. He didn't listen either time. I don't know why. Maybe it's more comfortable for him.

Anyway, as we were crossing the street, the bag fell and a bunch of the things fell out. This was in the street and a car was coming and we didn't have the right of way. It was a quiet street and originally we had plenty of time to cross. I pushed the things that fell on the ground with my foot to the curb and we picked the stuff up and put them back in.

This is where I'm asking if I was so wrong. My ds is extremely sensitive, so I'm not sure if it's him or me or both of us. As I we were cleaning up, I told him that that's why you have to hold the bag through the handle. I didn't yell, but I did sound annoyed and I said a few more things to the effect of we're in middle of the street, etc.. He didn't cry or say anything, but his eyes started to water and get red. Should I not have said anything?

An incident happened this morning that made me ask about this one. The second incident wasn't with him and I know my reaction was wrong. I yelled. Not like a maniac, but yell nevertheless. I will apologize to my ds when he comes home and tell him I was wrong for yelling.

mummiedearest

Thu, May 12 2016, 10:01 am

I don't think you were wrong for telling him to hold it properly, but the "I told you so" was probably too much for him. do you trust him to learn from his mistakes? if so, let it go. if you think he won't link his handling of the bag to dropping it, it should be pointed out, but perhaps later in the evening so he can get over his possible embarrassment.

imasinger

Thu, May 12 2016, 10:07 am

I'd think about it like this:

It's not that you were "so wrong." On a scale of terrible things parents do, saying "I told you so" ranks pretty low on the list.

But perhaps the relevant question is, "Was there a better way to handle this?" (No pun about bag handles intended.)

And there, I think you may find an answer.

Nobody -- not me, not you, not anyone -- likes to be told "You see? Look how you messed up by not listening to me." Not in those words, and not in the tone of voice that indicates those words. It doesn't help anything at all.

Not. A. Thing.

Because in addition to feeling hurt, the recipient of those words feels mad. And that's not as productive to future change.

It also sullies the lovely thing you did in taking him out to lunch. Now, he's less likely to remember the afternoon as a special time with you, and instead remember that you seemed more put out by the things that dropped in the street than you were pleased by his efforts in taking your bag.

It generally is more effective in the moment to just pick the things up quietly, and thank him for helping to get them picked up quickly. Then, after you are home, you can say, "It was so nice of you to help me with the bag. That's what matters most to me. I would like to talk to you about how to avoid things falling, though. What do you think happened that the bag spilled like that?"

That way, you can see what his own thinking is, and then gently explain why you like to see bags held by handles, which is far more conducive to his remembering to hold the bag differently in the future.

Last edited by imasinger on Thu, May 12 2016, 10:09 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Babypink

Thu, May 12 2016, 10:09 am

mummiedearest wrote:

I didn't realize it sounded like an I told you so. Thank you for pointing that out. I probably do that more than I realize and than wonder why they get so upset. I have to be more careful. Thank you!

amother

Babypink

Thu, May 12 2016, 10:10 am

imasinger wrote:

Thank you! Hindsight is always easy Wink

Fox

Thu, May 12 2016, 11:00 am

The part of your post that jumped out at me was that your DS is "extremely sensitive." That can mean different things to different people, but if he indeed fits the criteria of being a highly-sensitive person -- approximately 20 percent of the population -- then you'll need to learn how to guide and coach him effectively.

Being highly sensitive doesn't mean that your feelings are easily hurt, though that's often what it looks like to someone who doesn't share this trait. It means that everything in the world is just amplified for you.

For example, many highly-sensitive people find excessive sensory stimuli -- like loud background music, for example -- to be extremely uncomfortable and distracting. Another common experience is being more affected by sad stories or songs than is considered "normal." A simple Google search will give you a lot of information as well as a good feeling for whether your son falls into this group.

Assuming he does, here's what you need to keep in mind: criticism and even negative body language is amplified for the highly-sensitive person. What you would feel to be a reasonable, normal response is like a flash flood of condemnation for your son.

That doesn't mean, though, that he doesn't need guidance, coaching, or correction. It just means that you have to keep in mind that your disapproval sounds 10 to 100 times more intense to him than you intend. A look or a sigh may be all that's needed to get your point across.

I also believe it's important to discuss the issue with kids who are likely highly sensitive. When the pressure is off, talk with him about how he perhaps processes things differently from other people and how that can lead to misunderstandings. Explain that you might sometimes seem overbearing or more angry than you really are. The more opportunity he has to discuss and think about his responses, the better prepared he will be not only to handle your occasional missteps, but also to use his sensitivity for good rather than allowing it to be a problem.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, May 12 2016, 11:10 am

Fox wrote:

I also believe it's important to discuss the issue with kids who are likely highly sensitive. When the pressure is off, talk with him about how he perhaps processes things differently from other people and how that can lead to misunderstandings. Explain that you might sometimes seem overbearing or more angry than you really are. The more opportunity he has to discuss and think about his responses, the better prepared he will be not only to handle your occasional missteps, but also to use his sensitivity for good rather than allowing it to be a problem.

As a sensitive person, ITA with this post.

I also want to say, when I was younger, if someone yelled at me I would be close to tears, and sometimes it was as if they came on their own, without my intending them. Often I was ashamed of my tears and emotion, and wished I could get it in check.

I remember a particularly embarrassing incident, where a teacher we had used to yell at students randomly - like you came into class and he'd bark at you that the student who sat here last semester failed, better choose another seat - or something like that. He was just very loud, inane, and had a harsh voice. So one day I came in and he barked at me, I was startled, and all of a sudden the tears came. I was mortified, and ran for the bathroom....for sure my classmates thought I was the world's biggest baby.

As an adult I've learned to control my emotions better. It's like if someone yells at me, I've learned to give myself a quick message OKAY YOU CAN HANDLE THIS, and I don't get so overwhelmed. Being aware of my sensitivities was the first step to getting them under control.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 12 2016, 12:25 pm

amother wrote:

Wow - what you describe of the teacher yelling and tears coming - that was me exactly and I was also so embarrassed. Thank you for the validation (40 years later)!!

Another sensitive person here. In high school, my driver's ed coach was also the boy's football coach. He used the same approach across the board.

Every time I tried to drive, I would have a panic attack, which just made him alternate between yelling, and making crude jokes about "women drivers". I never did get my license, and to this day just the thought of driving makes my nervous.

Please choose your words carefully!