How do you deal with fighting?

amother

Salmon

Wed, May 25 2016, 6:41 pm

How do you teach children to work things out on their own or stand up for themselves in an acceptable way?
I hate getting involved in their fights bit don't know how to respond when they come crying to me(my kids cry very easily).
Sometimes I'll tell them to stay away from the child who's bothering them, sometimes I'll tell them what to say to that child, sometimes I'll just try to emphasize, but I feel like nothing works.
One child in particular is always upset that I do nothing to the child that hurt him, he is angry and wants me to "get back" at the other kid, punish him, etc. But I do have one child with anger and social issues who has a very hard time restraining himself and is always hurting and bothering the other kids. Yes we are trying to work on it. But I really don't know how to help the other kids become emotionally stronger. And even with regular fights between the other kids.

observer

Wed, May 25 2016, 10:27 pm

If it's a relatively even playing field, and I did not witness the offense, I give the child that comes to me a lot of sympathy and hugs. They are usually content with that. I try very hard not to put them against each other or reinforce tattling. If something needs to be dealt with with the other child, we do so privately. But not based on hearsay, unless it's a chronic issue.

chani8

Thu, May 26 2016, 5:13 am

You really need to get your hands on the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and for sure, Siblings Without Rivalry, for a good base on this issue.

And then I want to say, it sounds like your situation is extreme since you have one child with issues. In that case, it's more complicated and basic empathy for the victims isnt enough. And while advice to stay away from bullies is usually perfect, its not so practical when the bully purposely starts up with them for no reason.

I find it helpful to ask the victimized child how they want me to handle it. "What do you want me to do to get him to leave you alone?! I'm out of ideas." If they want you to hit him, then of course you can explain your no hitting policy. But if they want him punished, then ask them how you should punish him. In other words, talk it out, in length. Let the frustrated child become part of the problem solving team. Interestingly, the results I got were more like, "let him have his game boy/computer all day because then he's happy and leaves us alone." A sound enough solution if you ask me.

sourstix

Thu, May 26 2016, 9:41 am

It's important for u to know ur child and c what works
Children who bully should b stopped I don't know the age of ur child but that is a big factor
The bully has to know that if they do too much someone will step in and not allow it

sourstix

Thu, May 26 2016, 9:44 am

observer wrote:

Can u explain when u say not to put them against each other? Please give an example.