Rabbi Shais Taub Ami column on internet addiction

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amother

Tan

Mon, May 23 2016, 6:10 pm

So. . .just got around to reading the article. I've liked his previous articles etc on addiction but I didn't love this one so much.

Was wondering what everyone else thought. . . interested in anyone/everyone's opinion but if you have personal experience, please mention that. . .

sourstix

Mon, May 23 2016, 6:12 pm

didnt read it but I have watched a youtube video of him talking about addiction and it was a bunch of baloney. he has zero knowledge of it. he should stick to what he knows best. hes a rabbi and not a psychiatrist.

amother

cornflower

Mon, May 23 2016, 6:26 pm

This sounds interesting. I stopped getting the Ami a short while back, is there a way you can summarize or upload a pic of it?

amother

Vermilion

Mon, May 23 2016, 6:59 pm

Please post the article. I am curious what he has to say.

- Wife of an SA

amother

Ivory

Mon, May 23 2016, 7:00 pm

He may not be a psychiatrist but he wrote a bestseller on addiction and has helped hundreds of addicts.
And I happened to have loved tht article, especially the marshal in the beginning. He always cuts to the core of the problem instead of rushing with solutions.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, May 23 2016, 7:10 pm

amother wrote:

So what did he say?

amother

Oak

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:05 pm

He said to deal with the issue instead of all the problems that come because of the issue. He said instead to killing mice and continuing to kill mice cuz they keep coming, close the hole, the void in the person that is making them do these things. He said he is not saying Internet is not an issue and it has to be dealt with but the main point is to deal with the hole (emptiness) so there's no way of "mice" (addictions, internet etc) can seep in. I happen to be a big fan of his and love all his articles especially this one. Sorry for whoever has negative feedback maybe you don't understand him or see this in real life so you just dont get it

amother

Tan

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

Okay, yes, he gave a very nice long mashal in the beginning but didn't take it anywhere (ie how do they close the hole?). He didn't even suggest going to a therapist who specializes in addiction (which basically should have been the first solution this woman needed). He then proceeded to make some (too much) of the issue about her and her difficulty with confrontation and dealing with issues. Really?!!? So it's her fault/responsibility/issue now?

There was nothing practical and helpful in the response at all.

Oh and I read and enjoyed his book for the most part which I guess is partially why I was so surprised by his response now.

amother

Oak

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:34 pm

He wasn't making it her issue. He said that she has no control on his "hole" and how he deals with it. He said she can use this, just as any challenge we are given, to work on herself and deal with her own issues, which she wrote about in her question. Bottom line is she cannot control him or what he does but she can use this challenge to grow and learn to deal with this and other challenges that come her way instead of worrying about what he's watching. I think it was brilliant and gave her positive "homework" to help her understand the issue and keep herslef sane

oliveoil

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:41 pm

sourstix wrote:

oy. when people with comprehension issues just say things are "baloney"...
It's one of my pet peeves.

He is not "just a rabbi". He very much knows what he's talking about in this arena. He is an addictions specialist.

amother

Oak

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:45 pm

Oluve oil thanks for agreeing! Curious what those ppl who say he's balony would have said to the writer- prob get divorced and don't think of going back to sucj a crazy guy. All of a sudden he qould turn into a relations addict and everyone would yell at her to leave. Ra bi taub in the other hand, gave her helpful advice and ideas to do the right thing with her challenge.

amother

Ivory

Mon, May 23 2016, 8:53 pm

He also said in beginning of article tht he'd addressed addiction of this sort before and wouldn't repeat most of it... Also the woman specifically asked him to address her conftontation issue also which was why he did.

amother

Linen

Mon, May 23 2016, 9:01 pm

I think he first emails the writer of the letter a separate response, which probably includes a lot of information and details that he is not allowed to publish for the general public (By the publisher or Halachic authorities). He has a difficult role to play, not to cross the line that can be interpreted as controversial by his readership.
I am personally amazed at his responses, including this one.

amother

Tan

Tue, May 24 2016, 8:12 am

here's the article

http://I.imgur.com/lRC1Tb9.jpg

http://I.imgur.com/6h9wmL8.jpg

http://I.imgur.com/pGtcTcp.jpg

http://I.imgur.com/w6EdJQv.jpg

amother

Vermilion

Tue, May 24 2016, 9:11 am

In other words, dear letter writer, please come join your sisters in s-anon.

But whatever you do, if you suspect more than just looking, set up boundaries to stay physically safe.

Thanks for posting the article.

amother

Navy

Tue, May 24 2016, 11:31 am

Ok, this article is awful. I can't imagine how this gives clarity to anyone. He is vague, talks in metaphors, and does not have one piece of evidenced based direct advice. So invalidating to this poor woman. I imagine that she came away with the feeling that her problem can be solved by turning to hashem, which is ridiculous. She is caught in the web of addiction, which is a disease, not a spiritual problem. Of course there are spiritual effects, but it is a real disease. She needs evidenced based appropriate treatment as hishtadlus, and at the same time to turn to hashem, just like with any other mental health issue. He also seems to have no idea about the trauma model for partners, so he is doing a great job of retraumatizing the wife. He also spends a good portion of time discussing himself and his lecturing and popularity. I have seen this in other articles of his, and I wonder about that? He Also makes no mention to her responsibility and right to establish boundaries and protect herself. That should be her number one priority,a nd yes, she has a right to insist on him working a program. Forget about all this mice and holes stupidity.
As the wife of an SA, it is articles and people like this that make us feel so invalidated and alone.

amother

Tan

Tue, May 24 2016, 11:55 am

amother wrote:

finally someone who agrees with me! I'm wondering if all/any of the other people who responded that it's a great and helpful article have personal experience with this kind of thing? (I'm another SA wife and also found the article vague with nothing helpful in it as well as some harmful "advice" about her issue of being non confrontational being a huge part of the problem-and yes, he did say that).

amother

Navy

Tue, May 24 2016, 12:28 pm

[quote="amother"]finally someone who agrees with me! I'm wondering if all/any of the other people who responded that it's a great and helpful article have personal experience with this kind of thing? (I'm another SA wife and also found the article vague with nothing helpful in it as well as some harmful "advice" about her issue of being non confrontational being a huge part of the problem-and yes, he did say that).[/quotation

amother

Vermilion

Tue, May 24 2016, 12:31 pm

amother wrote:

I agree that it's very vague.

He sends her for support, though, and from there we ladies usually take over.

I am also annoyed by the lack of a clear statement to "go to therapy and stay safe".

amother

Tan

Tue, May 24 2016, 12:32 pm

amother wrote:

I would be very surprised if any of the "likes" came from anyone with any SA experience. And her "issue" of non - confrontation is a load of BS. How about compliment her for trying to live with an addict for years being lied to and gaslit and still being able to function and be sane? How about stop blaming the victims? I am really hating this man right now so I will stop. What bothers me the most is him calling himself an addictions specialist. He knows nothing and should stay out of it.

He actually DOES have experience working with addictions I believe (although perhaps no formal training) and I read his book and it's not bad! It was just this article I took offense from.

I think one amother upthread (I forget which) who thought it was a good article said she has experience with addictions.

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