Should I tell the mother about inappropriate behavior?

amother

Papaya

Thu, May 26 2016, 7:26 am

I've thought of some other reasons for the secret room, like maybe her mom sells clothes in her house or maybe, to pull inspiration from another thread, she's a bodekes. Twisted Evil

It's possible she spends time with someone - neighbor, cousins, other kids at the babysitters house - who talk like this and she picks it up from them.

Another part of the puzzle - her mom works full time and she goes to a babysitter after school. Possibly something fishy happening at babysitter? Or this is just the result of a kid starved for attention who realized that the more outrageous she is the more attention she'll get.

groisamomma

Thu, May 26 2016, 7:51 am

geulah papyrus wrote:

I'm a public school teacher and in order to be licensed, I was required to take a course on child abuse. If one of my students said these things (specifically the secret room), I would be required to report this to my immediate supervisor as it could be a possible sign of abuse. That said, I'd tell the parent asap.

If the child is really being abused, telling the school guidance counselor will force them to look into the matter which means something will actually be done about it without you having to talk to the parents directly.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, May 26 2016, 9:13 am

I know a 7 year old who can behave and say things like this. Her mother would want to know. She's a creative kid who is very zezually stimulated: she knows her body and s exploratory. Her mother has to constantly remind her to behave tzniusly and doesn't ever allow her to play in an area with other children if she cannot be supervised. She talks to her daughter but privacy, and the child understands it, but still can behave and speak innappropriately none the less. The child has never been zezually abused or exposed to zezual stuff: some kids minds go that direction- my friend was like that as a kid and so was I... It's important for the parents to know. If you suspect that the parents are not normal and may harm the child then the situation is different.

musicmom

Thu, May 26 2016, 10:06 am

I think it is really positive that her mother wants to know how her behavior was.

It was positive of you to give her a second chance.

It is ackward to confront parents with less than desirable behavior about their children. How they respond to it has a lot to do with the type of people they are, and nothing to do with you. For example, if the mom is apologetic and will speak to her daughter, good. If she thinks it is no big deal or not her problem, or all kids do this, bad.

You can say that you are uncomfortable bringing this up, but put some thought into it and decided to have the conversation. Too often people speak without thinking, so the fact that you put some thought in the conversation is nothing horrible.

Good luck.

sourstix

Thu, May 26 2016, 10:15 am

Oh I hope this ends well hugs to u it's hard to be in this type of thing though u can ignore it she is still in your daughters class so she has an influence on your daughter especially that she's bothering her
I would speak to the school social worker it will only help the child if anything is going on and if not she needs help anyway
I don't think it's wise to tell this to the mother

myym

Thu, May 26 2016, 10:57 am

I think you should do something. I am not sure what but you defenitely should not ignore it. Clearly the child needs help. she may or may not be getting it. This is whether her behavior is do to adhd or abuse. It is possible that there is no one in her life who recognizes that she needs help. If you feel that the mother is all there and you know her to be a functioning with it woman I would speak with her. Just bec she doesn't know how to discipline her child doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't accept your words. But this is if you know the lady well.
If you don't then maybe find someone who does and speak to them. While some of you might think I am suggesting gossip, that is not it at all. I do feel this mother should do investigation letoeles to see what can be gleaned from the family situation. They might need help and they might be fine.
Certainly don't jump to any conclusions. But do try to do your best to get this kid help.

shaindy3

Thu, May 26 2016, 11:18 am

I would say that since she seems open to talking about this secret room, maybe you can do the investigating yourself.
Maybe have her come over again (I know it's difficult but maybe it's worth it to get to the bottom of this) and if she brings it up again try discussing it with her. It seems like she'll be open to give you all the details.

It may be hard to do this but it's definitely worth preventing years and years of horrible abuse.

amother

Papaya

Thu, May 26 2016, 11:20 am

How can I find out who the school social worker is? Does every school have a social worker?

Isn't it bad to go behind the mothers back like this? I would think that I should talk to the mom or say nothing at all. But to blow this up by involving the school is really overkill if there's nothing seriously wrong. On the other hand if something is wrong and I don't say something I'll live with the guilt forever. I can't decide.

The teachers spend 6 hours a day with this girl so it's really more than likely that the school is already aware of her acting out.

amother

Papaya

Thu, May 26 2016, 11:28 am

shaindy3 wrote:

I'm not going to do that. First of all because I can't have her over for 2 hours again, I couldn't take my eyes off her for a second because I was afraid she'd hurt herself or destroy something. She was constantly testing me to see how I'd react and while I handled it well I think (for example I made her clean up the messes she made) I was in shock for an hour after. A girl with the intelligence and strength of a 6 year old and the impulse control of a 2 year old is a lethal combination.

Second if I started the topic with her there'd be no way for me to tell if it was true or not. My DD who heard her say the story about the secret room was horrified and said "that's not true, right? You're making it up? It's not true?" And she agreed that it wasn't true and she did just make it up. Again, impossible to tell what she was really thinking, it looked like she realized she crossed a line.

And third DD told me she doesn't ever want to have her over again, because of the taunting.

cnc

Thu, May 26 2016, 11:30 am

shaindy3 wrote:

Do not try investigating her. If an investigation is warranted it's best left to professionals.

dr. pepper

Thu, May 26 2016, 12:00 pm

amother wrote:

I am so sorry you experienced this and are now in this quandary.
I would be horrified at someone going over a parent.
It's not right at all. I agree with your bolded statements.
I'm with the camp of telling her. How she reacts is not your issue (unless its a case where you know there's abuse and the abuse would get worse).
While I dont agree with people saying not to tell the mom, I am horrified by people saying not to tell her and to TELL SOMEONE ELSE in her place.

