Do I have to have my in-laws for Shavous?

amother

Denim

Wed, May 18 2016, 3:27 pm

doctorima wrote:

This. From what you've said, I don't see a clear reason to justify not having them and causing tension, especially considering that you did it already last Shavuos. I'm not saying it will be fun, but I think the right thing to do is to have them. And spend the next few weeks figuring out how to make it more manageable - ask MIL to bring certain dishes, schedule alone time with DH, etc.

Really???? because she did it once or twice because she was nice, she has to always have them? It's like the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished." Do what 's best for you. They will get over it.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 18 2016, 3:32 pm

he's happy to have them. it's his parents not in-laws!

they would bring food but it's still extra pressure on yom tov to have guests for 6 meals.

I guess I'll end up having them just feel like I have no choice. and I didn't invite them. they asked if they can come for shavous.

tichellady

Wed, May 18 2016, 3:43 pm

I understand how you feel. If you choose to have them can you try to potluck with friends for a few of the meals? Also at least in my community, Saturday night and Sunday light are lite meals because of the all night learning. I think I will serve soup and lox and bagels or rolls on Saturday night and for Sunday lunch we will do homemade pizza and a big salad. keep Shabbos simple: deli, cholent etc. if your in laws are willing to help with cooking, take them up on their offer.

Another mom

Wed, May 18 2016, 4:34 pm

emaesq wrote:

Can you explain to them that it is a lot of work and maybe they can help with the cooking and preparing for the chag or perhaps they can buy some food so you don't have to make as much?

Don't they understand this themselves??
My MIL always asks what to bring and visa versa

amother

Ruby

Wed, May 18 2016, 5:26 pm

I can totally empathize with you, OP.

We have also hosted my in laws for Shavuos for the last couple of years and they're coming again this year. On the one hand, I do enjoy having them and they're pretty easy company. My MIL cooks and brings whatever I request and then asks if I'm sure I don't want her to bring more. She also does all my dishes while I'm putting the kids to bed, which is an amazing help.

But 3 days is a lot of togetherness and it's still a lot of work. I do try to keep things simple, but some people have very different food preferences so it's not always so easy. And this year is complicated (in a good way!) in that my BIL's kallah is also coming so I feel like I do need to impress at least somewhat.

There are a few things I do to make things easier. I do some cooking, baking, and prep work ahead and freeze. That includes making dessert, soups, kugels, and cleaning and marinating chicken. I also plan to do some cooking on Y"T. Last year I made a large meatloaf and froze it. I put it in the fridge on Friday to defrost and made it fresh Sunday morning surrounded by cut up veggies and potatoes. It was delicious and I had plenty of time to make it fresh because we always have a late lunch the first day of Shavuos to allow those who stay up all night to get some sleep. Maybe this year I'll make a fresh roast instead. I also plan on serving all fleishig leftovers for lunch on Monday instead of making a whole new meal. I'll have some extra marinated chicken in the freezer in case there's not enough, but I don't expect to need it.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 18 2016, 5:45 pm

Thanks Ruby for the ideas and emphasizing. I think I do feel the need to impress when my in-laws are coming so I'm gonna have to start cooking and baking now. I already made a menu and shopping list. My m-i-l will bring food and watches the kids on y't. I also don't like the idea of having to "entertain" them for 3 days.

tichellady

Wed, May 18 2016, 6:58 pm

Do you need help deciding to not impress them and just have a relaxed Shavuot or have you accepted that you are going to go all out and you don't want anyone to talk you out of it? Just wanted to point out that if you make simple meals they may be less likely to invite themselves again ( jk- I am see they value being with your family more than the fanciness of the food)

sky

Wed, May 18 2016, 7:03 pm

Try to plan outings to get out of the house.
- Ask them to take the kids on a walk or to the park.
- Ask if they can watch the kids in the house when you go on a walk alone with husband.
- Go on a family walk without guests.

I'm having family for yom tov that I'm thrilled is coming and helps a lot. BUT it is a lot of togetherness, I find getting everyone out of the house at different times really helps.

Shmaichel

Wed, May 18 2016, 9:05 pm

I guess you already came to terms with it, or so it seems from your last post.

However in the future, if you feel overwhelmed and you really don't want it, just say No.

It's hard to set boundaries, especially when the parents or in-laws feel needy and make us feel guilty. But in the long run, they'd respect you for it and appreciate you for when you are able to and invite them. The message you'd really be telling them by saying no is 'ill have you when I'm happy and ready to do it, not because I'm forced to.' And try to not let the guilt that follows force you in to doing something you really don't want to do.

