Babysitter's Husband Assists with Childcare

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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Chayalle

Tue, May 24 2016, 10:34 pm

For those of you who are uncomfortable with husband around, will you have the same "rule" when your child wants to arrange playdates? Are you only going to allow if the husband is not home?

good luck to your child's social life.....

If someone wouldn't send their kid to my home because they don't trust my DH, I'd be wary of those people and think them paranoid.....

SRB

Tue, May 24 2016, 10:46 pm

I'm a SAHM and my DH works from home most of the time. I have a toddler home with me and a couple days a week watch a friend's toddler DD. My DH only helps when I need relief to go to the bathroom or take friend's DD to the potty, so then DH watches our DS. He sometimes will help if I need help bringing a stroller up stairs or both kids upstairs. Basically he's my back up for short periods of time. He is friendly to friends DD - she is in our house but mostly he's in a different room working. I never thought to bring it up with my friend since I'm the main caregiver and she never asked about it, her DD LOVES coming to us...

I'm wondering if I should just bring up the topic with my friend - just to be open as she may not want to bring it up as it would look like she is suspicious.

cnc

Tue, May 24 2016, 10:58 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm actually extremely cautious when sending my children for play dates as well. I do not send them to people unless I know the parents well.

At the risk of outing myself I will tell you this. One of my children at a point had TWO classmates (the entire class had less than 20 kids) where the fathers were molesters
.
Also on a different thread Chayalle , I think you mentioned that it's important for children to have a social life and you should empower them as opposed to not letting them have a life.(I hope I'm paraphrasing you correctly) I agreed with your point very much. But here we are talking about two year olds, not about teenagers that can be taught how to empower themselves.

There was an incident in Lakewood a few years ago where a playgroup morah's husband was found to be molesting the children.

I'm rethinking this and I'm not so sure that I'm overly paranoid.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, May 25 2016, 12:13 am

cnc wrote:

Please do not spread false rumors. He was actual found not to have molesting students.

amother

Cerise

Wed, May 25 2016, 12:13 am

I dont think I would be so happy if hte babysitters husband was an assistant. Not quite sure why, it just doesnt feel right.

I know this will sound really strange, but I am a playgroup Morah and yet I would never send to any playgroup , only to a real preschool which is licensed etc and has a lot of people working there. Why? becasue I can see all the things that could potentially go wrong in a playgroup. Yes, I am CPR trained and am qualified, but it is almost impossible sometimes to find a substitute who is appropriately qualified. When I write instructions for my sub when I am sick, I write copious note about safety precautions, our playgorup rules etc.
Yes, I trust myself and my own safety standards, adn I am grateful that many people trust me too. But my standards are almost over the top cautious, and the same with hygiene, that I worry that nobody else can do an adequate job.
Last week I had a sub, I had wrtiten on the instructions that before snack time they must wash hands with soap, so I heard (from upstairs) that she was telling the kids to go to the table without washing their hands for snack time. I was on the verge of going down to remind her that they must wash hands when I heard one of my little cuties, a two year old, tell her 'Morah always makes us wash hands first'. I heard her sigh, and say 'okaaaaay' as if she couldnt really be bothered...
so anyways, I now know which sub not to hire again...
whatever the case, it just isnt straightforward. I know that my playgroup parents are trusting me to find substitutes who uphold my safety and hygiene values, and it is so hard to find somebody good....

amother

Cyan

Wed, May 25 2016, 1:15 am

amother wrote:

Please do not spread false rumors. He was actual found not to have molesting students.

He actually did molest the kids.? They had to move out of their neighborhood and sell their house.
This story was a big eye opener for people. There was no bathroom in the classroom and the kids had to go upstairs to the bathroom and of course the husband was home. He had free reign to do what he wanted with the kids because no one was watching.

Bh the kids were only three and got therapy right away the parents were really proactive.

But yes after this story it's really important to ask such questions like who else is home during the day.

DrMom

Wed, May 25 2016, 1:21 am

amother wrote:

but why is he home?
is he retired and helps out a little bit?
is he 30 and sits around all day doing nothing?

if it was something that was discussed up front, and everyone knew the expectations (would he help, would he be left alone with the kids, would he take kids out)
and the babysitter and her husband make a nice team, than great, why not.

but if he's like 30 and not doing anything, idk but that bothers me.

my great aunt turned her basement into a licensed play group and rented it out for many years as a play group and I remember so clearly how my great uncle (who was probably 65) used to love to see the little kids, and he would help watch them outside a little, help a kid tie his shoe...that sort of stuff.

