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Should I tell the mother about inappropriate behavior?
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:08 pm
DD had a playdate today with a kid who she's always telling me is a bully. In the past this girl has written on DD's backpack and jacket with a permanent marker, announced to the bus that DD peed her pants (when she hadn't, it was a lie) and other obnoxious behavior.

This kid's behavior was totally off the charts. She was so impulsive she reminded me of a 2 year old. She's 6.5 years old. In the span of 2 hours she:

-taunted my DD that she could see her underpants
-grabbed things without asking - like opening my cabinets and taking out stuff
-grabbed a scissor and announced she was going to cut the strap of my purse
-ate food off my DD's plate despite having her own food
-took off all her clothes except her underpants
-kept talking about tushy, peepee, booby constantly, like every ten minutes mentioned it
-taunted me that I have ice cream on my face (not that it bothered me lol)
-told me that she has a secret room in her house where people take off their clothes and underwear and show their boobies (???!!!)
-made messes on purpose - threw food, poured ice on the floor
-and in general seemed very self-involved, preening when I gave her compliments and positive reinforcement, and acting inappropriate a minute later when she wanted attention again

Her mom asked me if the playdate went ok and if she behaved and I just sort of fudged an answer and said it was fine. Should I have told her the truth? Can I assume she knows?
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dee's mommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:10 pm
If I were the child's mother, I would want to know. There are some things in here that have me very concerned.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:11 pm
amother wrote:
DD had a playdate today with a kid who she's always telling me is a bully. In the past this girl has written on DD's backpack and jacket with a permanent marker, announced to the bus that DD peed her pants (when she hadn't, it was a lie) and other obnoxious behavior.

This kid's behavior was totally off the charts. She was so impulsive she reminded me of a 2 year old. She's 6.5 years old. In the span of 2 hours she:

-taunted my DD that she could see her underpants
-grabbed things without asking - like opening my cabinets and taking out stuff
-grabbed a scissor and announced she was going to cut the strap of my purse
-ate food off my DD's plate despite having her own food
-took off all her clothes except her underpants
-kept talking about tushy, peepee, booby constantly, like every ten minutes mentioned it
-taunted me that I have ice cream on my face (not that it bothered me lol)
-told me that she has a secret room in her house where people take off their clothes and underwear and show their boobies (???!!!)
-made messes on purpose - threw food, poured ice on the floor
-and in general seemed very self-involved, preening when I gave her compliments and positive reinforcement, and acting inappropriate a minute later when she wanted attention again

Her mom asked me if the playdate went ok and if she behaved and I just sort of fudged an answer and said it was fine. Should I have told her the truth? Can I assume she knows?


Yes, tell her, and never make another play date with this hell-child again!!
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luckysunshine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:14 pm
Wow, that sounds incredibly concerning.

"-told me that she has a secret room in her house where people take off their clothes and underwear and show their boobies (???!!!) " - A typical 6.5 year old would not come up with such a statement. I'm not saying it's all 100% accurate, but hearing this from a young child would put up immediate red flags for me.
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luckysunshine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:15 pm
Forgot to add - yes, I would most definitely mention this to the girl's mother. Something is obviously not right here and the child could very possibly be in need of real help.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:22 pm
Yes the behavior was putting up a lot of red flags for me too. But DH is telling me that I should have told her right away and if I tell her now it'll be rude/awkward.

I don't know if this is an issue the mom is aware of (maybe adhd or something?) or if the girl is being abused...or if the mom just doesn't know how to handle/discipline her kids, and this is the effect of 6.5 years with no discipline. When the mom came to pick her DD up the girl totally ignored her own mother, refusing to leave, and the mom seemed sort of clueless about how to get her DD to cooperate.
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boysrus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:28 pm
Wow. What an awful playdate....
This is what I would do.
I would call her later this evening and say, 'Hi, you know when you came to pick up x, you asked me how it went. So anyways, I didnt really want to discuss it in front of our little girls, but it really didn't go so well. I really need to tell you about it....' Then mention everything that you said here in your post. That way you dont need to worry about it sounding weird that you didnt say anything earlier.

As a mother of a number of children bli ayin hara, I would want to know if that was my kid. I am also very concerned by the 'secret room' thingy.

please please calll her, it might be a difficult phone call, but I believe you really need to do it.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:31 pm
boysrus wrote:
Wow. What an awful playdate....
This is what I would do.
I would call her later this evening and say, 'Hi, you know when you came to pick up x, you asked me how it went. So anyways, I didnt really want to discuss it in front of our little girls, but it really didn't go so well. I really need to tell you about it....' Then mention everything that you said here in your post. That way you dont need to worry about it sounding weird that you didnt say anything earlier.

As a mother of a number of children bli ayin hara, I would want to know if that was my kid. I am also very concerned by the 'secret room' thingy.

please please calll her, it might be a difficult phone call, but I believe you really need to do it.


