"Uncovered" by Leah Lax - anyone read it?

amother

Firebrick

Mon, May 16 2016, 9:46 am

What did you think? I read it because I too am a ba'al teshuva who has been questioning the validity of what I learned, and think that trying to find holiness in monotonous things like scrubbing the bathroom floor is a lot of baloney. I liked how she shared her own story but thought it could have been 50-100 pages shorter. A little melodramatic at times. An interesting memoir, but a little too long. Anyone else?

PinkFridge

Mon, May 16 2016, 1:25 pm

oliveoil wrote:

It's been discussed here before. Look for some old threads.

I found one. It was locked.
I got it out. Held on to it till it was due. Realized I had no cheshek to read it.

Now we can have an interesting discussion here about finding G-d in the details, and surviving the quotidian rut by elevating it. Or you (not oo, OP) can start a thread about issues you've had, using the book as a springboard. I'll be interested in following the discussion!

amother

Firebrick

Mon, May 16 2016, 2:07 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

I just wanted to see what others thought, and the locked thread had very few responses. This thread has gotten even fewer replies...oh well! What

oliveoil

Mon, May 16 2016, 4:31 pm

Ok, I'll weigh in.

I thoroughly disliked the book. I felt like there was a major lack of honesty on her part.

If you look at Shulem Deen's book, for example, he takes you back to how he felt when he DID believe, and when he was caught up in the fervor he genuinely felt then.

With leah Lax, I felt it was all colored with her current feelings. We didn't get an honest picture of her early years when she chose to become frum.

She also seemed to take no responsibility for breaking up her family, placing all her blame on her husband, who, actually, sounds like a decent guy.

There were also lots of exaggerations and inaccuracies in the book. She describes her heart breaking for her daughters as they sit around the chanukah candles and only the boys are allowed to sing. Um... it's just your family, of course they can sing.

When she talks about how she went out to eat with friends and didn't know how to tip, as if that had something to do with her being religious. What is the connection?

Not to mention, many of the things she describes may be accurate in satmar or skvere, but certainly are not at all true in Lubavitch communities, of which she was a part. So that was odd.

And that is just the very tip of the iceberg.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, May 16 2016, 5:18 pm

oliveoil wrote:

Thank you for your response. I felt she was more drawn in by the actual people (which I can relate to, Chabad made me frum as well!) and the need to belong - not from an actual belief in Hashem. She was hoping for something hasidut didn't give her, and instead resented the gender discrepancy (something I can also relate to). The end put me off as well, and I can't help but wonder what effect it all REALLY had on her family, the recounting of which she seems to have sanitized.

amother

Azure

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 6:43 pm

I'm back to add one more thing: I grew up a little bit in the chabad world and I find a tremendous amount of wisdom and beauty and inspiration in the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

Do I nod and agree blindly with everything every rav (chabad or otherwise) has to say? No. Do I like the idea that scrubbing floors is a holy mitzvah? I don't. But G-d gave minds and free will to us humans and I believe in thinking for oneself while at the same time respecting the lifestyle and choices of others around me. No, I won't scrub bathroom floors but I won't make fun of another person who finds fulfillment in doing so.

What I find exasperating in her book (and I'm not even halfway through) is that she distorts everything to make it seem that what she is experiencing is the reality for all chabadnicks. Going on one date before marriage proposal? Not at ALL common in chabad. In fact I don't know anyone who went on one shidduch date before proposing. Being told that birth control is not acceptable except for medical reasons? what? and the list goes on....

If she were to be honest, her book would tell the story of a very difficult childhood (hoarder mother, depressed father) and how she was afraid to come out as a lesbian so instead she selfishly chooses to ruin a man's life by marrying him under false pretences....I know I'm going to get even more enraged if I continue reading because she probably has one child after another only to abandon them and blame it all on the "hasidic cult".

marina

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 8:09 pm

amother wrote:

I lived in Crown Heights. I was proposed to after one date by the first guy I went out with and his proposal was something about how he was ready to write into the Rebbe now. Almost all of my friends were engaged after 3 dates- that was their families' thing - either you get engaged or you drop it after 3 dates. I ended up getting engaged on the 8th date and that was considered way out there.

Many chabad rabbonim are very strict on birth control. I was personally given a psak that I should rather go to mikvah a week late than take birth control ( after I already had a boy and girl). After that I stopped asking shailos in birth control Smile

amother

Azure

Sat, Nov 26 2016, 9:01 pm

Quote:

ok, I agree that there are many different levels and extremes in all communities. But what is great about being a human being is our ability to pick and choose what works for us. Leah lives in a free country, she didn't even grow up frum so she can't use the "if I don't do as they say, I will lose my community/family" card. She seems to not want to take any responsibility or make any decisions in her life but would rather join a "sect" that she can then follow blindly and blame for all her problems.

Had she not fallen on chabad or even judaism, she would have searched for something else to hang on to, follow blindly, and then blamed them for everything in her life - writing a book to throw them all under the bus (including her own children and husband who are actually the only real victims in the story).

amother

Blush

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 6:49 am

marina wrote:

So curious about who you asked your birth control shaila to. I am maybe a year or two younger then you and had no problem getting a heter (admittedly after 3 kids in 2.5 years). We asked a rabbi who is I believe local to you and taught my dh chassan classes.

I think there is a wide range of dating practices...some people will get engaged very quickly. I don't recall any pressure to make up my mind after 3 dates. My husband surprised me by proposing very quickly after a few dates - maybe 4 or 5? This was after saying he didn't want to rush into anything lol. Certainly dating for a few weeks is not frowned upon.

In any case chabad 20 years ago and chabad today is different. I'm on some chabad facebook groups and birth control is frequently discussed. Once a woman who got pregnant very quickly after her first baby was talking about all the comments she got from other CH moms criticising her seemingly for not using bc.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 7:46 am

marina wrote:

I'm probably close to your age.
The norm was 3-4 dates. But there was no rule. Many people went out 8-10 times also. Now 8-10 is kind of minimum.
But one ? Either you got yourself a real fresh idealistic BT or you swept him off his feet!
I never read the book & now don't plan to. I know such people in real life.
Same story. And a total lack of personal responsibility for anything.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 9:38 am

marina wrote:

Strange.....I grew up in Chabad and neither I nor any of my siblings got engaged before 10 dates minimum. Most of us much more. Same with most of my acquaintances. I know the occasional person who got engaged after a few short dates, and that always seems to be the exception. And most friends and (large extended) family are or have been on birth control (usually with the involvement of a rav) and tall freely about it.

marina

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:16 am

amother wrote:

Quote:

Look, I'm not a fan of Leah's book or this genre usually, Deen's book excluded because of its raw honesty.

But BTs who go OTD absolutely can fall back on the losing community-family card because they have typically gone through a lot to become BT and then going OTD is a very public way of admitting you messed up. And while you are in the community, there's a very very strong pull to conform.

That said, I do agree that people blame others too much for their own failures.

marina

Sun, Nov 27 2016, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

We lived in Worcester MA for a few years after we got married and I asked the elder Rabbi Fogelman, as did everyone else... Not Rabbi Chaikin who was here in Cleveland and who surely would have given a more normal psak.