Yom tov is special bonding time, and you totally don't need that extra stress. It's enough to have such a long yom tov, take the kids out to shul, and have them home all day. It's hard, but it's also rewarding, because you're family has special time to connect and enjoy it together. And it's important for you to have those times for your small family, create their positive memories. The last thing you want them to remember is a stressed out mommy! So do whatever it takes to create the least stress possible so you can be calm and present for them and enjoy it yourself as well!

Good luck!!

amother

Blonde

Wed, May 18 2016, 9:11 pm

Shmaichel wrote:

[b]

How about memories for the kids spending time with their grandparents. Unfortunately they don't live forever, as I have unfortunately learned. Sad

If I could only have my diseased relatives over now....

amother

Denim

Wed, May 18 2016, 10:50 pm

amother wrote:

[b]

How about memories for the kids spending time with their grandparents. Unfortunately they don't live forever, as I have unfortunately learned. Sad

If I could only have my diseased relatives over now....

Why do those memories have to be over a yom tov? Some of us visit our relatives almost weekly. I think the hardest part of hosting over a yom tov is not having privacy and entertaining. It's not the cooking, people! Plus some of us work and our exhausted and look forward to just keeping it simple- food-wise, cleaning-wise, and entertaining-wise.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 18 2016, 11:06 pm

yes denim! that's exactly how I feel. right now I feel like I can't say "no" so I'll have to have them (but it doesn't have to be happily)

if you would see my menu, you would see why I'm panicking!

also I have to clean the guest room, make the beds, buy nice papergoods, wine, flowers etc etc etc.

and it's always boiling hot on shavous so the kids will be going nuts inside and my inlaws are always cold and complain it's freezing with the air conditioning on....

Shmaichel

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:10 am

amother wrote:

[b]

How about memories for the kids spending time with their grandparents. Unfortunately they don't live forever, as I have unfortunately learned. Sad

If I could only have my diseased relatives over now....

It's great to have memories with grandparents but definitely not at the expense of an overwhelmed Mother. There are plenty other times when it's not super stressful and everyone involved can enjoy.

amother

Red

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:18 am

It sounds like you've dug your heels in and no matter advice you get from us, u just don't want them. I think the real issue is that u were not given the choice - it was kind of an assumption from them that they'd come to u whether it was convenient or not. Whether meals are simple and easy or not. Whether they'd help out with kids or not. Maybe just tell yourself that shovuous is the one chag every year where the in laws come to u. And you can make ahead some dishes and freeze. Or buy some pretty plastic disposables for some meals.

My mil used to come to me for the first 25 years of my marriage whether I liked it or not. It was an assumption. And I hated not having any say in it. Happened to be she is THE worst mil in the world or felt like it at the time. Would criticize my dh at the table for years. Never happy with him. Get into arguments at shut with people. It was really awful. But she came and I had to choice.

abound

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:20 am

amother wrote:

Do you trust your DH to pick out the papergoods etc? Can he or the children peel all the veggies or make something? Can he take out the kids for a few hours so that you can prepare in a calm atmosphere?

watergirl

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:20 am

amother wrote:

I'm sorry you are feeing so overwhelmed. Bit - it seems like its all in your head, or mostly in your head. Like, the pressure is coming from you. You've admitted that they would be fine with simple food, that your mil will be happy to bring food and watch the kids. Thats amazing! After great advice, youve ignored most of it. People get so caught up in menu planning, fancy food, multi courses, all in the name of "oneg" when it really looks more like gaiva. WHY do you "have" to do all of this, when you truthfully Dont? If you can learn to be like Elsa and let it go, you will find that YT is more enjoyable, and so is hosting in laws.

amother

Smokey

Thu, May 19 2016, 8:30 am

I just wanted to add that we BBQ on Shavuos so it's one fairly stress free meal. Cut up some fruit for an appetizer, make a salad, and everything else is done on the grill so not a lot of advanced planning required.

I also wanted to say that I used to be like you OP, that I wouldn't have company unless I could do it nicely, but I am finally learning to cut back because you can miss out on a lot by focusing on the wrong thing. Mindfulness meditation and breathing exercises really help me focus on my priorities during stress inducing situations like this. I totally get why this is hard for you (it would be for me too) but it seems like it has the potential to create a lot of good feelings all around, if you can figure out how to let it.

animeme

Thu, May 19 2016, 9:14 am

Set your AC where you want it. Set up a space heater in your in laws' room. Warn them in advance that the house may be a bit cooler than what they're used to, so they might want to bring sweaters.

Make plans beforehand to go to a friend or a shiur for one or two of the afternoons, to get out from under the entertaining. And if your dh stays up Leil Shavuos, ask MIL if she would take the kids out that first morning so dh can sleep. Then, you get some space to yourself.