Maybe he works from home.
Maybe he is a student without a "normal" 9-5 schedule.
Maybe he works evenings.
Maybe he has a job which requires an irregular schedule.

Why should you be bothered by a man living in his own home?

Again, as long as the person running the childcare center is upfront about the arrangement, I think it is ludicrous to assume this guy is some sort of pervert just because he is present *in his own home* during daylight hours. Vet him the same way you would vet her.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, May 25 2016, 1:39 am

I have a daycare in my home, and my husband who works as a freelancer spends most of his day working from home. There have been many times (during pregnancy etc.) that I've needed him to come help out for a bit, and he did so willingly. The parents even saw him helping out if we were outside, and he was there. The only thing I told him he must NEVER do is wipe the children in the bathroom, 'cuz in this day and age everyone is accused of being a molester...

amother

Cerulean

Wed, May 25 2016, 9:00 am

amother wrote:

He actually was almost never home. Had a full time job. If you followed the story through, you would know that eventually, the rabbanim eventually apologized to them, albeit quietly. He tried to take them to bais din over it. He actually kept saying, take it to the police, but they knew they had no case. It even seems that not only was he not the culprit, it seems there wasn't real evidence that the child was molested at all, baruch hashem. Yes he and his wife was forced to leave a development that after hearing a half baked accusation, tried him in the court of public opinion and harassed them till they left. The mother that did the accusing was a paranoid woman who had told relatives and friends that she had a "feeling" that one of her kids were going to be molested that year. Her 2/3 year old started being aware of his/her body and privacy as many children that age do, went to the pediatrician who told her he during convo, anything is possible. She jumped to conclude child was molested, and who else could it be but the morah's husband because as we all know, it's usually the morahs husband or the Rebbi that is the molester. (Couldn't be the father ch"v) The rabbis handled it terribly, calling the morahs father the day of the accusation telling him to pick up his daughter and grandchildren. (Thank G-d he's normal and stayed calm and checked out the facts) they made an asifa before investigating properly and the whole neighborhood turned on them, (And her assistant, yes she had one). He was not given opportunity to defend himself which was why he called them to bais din. Ironically, since they were embarrassed, they tried to hush up the story, but he wanted to clear his name and was relatively successful. Anyone I met who followed the story through, does not think he is guilty, and anyone who only heard about the initial accusation and the first few weeks might believe it.
The point is, you can't let the fear take over your life. Then you can make bad judgement calls and ruin someone's life like the mother in the previous story.
I also prevented someone from doing the same thing a few years ago (not in Lakewood). Her son was in a daycare for 2 years and loved his morah. When summer time came, she decided to give him a change of scenery and sent him to a knew morah. He did not like the new morah and was miserable. A week in, instead of either sticking it out and seeing if he would warm up to her, or taking him out because out wasn't working out. She decided that the only reason he could be unhappy was if he was being abused. She was going to report it but thank god we were able to talk her out of it. Now, a few years later she is back to making false accusations. What a surprise.

SRS

Wed, May 25 2016, 9:17 am

To the that only send to people she knows well, I think you are buying yourself false security. Molestation is most often perpetrated by people well known to the victim and is a crime of opportunity. I'm as nervous about anyone. If a father of one of my kid's friends was to take an uncanny interest my kid, I'd be nervous. But a normal husband that is happy to help her wife out during a playdate by keeping an eye on the kids, isn't someone that worries me.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, May 25 2016, 9:28 am

I wonder to what extent people are concerned about safety versus discomfort with nontraditional gender roles. I don't see people complaining when the childcare provider has female relatives helping out.

