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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Shavuos
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amother
Burgundy
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 Wed, May 18 2016, 9:28 am
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It's 6 meals and I'm overwhelmed with end of the year paperwork and I have a baby that gets up at night and I'm not interested in them hanging out here for 3 days. Last yr I said it was too much and then they told my husband after Shavous they were upset they couldn't come for Shavous.
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watergirl
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:31 am
Can you provide more details so we can give you a better answer?
Why would you have to host them? Is it for sleeping and eating? Do they live too far away to walk? And first you say it 6 meals, then you say its 3 - which one? I'm sorry, I am finding your post a bit confusing, and I'd love to help if I can.
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amother
Lemon
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:32 am
No you don't have to. tra la la la.
But you do have to deal with the angst that comes when u don't have them 
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amother
Burgundy
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:36 am
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yes it's for sleeping and eating. they live too far away to walk. it's for 3 days I fixed my original post and 6 meals. If they weren't here me and my husband could eat a quiet meal the 2nd night (it's always late) and the kids will be sleeping and we could eat whatever but when my inlaws are here I have to serve a 3 course meal even late at night and I'm too tired and not in the mood. I would have to cook tons and clean up the house for them and deal with them criticizing the kids.....
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LittleDucky
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:44 am
There are no "musts" in life except taxes and death. Seriously. But you will have to live with the consequences...
Why do they want (or feel the need) to come? Can you host another time? Is it tradition?
Can you set some boundaries? "We'd love to have you but second night is super simple. We were thinking of XYZ since we are so tired and not too hungry..."
This way everyone knows what to expect and you can minimize hurt feelings and expectations...
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amother
Burgundy
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:50 am
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we had them for shavous 2 and 3 yrs ago so now they think they should come to us every shavous. but those yrs it was only 2 days. I don't know why 6 meals feels so much more overwhelming than 4 meals.
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boysrus
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Wed, May 18 2016, 9:53 am
| amother wrote: | | we had them for shavous 2 and 3 yrs ago so now they think they should come to us every shavous. but those yrs it was only 2 days. I don't know why 6 meals feels so much more overwhelming than 4 meals. |
it feels like that, because it is! It is 50% more meals to host guests for, and if tehy are critical people then 3 days of yomtov can feel like an eternity
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SRS
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Wed, May 18 2016, 10:02 am
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Do they have other friends in your neighborhood that would take them in for a meal or two? I would be overwhelmed too.
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boysrus
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Wed, May 18 2016, 10:05 am
| SRS wrote: | | Do they have other friends in your neighborhood that would take them in for a meal or two? I would be overwhelmed too. |
great idea! I know that when my neighbors in-laws come for yomtov, I always invite them for a meal after checking with the neighbors that they are okay with that. I invite them for two reasons - 1 because we have gotten to know them and they are nice people and 2 because I know it makes such a difference to my neigbor she loves to get a break from them!
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amother
Cerulean
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Wed, May 18 2016, 10:18 am
| Vanilla wrote: | | Ask to go to them! |
that's not always the answer. Sometimes you want your privacy and time with dh.
I am in a similar situation, not sure if I should invite.
I am happy to cook for y"t, but it does make it a lot more overwhelming when having guests. and it would mean giving up the quiet quality night meals with just me and dh.
still undecided...
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emaesq
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Wed, May 18 2016, 10:26 am
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Can you explain to them that it is a lot of work and maybe they can help with the cooking and preparing for the chag or perhaps they can buy some food so you don't have to make as much?
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watergirl
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Wed, May 18 2016, 10:46 am
When I lived in a different state then my parents/in laws, I had to host them for sleeping as well, so I can relate. They are also very critical - SUPER critical, actually. I do NOT make fancy meals for holidays/shabbos - also, there is simply no money for meat (ever) so its a lot of chicken (I cant relate to the meal plans that people share on here for YT!). I would rather not be a shmatta by the end of the chag, but I have to host - they want to come for the holidays, and as they are not frum, we cant go to them. I get it. Can I tell them that they cant come? Of course I can. Do I? Never. That's my choice though, and I live with it.
How do I manage? I take time outs in my room. I take walks (having a dog has its perks!). I make play dates for the kids for YT afternoon out of the house so the kids get a break from constant criticism. And I remember that they will be gone in a few days time.
Meals - I tell them that certain meals will be simple and easy. Not an apology, but as a heads up for them. Like, "mom, just so you know, second night is super simple". Done. Not an apology for the simple meal, just a matter of fact statement before hand.
Alone time - ask them if they would mind watching the kids for you one afternoon so you and DH can take a stroll. Are they they type?
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amother
Burgundy
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Wed, May 18 2016, 11:53 am
We don't want to go to them. we want to be home in our own beds and the kids sleep better in their own beds. and the kids will have no friends to play with by their house.
they do know my neighbors but I can't send them to a neighbor for a meal. they'll be insulted.
they don't care if the meals are simple and don't eat a lot. I just feel pressure when I have guests.
they would bring food and take the kids out to the park in the afternoon. it's just added pressure and feeling overwhelmed to have guests. we mentioned if they can come for a shabbos instead but they said they want to spend shavous with us and the kids and don't want to be home alone for the whole y"t. so I feel bad to say no
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, May 18 2016, 11:58 am
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It sounds like it will be helpful to have them and you will get major bonus points. I think you should have them.
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doctorima
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Wed, May 18 2016, 12:05 pm
| amother wrote: | | It sounds like it will be helpful to have them and you will get major bonus points. I think you should have them. |
This. From what you've said, I don't see a clear reason to justify not having them and causing tension, especially considering that you did it already last Shavuos. I'm not saying it will be fun, but I think the right thing to do is to have them. And spend the next few weeks figuring out how to make it more manageable - ask MIL to bring certain dishes, schedule alone time with DH, etc.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, May 18 2016, 12:06 pm
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Put yourself in their shoes at their age. Would you want to spend all of yt alone?
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mummiedearest
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Wed, May 18 2016, 12:11 pm
op, if they don't care what you serve, the simplest plan is to serve one course meals. voila. less pressure.
you need to recognize what pressure comes from them, and what comes from you. if you can't handle hosting them with one course meals, say no.
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sky
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Wed, May 18 2016, 12:21 pm
What does your DH say?
Would he like to spend yom tov with his parents?
Can you ask them to bring food? Like say - we would love to have you but I;m so busy with the baby . Would you be able to make the kugels, meat, soup, salads, dessert, etc.... Pick 2 categories to delicate and then e-mail and exact list of they type of dishes you need.
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mummiedearest
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Wed, May 18 2016, 12:26 pm
duplicate post
Last edited by mummiedearest on Wed, May 18 2016, 12:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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