Perfect idea. I also agree that she needs to be called.
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luckysunshine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:32 pm
You can tell the mother that you thought it over and felt it was the right thing to do to let her know about some behaviors you observed during her daughter's visit. It may very well feel awkward, but you'll feel like you did the right thing for this child.
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shoshanim999




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 5:47 pm
I definitely would not tell the mother
Most people are blindly protective of their children and she might wonder what you did to trigger this awful behavior. Also, if the kid is so poorly behaved the mom already Knows. Bottom line is I don't see any practical upside to telling her and you might offend her by saying something. I would keep my mouth closed and not have the kid back.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 6:00 pm
If I really suspected abuse I think I might ask the school social worker to interview the child or at least observe her. Although it might be overreacting.

But if there is something off about the parents, telling them is the wrong thing to do.

Of course the social worker can't talk to you but she can listen to you. I would maybe say I had observed some strange behavior/conversation and maybe the social worker ought to talk to the teacher & look into it.

ETA: but maybe it's nothing like abuse. Maybe she just woke up & peeked in at her parents... or maybe they were watching videos.. so many possibilities. Does sound bizarre but might have a perfectly innocent explanation. The child's acting out could be from trauma but maybe she's just ADHD & needs an evaluation. For which nobody is going to thank you for suggesting it.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 6:16 pm
It's possible that the "secret room" is the bathroom and that her parents told her that's the only place it's appropriate to undress and/ or use bathroom words. Some kids that age get a kick out of being inappropriate. I can see parents saying that such language is only allowed in the bathroom.

So, while I'd be concerned and speak to the mom, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that there's abuse here.

But I wouldn't have the kid over again, and I wouldn't encourage a friendship, either.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 10:06 pm
amother wrote:
DD had a playdate today with a kid who she's always telling me is a bully. In the past this girl has written on DD's backpack and jacket with a permanent marker, announced to the bus that DD peed her pants (when she hadn't, it was a lie) and other obnoxious behavior.

Why did you agree to this playdate if you knew (at least this much) of her misbehavior ahead of time?
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 25 2016, 10:46 pm
I had a similar situation once, with a nine year old boy at a birthday party, and I didn't say anything to the mom. She knew about her son already and what am I going to say to make it better and not worse?

If you really suspect abuse, just call CPS. No need to chat with her about it.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 1:51 am
Her behavior fits ADHD to a tee. But, the part about that secret place in her house, that may change the picture totally. Because, abused children often behave like kids with ADHD.

Also, you need to know that mothers of abused children may know about the abuse but be in denial. And sometimes the mother is the abuser. So, talking to the mother may or may not solve anything. You should try to talk to her. But beware that she may 'check out' or get angry at you. Be gentle to her, but prepare yourself with bravery.

My guess is that she knows how her daughter behaves. It's the secret place in the house that she may or may not know about.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 2:09 am
5mom wrote:
It's possible that the "secret room" is the bathroom and that her parents told her that's the only place it's appropriate to undress and/ or use bathroom words. Some kids that age get a kick out of being inappropriate. I can see parents saying that such language is only allowed in the bathroom.

So, while I'd be concerned and speak to the mom, I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that there's abuse here.

But I wouldn't have the kid over again, and I wouldn't encourage a friendship, either.

What 6.5-year-old would describe their bathroom as a "secret room?"
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 2:12 am
DrMom wrote:
What 6.5-year-old would describe their bathroom as a "secret room?"

If she's trying to get a reaction, especially if she's gotten one before from this.
It could also be a red flag.
She does seem to have an imagination though.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 3:56 am
Op can u let us know what happens?
Very curious at moms reaction if u do end up telling her.

I personally think u should tell her, albeit gently as previously suggested.

That way u know u did your part and it's not like she didn't ask you. She did. It just wasn't the right time to talk to her in front of the kids.

The behaviour of this child sounds so out of control (even without the 'secret room'). I feel sorry for her teachers. she sounds like a nightmare.
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geulah papyrus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 4:07 am
I'm a public school teacher and in order to be licensed, I was required to take a course on child abuse. If one of my students said these things (specifically the secret room), I would be required to report this to my immediate supervisor as it could be a possible sign of abuse. That said, I'd tell the parent asap.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Thu, May 26 2016, 4:20 am
DrMom wrote:
Why did you agree to this playdate if you knew (at least this much) of her misbehavior ahead of time?


Two reasons. One, I didn't remember this when I agreed to the play date. *headdesk* Later DD told me it's the same girl. Two, I considered canceling after I found out it was the same girl, but thought maybe by befriending the girl she would be nicer to my DD instead of bothering her. It was worth a try.

I'm still undecided about telling the mom and posts here seem to swing both ways...and from what I saw of the moms behavior, it seems unlikely that she would handle the information well.
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