My BIL was unemployed for a spell and his wife ran a daycare. He never ever helped out even when his wife was sick. I used to wonder why but I guess this explains it.

glamourmom

Wed, May 25 2016, 9:29 am

chayalle, you have a great point. we all want our children to have a great social life. but do we want that at the expense of their safety, physical and emotional?? I'm not sure I'm willing to take the risk. actually, I'm not. and yes I am very wary when sending for a play date and yes I am paranoid. I hope to work it out so by the time my kids are big enough I'll have some system in place.
no one is saying that a man hanging out at home around children IS an offender, were saying to be wary, look into it and use your mothers heart and binah yeseira to make your ultimate decision.

cnc

Wed, May 25 2016, 9:29 am

SRS wrote:

You're right. I hear your point, but I will still not send my children to play by random people that I don't know well. (Molestation is not the only issue.)

amother

Cyan

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:16 am

Amother that is defending the Lakewood molester please stop you
Must be related to him but I personally know the victims they are all eleven now and bh doing fine. But no the molester wasn't kicked out of the area for no reason.

And yes he did what was claimed and it was impressive that the rabbobim didn't back down even though his is father is very powerful in Lakewood.

So please stop defending molesters.

And ask any neighbor he was always home. And wife was negligent always sending kids upstairs alone.

amother

Cyan

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:22 am

Another point it was three families who made complaints against him not one. They brought in a special therapist from Brooklyn specializing for kids. And yes the doctor confirmed the story because what the kids said about the husband is despicable. Please don't distort facts and defend a molester. No one leaves town if they are innocent and you are harming these children more by saying that it's not true.

The mother who spoke to the doctor is such a normal good mother please don't make her into a crazy person because she defended her child.

Chayalle

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:30 am

cnc wrote:

I completely agree with you about sending children to people you know and trust, and I'm the same way. But my point was about men not being less trustworthy than women. There's no reason to suspect every man of being a molester, to the point that we won't send our kids if they are home. Instead, we check out the whole situation.

I'm the type that if DD wants to go to someone's house, I have to know who they are, at least somewhat. Like, a classmate has the same surname as a close friend of mine, turns out their husbands are cousins, and mother's sister was in seminary with me... Okay, we're in my comfort zone. Another classmate is the youngest in her family, and her married sister is my neighbor, I've met the parents, etc..so we're good. But someone I don't know from beans....I redirect, and say how about we call so-and-so.

And about playgroups, I have a playgroup rule I'm happy to share: I only send to playgroups that have two Morahs, and they have to not be related. No mother/daughter teams, no sister teams. No single Morah. On top of that, years ago I used to run every Morah's name by Ziva Kriger A"H (she was a close friend of mine). There were Morahs she nixed, and I did not need a reason.

Chayalle

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:40 am

glamourmom wrote:

Being paranoid also harms our kids emotionally. Of course we should take steps to ensure their safety, and I also check to see if the people I sent my kids to are people I'm comfortable with. Beyond that, though, I'm not going to hold my kids back. I do my best to empower them and leave the rest in Hashem's hands.

I remember when my oldest started high school she befriended a certain girl. The girl's family goes to the country for the summer, and they invited DD for Shabbos (on a Shabbos that her brothers were being away, which made me more comfortable) and arranged a ride for her. Still, I didn't know them...so made a few calls: Former neighbor of mine who goes to the same colony....cousin who's married to her cousin...and when all concurred they are nice, normal people, I gave my okay. DD had a lovely time.

But I'm not going to say no to a Shabbos at a friend, which is a normal thing for a 15 year old to do, just because molesters exist out there.

glamourmom

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:40 am

I sincerely want to know and am asking with utmost respect: how does it help if you sort of know someone? how does it indicate to you that you can send your child to their home?

my kids are young, under 6. right now it's not a matter of holding them back or stifling them. they play outside or with friends but I'm always around. I'm desperate for a mentality to adapt to make my children happy and socialable and myself calm(er).

Last edited by glamourmom on Wed, May 25 2016, 10:43 am; edited 1 time in total

dancingqueen

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:42 am

Maybe I'm paranoid from reading too many imamother threads about molestation but I wouldn't like it either op.

Btw there is a huge difference to me between a 15 yo and a helpless baby or 2 yo.

Last edited by dancingqueen on Wed, May 25 2016, 10:43 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Wheat

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:42 am

wow chayalle just wow.
now I know why I am so unbelievably miserable in lkwd.
if I don't know you or you don't know my bil, mil, sil then you'll nix the playdate.
gawd, no wonder I hate it here.
its like if u aren't part of the gang, good luck to even getting a friggin' play date.
I was right all along. there isn't even a reason.
love u too hon

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