Engagement/ proposal question

amother

Cerulean

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:00 pm

I am trying to understand a custom that is new to me.
When I got engaged decades ago, my husband proposed and then we told everyone.
Nowadays I hear a lot of "my daughter is getting engaged tonight". I find it unusual that I know this before the kallah does.
Can anyone explain?

youngmominlkwd

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:03 pm

You don't know before the kallah does. The chosson and the Kkllah both know that he will propose on said date.

observer

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:07 pm

When dh and I were dating, we decided together on which date we would get engaged. Then dh proposed at that time. Though we didn't tell others before, aside for our parents and siblings.

Dh knew I didn't like surprises Very Happy

amother

Cerulean

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:08 pm

So there's no element of surprise as far as the exact date of the proposal?

mummiedearest

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:14 pm

amother wrote:

So there's no element of surprise as far as the exact date of the proposal?

it depends on the couple. a lot of couples using shadchanim do a lot more "tachlis" talk, and therefore have discussed engagement. those who are a little more casual about it may not have this specific conversation.

amother

Red

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:18 pm

I (and my immediate family) knew I was getting engaged some time that week, but didn't know the exact day, so there was some element of surprise. It was a little like Color War break out in camp- you know Color War has to happen around a certain time, but you still don't know when exactly they're gonna break it out, and there may even be some fake outs. And yes, I had a fake out too, that week LOL

LiLIsraeli

Thu, May 12 2016, 2:28 pm

Most times the boy and girl date and if they like each other and want to get married, the two sets of parents will sit down together and discuss finances, etc. Then on the next date the boy will propose. So no surprises, usually.

HonesttoGod

Thu, May 12 2016, 3:40 pm

Often the "tonight" is when the families will get together and drink a lchaim and make it "official".

Proposal can happen then, or before then (whilst the family gathers or even earlier).

dancingqueen

Thu, May 12 2016, 3:50 pm

Not in my circles but I know in some Rw mo circles the guy tells the family in friends that he plans to propose that day so they can come to the lchaim that night, so they do sometimes know before the Kallah.

Rachel Shira

Thu, May 12 2016, 3:51 pm

We knew we wanted to get married. He surprised me with a proposal at the end of one of our dates and we only told our parents then. A few days later, we made it official (means something different for different circles, I'm Chabad so we went to the ohel then). So if my mother had told someone "my daughter is getting engaged tonight," that's what she would have meant.

Another mom

Thu, May 12 2016, 6:43 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

That may be risky, what if she says "no" or "later"....??????

Water Stones

Thu, May 12 2016, 8:14 pm

LiLIsraeli wrote:

I engaged this same way.

amother

Apricot

Thu, May 12 2016, 8:20 pm

yes my sister is chasidish/yeshivish and when her daughter wasnt engaged yet but they all knew they were going to lechaim and she told us before so I would be able to come we live in different states

amother

Gray

Thu, May 12 2016, 11:20 pm

amother wrote:

yes my sister is chasidish/yeshivish and when her daughter wasnt engaged yet but they all knew they were going to lechaim and she told us before so I would be able to come we live in different states

Chassidish and yeshivish are two very different things.

dancingqueen

Fri, May 13 2016, 12:39 am

Another mom wrote:

That may be risky, what if she says "no" or "later"....??????

I think the couple has already spoken and agreed to get engaged to each other but just waiting on the official proposal.

amother

Indigo

Fri, May 13 2016, 12:46 am

If we're in this topic anyway, what's the pshat of the boy bending down like that by proposal??

happybeingamom

Fri, May 13 2016, 12:03 pm

The pshat is the boy does what he wants.