Child #2. Missing child #1

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 19 2016, 6:11 pm

Had second baby recently. And I do love her a lot yet I'm having trouble bonding with her. I just can't stop thinking about my first. They're 3.5 years apart and I just miss her and think about her all day when she's in school. She has been my best friend and I feel very close to her. She stayed home till she was 3 years old. I miss the old times when it was just me and her and was able to give her more. I feel like I didn't enjoy her enough and she grew up so quickly. I think about her childhood , look at pictures and miss her and I cry about it. I feel like I missed out on some of her childhood and didn't appreciate her enough and wasnt there for her.
She's hyper active so I wish I could keep her home but I would be stressed and overwhelmed.
But I don't know what to do. I try to make the most of the time I do have with her but it's an hour before school and it's just rushing to get her ready and fed for school Then when she gets home she's cranky and I need to feed her bathe her and get her to bed.

Please some advice. She's growing up too quickly

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 19 2016, 6:44 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Do you maybe gave ppd?

I did after my first. And did a little therapy. I only felt better once I got pregnant with my second. I do t feel as bad as I did the first time. So not sure if it's ppd. I am generally an anxious and emotional person

sara40

Thu, May 19 2016, 6:58 pm

The symptoms you're describing is not the norm. I really think you have unaddressed underlying issues with anxiety and/or depression, and it's coming out as ppd. I urge you to get urself evaluated and get help asap before it gets worse.

Hatzlacha

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:03 pm

sara40 wrote:

But isn't it normal to miss your child when they are away from u from so many hours? Won't a special tradition together or a date a night help ?

amother

Brown

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:16 pm

It's normal to miss her to a certain extent. But all the guilt that she's describing and the fact that she can't bond with her baby easily. I also think she's thinking about the older one way to much which doesn't let her enjoy the present moment. I'm no professional but a ppd sufferer. JMHO.

sourstix

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:33 pm

I'm just wondering why u feel guilty? U haven't done anything wrong? Can u find a night or day that only the two of u do something special? Will that make u feel better?
Mayb keep her home one day and leave the baby by babysitter and go somewhere? If that doesn't help then maybe there is more I don't know

Miri7

Thu, May 19 2016, 7:59 pm

You should definitely talk with a therapist to sort out your feelings and see if you have PPD. I saw a red flag when you said you're having trouble bonding with the baby.

When I have a new baby I do have thoughts of "wow, look at the big ones, they grow up so fast!" Or remember the others as babies. But those are just passing thoughts or sweet recollections. It sounds like your thoughts are entirely focused on your first child and are negative.

Your new baby is precious and needs to have a close bond with you so please seek out some help. Mazal tov on the baby and good luck Smile

tryinghard

Thu, May 19 2016, 8:19 pm

It sounds like you not only have PPD, but that your previous bout could have been handled better. I would suggest speaking to someone (even just your OB) about medication. I had PPD and was in denial about it, but when I finally went on meds, it made such a huge difference in my life. You aren't committing to a lifetime on medication, just something temporary to help you normalize.

justforfun87

Thu, May 19 2016, 10:45 pm

I can't speak to the ppd portion but I can very much relate to the "grieving process" of not just having one child anymore. I felt so distant from and missed my elder terribly. He was almost three when baby was born and detached himself from me. It was a good few weeks/months before we were back to our lovely relationship. I also did not bond with my second for a while, it takes time.

amother

Ginger

Thu, May 19 2016, 10:47 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

Thank u!! Feeling a little more normal

amother

Coffee

Thu, May 19 2016, 10:53 pm

sourstix wrote:

When you are struggling with PPD the last thing you should do is separate from your new baby. Don't have a date night with your older child.

Include your older child in your relationship with the baby. Help her participate.

Give the baby massages while the baby wears just a diaper. Studies in the UK show that it helps as much as meds.

Have skin to skin contact on your chest.

It sometimes takes time, especially if you had a medicated birth, but it does happen and you do bond and you will be a great mother to both of your children.

Don't be afraid or embarrassed to tell your DH or your Dr if it's too much for you to be alone with your kids and your thoughts. That's very normal.

PPD and Post Partum Psychosis survivor here.

flowerpower

Thu, May 19 2016, 11:09 pm

The others may be onto something. It does seem a bit like anxiety and depression. Focus on bonding with the baby. Most say that going from one to two kids is a huge adjustment. You dd doesn't need you to spend every moment with her. She doesn't need a date. As long as she knows you're there she will be fine. Let her play near you while you nurse. She can "feed" her baby while you feed yours. It does sound a bit interesting that you described her as a best friend. Perhaps you were too much into her?

amother

Coffee

Fri, May 20 2016, 12:31 am

You need to make your husband your best friend. Your daughter needs to leave you and have her own life eventually, but your husband needs to stay with you always. You should want to date your husband, not your daughter. It's not necessarily anyone's fault if it's not there right now, but you need to get there.

Are you getting along with your DH right now? Is he being understanding of this?

amother

Chocolate

Fri, May 20 2016, 7:17 am

I did not have PPD, nor did I have such intense feelings for child #1. I did have some hormonal feelings of resentment of child #2 that she was interfering with my relationship with child #1. This was a complete shock to me because with child #1, it was "love at first sight." I felt terrible about it- child #2 was a sweet innocent beautiful baby who deserved better. It took a few weeks, but I did bond with her. She is a teen now and we have a great relationship. Since you had PPD and anxiety, I think you should talk to someone.

Fri, May 20 2016, 7:44 am

...nor is it okay that you feel soo anxious about your daughter's going to school. It's important and normal to do so the first few days until things settle with the process of going away from home and with attending a school setting for the first time. It is not okay to continue feeling this way for more than, I guess a month or so. I don't know what the underlying cause for the strong bond with your older child is, but having a second child doesn't need to get in the way. People bond with many children and have no problem doing so. Child #1 can and should be a part of caring for child #2 in a way that she can; for example taking dirty diapers to the garbage, attending bathing the baby. What I loved was to have the bigger kid stand close by when I bathed baby and told a story that goes like this. Once upon a time, I had a teeny weenie baby called. .. (child #1's name ). I put her in the bath just like this. I washed her arms just like this.... and said everything I do.

My point is that people find ways to make it work one way or another. Think about what it is that you can do to have both children involved in anything.

Also, how old is your baby? How long is your older child going to school? All of this matters because the more stressful you are, the more difficult it is to deal with it, especially if you still are in the postpartum phase .

myym

Fri, May 20 2016, 10:49 am

Mazal tov on your new baby. I wanted to also suggest to look into the ppd aspect. Being that you've had it before and what you're saying fits the concern as well, I would address it. It doesn't make you in any way an "abnormal" person. Its simply your hormones out of whack from pregnancy and birth. Please speak to your ob for a reccomendation.

greenfire

Fri, May 20 2016, 1:00 pm

my feel is that you are overwhelmed & too emotional - hormones decrease so rapidly after childbirth that it can cause temporary depression

you should not feel your little daughter is your best friend [not even any aged daughter should be your best friend]

there's a way to involve her in your taking care of the baby ... and you can pay attention with stories and bathtime to older child - it'll be okay