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Getting Used to Gan



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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 4:00 am
My son is about 22 months. He has basically never been out of my care, aside from a few hours at a time with my husband or mother. Now he has a baby brother and I have work (from home) and I really want him to start gan. I've been hearing "They all cry 1-2 weeks and then are fine." He went 2 days, then took a week off because he got really sick. Both days were 2-3 hours each. Morah said he cried on-and-off the whole time. I got him a backpack he loves and plan on getting some exciting snacks for him, but he gets so hysterical when I leave and I feel awful. He has a pretty intense personality and lately really wants things his way. Any advice or experience you can share? Will he really be fine if we just keep doing this for a week or 2? It's a small gan and the other kids seem to like it. I really want to have him there so I can get everything done in the morning and focus on him in the afternoon. (Gan is about 9-1.)
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 4:08 am
My granddaughter needed to start gan at 18 months due to an emergency.
She was miserable for 3 weeks. Anytime we would pick her up she'd be crying.
With my own kids I never had that since they were older.
After 3 weeks she was happier & after 8 weeks she doesn't want to leave.
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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 4:23 am
Culturedpearls wrote:
My granddaughter needed to start gan at 18 months due to an emergency.
She was miserable for 3 weeks. Anytime we would pick her up she'd be crying.
With my own kids I never had that since they were older.
After 3 weeks she was happier & after 8 weeks she doesn't want to leave.


So looking back do you think it was fine for her, given the result? I really feel like I'm messing up my son. He just looks so scared and vulnerable, I want to cry. It's like he's learning I can take him somewhere, shut the door, and leave, and there's nothing he can do but scream and cry. I so so so much want him to just happily go and enjoy!
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 5:00 am
amother wrote:
So looking back do you think it was fine for her, given the result? I really feel like I'm messing up my son. He just looks so scared and vulnerable, I want to cry. It's like he's learning I can take him somewhere, shut the door, and leave, and there's nothing he can do but scream and cry. I so so so much want him to just happily go and enjoy!


Yes , she's really settled & happy. Really involved. Learns so much . She couldn't be so stimulated at home.
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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 5:09 am
Culturedpearls wrote:
Yes , she's really settled & happy. Really involved. Learns so much . She couldn't be so stimulated at home.


I'm really glad to hear that, thank you! Do you think there was anything you or they could have done to make the transition easier/faster? I'm thinking it might actually be good for my son to learn he is not and cannot always be in control, both from a chinuch perspective and from a psychological one. I really hope it works out well for him!
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Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 5:18 am
amother wrote:
I'm really glad to hear that, thank you! Do you think there was anything you or they could have done to make the transition easier/faster? I'm thinking it might actually be good for my son to learn he is not and cannot always be in control, both from a chinuch perspective and from a psychological one. I really hope it works out well for him!


The gan designated one morah for her to bond with in the beginning . This morah was the one to hold her when she was dropped off, when she cried etc. and believe me in the beginning she cried all day on & off!
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Smile1234




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 5:37 am
amother wrote:
So looking back do you think it was fine for her, given the result? I really feel like I'm messing up my son. He just looks so scared and vulnerable, I want to cry. It's like he's learning I can take him somewhere, shut the door, and leave, and there's nothing he can do but scream and cry. I so so so much want him to just happily go and enjoy!


And he is also learning the very valuable lesson that mommy always (be'zh) comes back.
Its hard to see our kids cry, but its really okay for him. Don't worry, he'll be fine!
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 10:22 am
So when my daughter was 18 months, we put her in daycare. She seemed like the perfect candidate - no separation anxiety, very outgoing, very verbal. She was horribly miserable. It wasn't just the crying. She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. She wouldn't play with the other kids. She wouldn't let any of the caregivers hold her or hug her. She would just sit on the side with one book or toy and not let anyone come near hear. All the other kids (and parents) were super happy, so it wasn't like something bad was going on there. Everyone said 'let her be miserable for 2-3 weeks and she'll get over it'. NO WAY. After a week, I pulled her out. I kept her home with me for a week or two to help her recover from the 'trauma'. I then moved her to a different gan - she cried a bit the first 3 days (but really, just when I left, not all day) and then after only 3 days she was totally fine - didn't want to go home at the end of the day. So it's not always just the kid's personality, it's also sometimes whether they click with where they are and who they are with. You have to trust your gut about whether your son is really okay or not. I regret not pulling my child out of the first framework faster - my gut said yes, but everyone else said wait.