I know a friend in a somewhat similar situation who are unsure of how to proceed. In the end, she spoke to the community Rav and followed his advice ( I don't remember the advice, but I do remember her sense of relief with getting guidance...and not only from anonymous people on the internet Wink

)

Miri7

Thu, May 26 2016, 1:30 pm

My general rule of thumb when deciding what to share with the other parent is whether I would want to know. In this case, I would want to know. I generally don't "report" to the parent any behavior that's rude or annoying but generally age-appropriate. Here, there are a few very concerning things (the room, threatening to cut your purse?!), so I think you should call her and let her know.

I would call the mom and just tell her what her child said and did. Let her know that after the playdate you were just overwhelmed and needed some time to process everything before talking to her. Be very matter of fact and nonjudgmental. Say, I'm just letting you know because, if it were my child, I would want you to tell me.

Think of a few positive things you can say about the child so the mom doesn't feel so defensive. Say what a great job she did cleaning up, and that you can tell she's got a great heart with all that energy, or whatever.

And who knows, this mom may have some inkling of possible abuse, and the information you give her could be the "evidence" she needs to take her hunch seriously and find out what's going on. Then again, it could just be a child making things up to get attention. You never know.

FranticFrummie

Thu, May 26 2016, 1:51 pm

This girl is obviously in a lot of emotional pain. Normal kids just do not act like this!

If I were the mom, I would want to know. If the mom blows you off, then you need to see a rav right away and get some guidance.

I've had experience with two of my DD's friends who were acting out, and both times it was because of abuse. I was able to get the girls to open up to me because they knew me well, and I told them to tell an adult in charge, like the school counselor. Both girls were being abused by someone in their school. (different schools, different boys)

Both girls were being raised by their grandparents. I called the grandparents and told them what I'd heard from the girls. One grandmother denied the whole thing, and blamed DD for being a bad influence! The other grandmother acted immediately and resolved the situation, getting therapy for the girl.

The girl who's grandmother ignored me continues to act out. The girl who got help thanked me later, and is a delightful young lady. You can't always save everyone, but when it works out, you'll be so glad you took the chance and got involved. I can sleep at night, knowing I did whatever I could to help these girls.

groovy1224

Thu, May 26 2016, 2:44 pm

OP, I think you know what the right thing to do here is. It just stinks that you have to do it. It's hard- you were living your life, and now somehow you ended up in the middle of a situation you want to know nothing about.

But here's the thing. You DID end up in the middle of it, and you DO know about it. There's no escaping it now. The question is what are you supposed to do about it?

Let's eliminate what (I think) you should NOT do.

1)Ignore it. What happens if years down the line you hear that ch'v this girl was being abused? Lot of posters have given alternate theories for why she's behaving like this, and they may be true, but they may also not be. Children who are being abused don't walk around with signs on their heads saying "I'm being abused help me!" which unfortunately makes it very confusing for otherwise well meaning adults to reach out. No one wants to think it's happening to a child they know, but that does not absolve us of reponsibility to speak up if we think it may be happening

2)Speak to a social worker/CPS/teacher without first talking to the mother. I'm not saying you shouldn't do those things, but at the very least you should hear what the mother has to say about it before you go speak to someone else. She is the parent, and deserves to know what's going on behind the scenes with her child! (Unless you suspect she is the abuser, but you haven't indicated that)

That really only leaves one option- and that is to speak to the mom. Yes, it's extremely awkward, and she may not handle it very well. But you have to do your part. Call her up and say "Hey, so this is a little awkward for me, but I wanted to talk about some stuff that happened when little Susie came to play...." She may thank you (very unlikely), go on the defensive (somewhat likely), or rationalize (very likely). Try to frame it as positively as possible (e.g. I just see how you're such a great mom with her and I figured you'd want to know if someone thought something might be bothering her..") but don't poo-poo it away for her.

Sounds like your heart is in the right place- now you just have to bite the bullet and call. Good luck!

12rivkyk34

Thu, May 26 2016, 9:41 pm

I do think you should call the mother. The above poster who said you should just say that you didn't want to speak in front of the kiddies is right. I would want a parent to tell me such information
Calling a school guidance counselor behind a parents back without giving the parent a chance to react is wrong. I would be very upset if that was my kid.
The possibility that the child confused "private" room for "secret" room is strong. Young kids, especially one with probable adhd can confuse vocabulary like that. She may have been referring to the bathroom as you mentioned she enjoys taking off her clothing. Mom may have said "go to a private room before taking off your shirt as we don't need everyone to see your...in the bathroom it's private so it's ok"

justcallmeima

Thu, May 26 2016, 11:26 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, tell her, and never make another play date with this hell-child again!!

For crying out loud! Can't you see that this 6 YEAR OLD CHILD is crying out for help? She has a room in her house where people take off their clothes and show their boobies? What the hell do you think is going on with this child? She's 6 years old!!! She's suffering!! She's in pain!! She doesn't know how to get the help she so desperately needs!! She is not a HELL CHILD!!!!! My G'd. Have you no compassion?