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Should I encourage this friendship?
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, May 15 2016, 3:54 pm
DS, 8 years old is not like other kids his age. He does NOT have aspergers or autism but he is definitely different-socially, emotionally, and developmentally. He attends a mainstream yeshiva and does fairly okay with some outside academic help. He has some speech delays and has a low tone which translates into he is very poor at sports. He knows it and therefore doesn't like sports and is very vocal about that (not a wise move in a school full of boys). We have been able to find him some other outlets (boy scouts, for example) and he has made some friends through that.
In school, though, he really doesn't have any friends. Most of the boys play ball during recess and he is not interested. There are some other boys who also don't play sports but he has not been successful in creating relationships with them.
Here's the thing: I think most of the boys don't really want to be his friend. He IS different. He talks a little different. He is a bit socially awkward. He has been to social skills groups before and I did not find them helpful. I am not looking for encouragment to take him for more counseling, evaluation, or social skills.
What I want to know is would you encourage the following friendship: Another boy in his class is similar to him. I think even worse. My son told me the Rebbe spoke to the boys about this other boy (Chaim) while he was out of class one day and asked them to be kind to him because he is "different." A number of boys have been put next to Chaim to sit but all have had to be moved because they couldn't tolerate some of his differences (issues with personal space, boundaries, socially awkward). My son has recently started playing with Chaim at recess and they seem to get along well. Chaim has invited him to play outside of school and it has gone well too. He seems to be a sweet boy in a somewhat similar boat to my son.
I just worry: if I encourage the friendship, will that totally eliminate any chance of my son being a "mainstream" part of the class? Will the other boys (who have been tolerant of my son until now) write him off completely since he is now Chaim's friend? And since my son (and Chaim) are prone to bullying does this make my son even more susceptible?
Or is a socially awkward friend better than no friend?
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 15 2016, 4:56 pm
Never a good idea to ditch a friend because other people won't be friends with you.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, May 15 2016, 8:22 pm
A safe, comfortable, and mutual friendship is extremely beneficial to your son to improve his self esteem, self confidence, and of course all the underlying social, communication, and emotional skills that comes along with friendship. Hour son and this boy have naturally gravitated towards each other, and children typically do what feels right to them. I think you absolutely should encourage the friendship. As the boys get older, they will develop more empathy and being "different" will become less of an issue. Social circles will change. For the here and now, I would not worry, and I would encourage my child's positive experiences.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 15 2016, 9:21 pm
If your son has a friend he likes to play with and he is a nice boy, why not?
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 12:08 am
It sounds like a case of water finding its own level. Your son is not very assertive, not into sports, sounds like a sweet and unique kid who is not yet appreciated by his peers. This boy sounds like he may be somewhat less well-developed than your son, but doesn't sound like a bad influence. Why not let them be friends? From this friendship, your son might grow in confidence and eventually, he may branch out to other friends. I can't see any disadvantages.
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newmom770




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 6:55 am
Yes it is way better than having no friends. It gives him meaning, connection and happiness. Thank Hashem that he finally has a friend. Also its actually impressive that he can get along well with someone who others find hard to get along with.
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Runner18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 9:58 am
So I'm a little alarmed about what you said about Chaim having issues with boundaries and personal space...make sure you speak to your son about appropriate touch...maybe encourage a few play dates at your home when you can get to know Chaim a little better.

Personally I don't like that the rebbe told all of the boys that Chaim is different, maybe that's what the parents wanted, but that's not why we should be nice to people. We shouldn't be nice to people because they're a Nebuch. We should be nice to people because we should be nice to people. Period.

But yes, overall it's good that your son found a friend. In my experience though, when I was really struggling wit fitting in in elementary and middle school, it didn't make me feel that much better about myself that I was friendis with the other misfits. Yeah it filled the time but I still felt really sad and lonely that I was different.
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ValleyMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 10:45 am
I agree with the above poster. The teacher should not have told the other children to "be nice to Chaim because he is different". Personally I would have said something like "We have a new person joining our group. Let's welcome him to our class and help him feel comfortable and a part of our class family.".

As far as boundary issues- generally that means that the boy is a "close talker" or has difficulty staying in his own personal 'hula hoop'. Nothing deviant, annoying to some children, but nothing to get all worked up about.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 4:00 pm
So I was a 'weird kid' growing up. There was a girl in my class who was even weirder - she had some learning disabilities, and seemed to lack some social graces that maybe the rest of us had, and just seemed a bit behind devlopmentally. Most people found her very annoying. In 4th grade, I decided that maybe I could help her, since even though I was weird, I was strong academically, and I befriended her. It helped both of us, and we remain friends until this day. And no, we didn't become more abnormal due to our friendship - if anything, it was the first time I had someone who cold sympathize with me, which was so needed emotionally and psychologically - someone just got me. My parents actually couldn't stand her, but they saw that we were happier together, so they didn't day anything, and I am really happy they didn't. The isolation I felt as a 'weird kid' weighed heavily on me as a kid and has never left me, but the years when I had friend made a huge difference in my life. Having a friend, any friend, is always better than having no friend. If your son is happier with his friend, his happiness and emotional connection will push his development forward much more than being acquaintances with normal kids. From someone who's been in your sons shoes, don't tear away his only friend - how would you have felt if your parents had forbid you from seeing your good friend?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 5:08 pm
Runner18 wrote:


Personally I don't like that the rebbe told all of the boys that Chaim is different, maybe that's what the parents wanted, but that's not why we should be nice to people. We shouldn't be nice to people because they're a Nebuch. We should be nice to people because we should be nice to people. Period.