So what's the moral of the story?
1) If you're kid is crying but is also participating to some extent and can accept some love/care from the caregivers, then it's okay to give it 2-3 weeks to see if they adjust. If you're kid is refusing love/care and will not engage at all, get your kid out right away because 2-3 weeks is not okay (I regret even waiting 1 whole week) because they are really suffering. My daughter actually seemed to be traumatized, although nothing actually traumatic happened (yes, we're sure). It took until chanuka to build her self-confidence and independence back up after just one week in a place she couldn't deal with.
2) Check your kid's behavior at home / outside of gan. If your kid is totally fine at home, it's okay to give them extra time at gan to see if they adjust. If your kid seems to be really struggling at home or in other environments too suddenly, you may want to think about whether to move them or not. It's okay if they seem a bit insecure, but more than that should be a red flag. My daughter overall seemed suddenly to lack confidence and independence even when at home or in familiar places. Just going to her grandparents (and they live nearby so we went all the time and she knew them and their house) would suddenly cause a meltdown, even if I was there with her. She couldn't handle going anywhere without panicking, even with both my husband and I. So that was a major red flag for me.
3) One kid's normal is another kid's abnormal. Everyone told me my kid's behavior was in the range of normal for a first week away from me. But for my kid, even crying more than 15 minutes was abnormal. Because my daughter was so confident, outgoing, and couldn't care less if I left her at home with a babysitter and left, her behavior at gan was super abnormal. My niece, who is extremely shy, anxious, quiet, and clingy, was also like my daughter at at the beginning of her gan, but for her it really was within the range of her normal and she adjusted just fine. So don't let anyone tell you your kid's behavior is normal if you think it's really abnormal. I knew after 2 days that my daughter's behavior was very abnormal for her, and who cares if for my niece that was normal? My kid was clearly having a serious problem. Trust your own knowledge of your kid.
3) Sometimes, a kid can seem miserable in one framework, but if you move them, they are really happy. This is kind of hard to gauge, but trust your intuition. This was a real surprise with my daughter, how quickly she adjusted to the second place. I know lots of stories like this. I have a friend who's under 2 year old daughter wouldn't eat for 2 weeks in gan, but otherwise was okay (she played and didn't even cry). The mom moved her to a different gan of the same size and the daughter started eating right away.
4) Sometimes, you might need one-on-one or two-on-one. A private nanny, even when split with another family, can do wonders. I know, it's expensive, and also tricky if you work at home. Splitting it with another family can help both of those. But yeah, I know, it might not be possible for many people.

Overall, if your kid is behaving within the range of normal at gan and at home, give it time. If not, it doesn't necessarily mean your kid isn't ready for gan, and I strongly recommend moving your kid. If he has a really hard time in different frameworks, he might not be ready overall. But trust your own intuition - you know your son best and you can figure out what he needs. In the long run, he should be just fine!
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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 3:22 pm
Thank you, everyone. Davening this week should go well!
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Shuly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 3:30 pm
Has your husband tried dropping him off? My kids only cried when I brought them. If my husband brought them, they were fine. After a week or two, I was able to start bringing them.
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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 3:43 pm
Shuly wrote:
Has your husband tried dropping him off? My kids only cried when I brought them. If my husband brought them, they were fine. After a week or two, I was able to start bringing them.


Thought of that. I think it would be worse- and he probably just wouldn't leave him if he were crying. But thanks for the advice.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 3:45 pm
I hope you don't live in Israel. There is serious safety issues at the babysitters there.

My personal belief is that kids who cannot be verbal about their feelings need you to protect them much more. You must find a solution that he can be happy with. A babysitter at home while you are there can be a good option. So can a babysitter for only your son and one other kid. 2 is very young to be separated from a parent, and that is not a bad thing, just normal and healthy attachment! I do not believe that leaving your child to cry and coming back teaches them to "know you will always come back." I believe it teaches him that mommy doesn't mind him being in pain, but eventually, in some unknown long time she will probably return.

My child was hysterical at drop off for a long time, probably two months. It wasn't until he was there for an entire year that he learned to talk and told me that "the morah's tatty put a knife in his tushy."

Granted, abuse is unlikely with a female morah in America.
Even so, a child's tears are his ways of saying, "no mommy, I am scared, help me."

If you must sent him to a playgroup, I suggest going with him the entire day for the first week. Then start weaning off--two hours, one hour, 15 minutes. It could be you will have to stay with him 15 minutes forever--as long as he goes there. That is fine as long as he leave ready and happy. Leaving an unsettled kid makes them feel unloved, that their feelings don't matter, that you can't protect them.

Can kids be normal without this philosophy? For sure. Is it wise? You tell me.
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amother
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Post Sun, May 22 2016, 4:36 pm
amother wrote:
If you must sent him to a playgroup, I suggest going with him the entire day for the first week. Then start weaning off--two hours, one hour, 15 minutes. It could be you will have to stay with him 15 minutes forever--as long as he goes there. That is fine as long as he leave ready and happy. Leaving an unsettled kid makes them feel unloved, that their feelings don't matter, that you can't protect them.


I tend to agree with your last statement, but I think to a lesser degree. But that's why I feel so guilty here. Has anyone done this weaning off thing- staying less each day or whatever- and found it to be successful in transitioning with much less tears? I kind of don't want to drag out the whole thing if not necessary and possibly not even helpful.
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PassionFruit




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 22 2016, 5:07 pm
Yes I did this with my 4 year old who was going to school for the first time. His morah actually suggested this for all children starting school--to start on a wednesday, be with the child all day the first two days. Then on Friday, leave a little early. Have the weekend off, and from Monday, start leaving earlier and earlier. By wednesday, they are able to stay themselves. My child was terrified of leaving me, but with this gentle, slow approach, there were no tears and he was really ready with every step we took.
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