.


We don't actually know what the rebbe said. We know what her son said the rebbe said. I actually think it's fine to blunt with kids and tell them that we have to be nice to kids even if they are different. The kids notice that the boy is different, believe me the rebbe isn't pointing out to them.
I agree with the above posters that there is no good reason to end this friendship. Imagine if another mother told her son to end his friendship with your son in order to improve his popularity prospects.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 7:25 pm
especially in your son's situation it is really unfair to even consider it ~ please don't behave like the other boys by not letting your son befriend him too
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 7:39 pm
I know someone who sounds very similar.. He pretty much danced to his own tune. Had a few sporadic friends like him along the way. Was awful in sports, poor social skills , most of the kids made fun of him

Fast forward 40 years.. He is a massive Talmud chochom, computer genius and very knowledgeable in many things

The oso mainstream super athletic kids, are now basically losers who can barely drive car service, trucks, or stock shelves in stores. And they are too old and out of shape for sports

Don't worry op, your son will be just fine
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Runner18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 8:51 pm
tichellady wrote:
We don't actually know what the rebbe said. We know what her son said the rebbe said. I actually think it's fine to blunt with kids and tell them that we have to be nice to kids even if they are different. The kids notice that the boy is different, believe me the rebbe isn't pointing out to them.
I agree with the above posters that there is no good reason to end this friendship. Imagine if another mother told her son to end his friendship with your son in order to improve his popularity prospects.


did I offend you? If you read what I wrote, I didn't say OP should end the friendship in order to improve popularity. Not sure how you extrapolated that. My closing remark was that yes, it's good her son has a friend but it's important to still tend to his self-esteem and self-concept.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 9:11 pm
Runner18 wrote:
So I'm a little alarmed about what you said about Chaim having issues with boundaries and personal space...make sure you speak to your son about appropriate touch...maybe encourage a few play dates at your home when you can get to know Chaim a little better.

Personally I don't like that the rebbe told all of the boys that Chaim is different, maybe that's what the parents wanted, but that's not why we should be nice to people. We shouldn't be nice to people because they're a Nebuch. We should be nice to people because we should be nice to people. Period.

But yes, overall it's good that your son found a friend. In my experience though, when I was really struggling wit fitting in in elementary and middle school, it didn't make me feel that much better about myself that I was friendis with the other misfits. Yeah it filled the time but I still felt really sad and lonely that I was different.


We have absolutely no way of knowing how the rebbe described the situation. None of us were in the classroom, including the op. I'm assuming she heard this from her 8 year old child.
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Runner18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 10:22 pm
amother wrote:
We have absolutely no way of knowing how the rebbe described the situation. None of us were in the classroom, including the op. I'm assuming she heard this from her 8 year old child.


I hear that...why are you Amother?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, May 16 2016, 11:50 pm
OP, it pains me to write this, but I could be Chaim's mother. He's the same age, social issues, personal space/boundary issues... the only difference is, he doesn't have a friend like your son who's invited him to play or come to our house. I wish he had someone like your son. He could really use a friend, no matter how awkward said friend may be.

Please, invite my "Chaim" to play. He's a sweet, adorable kid with some problems that we're dealing with professionally, and a friend would do a world of good for him.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 17 2016, 12:30 am
Runner18 wrote:
did I offend you? If you read what I wrote, I didn't say OP should end the friendship in order to improve popularity. Not sure how you extrapolated that. My closing remark was that yes, it's good her son has a friend but it's important to still tend to his self-esteem and self-concept.
.
You didn't offend me I was just disagreeing with the what you were saying about the rabbi being wrong about what he said. That's all. And you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I prefer speaking to what kids are actually thinking even if they shouldn't be thinking that ( and I think the kids are thinking " we don't have to be friends with kids that are weird" so the rebbe is saying " actually you do need to make an effort to be nice to people who seem weird to you")
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newmom770




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 17 2016, 7:53 am
I agree thats its ok to speak bluntly (but nicely) to the kids, that way you are discussing their experience which shows that you see what they see but expect better behaviour.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 17 2016, 10:14 am
I think teaching our kids to befriend the "Chaim's" of the world benefits our kids most of all. They learn empathy, compassion, and hone their own social skills to boot, learning to get along with all types of people and have confidence too. I'm a big fan of Rebetzin Jungreis's books, and she discusses these concepts alot.

I encourage my kids to look out for kids in their class who are lonely, and include them in their social circle.

I was so proud of my oldest DD and her friends, when, in eighth grade, she hosted a sleep-over party the night of her graduation trip (they leave at like 4 a.m., so the girls all sleep over at friends whose mother - that was yours truly - is willing to get up and drive them) and invited, along with her two best friends, another girl who had physical and social issues. The girl was so excited to be included. When they boarded the bus, it was two to a seat, so DD sat with this girl for the whole trip.

I agree with many points made in this thread. The idea that you can build your child and his confidence while encouraging the friendship with the child who has social issues. The two are not mutually exclusive.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Tue, May 17 2016, 10:16 am
OP here. Thanks for the great feedback. Best thing is you were all consistent so I don't have to analyze and decide. As far as what the Rebbe said, I don't really know exactly. My son didn't go into exact specifics and I didn't ask. So it could be what I posted about the Rebbe's speech is totally inaccurate.
Honeydew Amother, I am so sorry that your son is in a similar position and I hope that he finds friends (and maybe you are who I am talking about--who knows???)
Part of my problem is that I can't get a good handle on what DS wants. He knows that Chaim is different and I think he is somewhat ambivalent about the whole situation.....
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