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-> Moving/ Relocating
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amother
Scarlet
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 Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:08 am
We live in Brooklyn NY.
Dh hates it here. He hates the traffic, the noise, the overcrowded squish.
He feels like he can't be himself here, like people are always watching. When we mow our lawn at least five little boys and two adults watch from next door. It's not his imagination.
He wants to move to the suburbs somewhere with wide open spaces and a big property for half the price of our house here.
I love the idea of big wide open spaces too. But.
1) our kids are in a great school here.
2) we have a house here
3) were making enough income to support our family of four
4) all our extended family is here
But. Dh job is working for his fathers business and it's a toxic relationship. His father is a real piece of work. He initially agreed to work there because he wasn't finding a job somewhere else but at this point he's turned away job offers because he doesn't want to make things awkward, because he's afraid he won't earn enough to keep paying our mortgage, etc.
Basically, I think he's going to stay in this toxic work relationship for years unless we move far away. If we move to Monsey or NJ he'll just keep commuting in to this job.
I've looked into suburban options further out. Pennsylvania, Virginia etc. with the logic that they are a 6 hour drive or less so it's still doable to come back and visit family for special occasions. We'd be totally alone someplace else without any family. And going by the type of property he wants, we wouldn't be surrounded by neighbors. I'm afraid the kids would be isolated. Neither of us want a yeshivish type community like Baltimore which is a shame because it's closer.
This is a lot of information and I'm sure I've left some stuff out. The gist is, would you move if your dh was unhappy but everyone else was ok?
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:50 am
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freedomseek
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:59 am
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I think you might find out just how much happier everyone is when your dh/father is happy!
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:04 am
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I guess my concern is, what if I move and the kids or I will be miserable, due to the change, maybe the school won't be good, no friends, no family...would it really be such a simple decision? Our extended family will not take this lightly. They'll be devastated.
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amother
Ecru
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:05 am
| amother wrote: | We live in Brooklyn NY.
Dh hates it here. He hates the traffic, the noise, the overcrowded squish.
He feels like he can't be himself here, like people are always watching. When we mow our lawn at least five little boys and two adults watch from next door. It's not his imagination.
He wants to move to the suburbs somewhere with wide open spaces and a big property for half the price of our house here.
I love the idea of big wide open spaces too. But.
1) our kids are in a great school here.
2) we have a house here
3) were making enough income to support our family of four
4) all our extended family is here
But. Dh job is working for his fathers business and it's a toxic relationship. His father is a real piece of work. He initially agreed to work there because he wasn't finding a job somewhere else but at this point he's turned away job offers because he doesn't want to make things awkward, because he's afraid he won't earn enough to keep paying our mortgage, etc.
Basically, I think he's going to stay in this toxic work relationship for years unless we move far away. If we move to Monsey or NJ he'll just keep commuting in to this job.
I've looked into suburban options further out. Pennsylvania, Virginia etc. with the logic that they are a 6 hour drive or less so it's still doable to come back and visit family for special occasions. We'd be totally alone someplace else without any family. And going by the type of property he wants, we wouldn't be surrounded by neighbors. I'm afraid the kids would be isolated. Neither of us want a yeshivish type community like Baltimore which is a shame because it's closer.
This is a lot of information and I'm sure I've left some stuff out. The gist is, would you move if your dh was unhappy but everyone else was ok? |
Yes, I would move. Why not try to have everyone happy? And btw, Baltimore is not totally Yeshivish. It's very diverse. Not sure what you're looking for, but you may very we'll find it there.
Not so much space from your neighbors but I think it's good to have kids near that your kids can play with.
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tryinghard
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:08 am
| amother wrote: | | I guess my concern is, what if I move and the kids or I will be miserable, due to the change, maybe the school won't be good, no friends, no family...would it really be such a simple decision? Our extended family will not take this lightly. They'll be devastated. |
Go check out different communities. See how you feel when you actually know what you would be dealing with.
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sky
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:08 am
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when you live OOT the driving doesn't seem so difficult. For people in NY it seems much more difficult...
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amother
Mistyrose
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:21 am
we did it this past year. We moved from Northern NJ to the midwest. Both of our families live in the ny tristate area, we have no family where we moved...
We also already owned a house, my husband had a job, we didn't have any credit card debt... we knew that as kids got older tuition would be a big deal but finances were really not the main reason we moved at all.
We moved for the fresh air literally and figuratively- the quality of life.
I have one child in school and she is sooo much happier OOT. I told myself I'll do research and pick the community that I think will be the best fit. I'll give it at least 2 years. If I'm miserable we'll re-valuate. We had already been married a number of years. I was starting to not be happy where we lived either...My husband had always wanted to move OOT. I felt that it was only fair to give OOT a chance.
I admit that we didn't have "great" schools-the schooling was one of the reasons we left. That would have been hard for us to leave...
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:37 am
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Thanks everyone for the input. It really helps to have more perspectives on the situation.
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MamaBear
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:05 am
Will you be ok with a quieter lifestyle? If so, do it. Kids generally love a laid-back lifestyle and most (I am speaking from experience) adjust within a year. If you are still within a reasonable driving distance, you can still come in for long weekends, simchas etc And not living so close to family can actually be better sometimes  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all....
Just make sure you are moving somewhere with a strong community and schools.
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kollel wife
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:22 am
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How old are your kids - would they be upset/excited?
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:47 am
Ok so dh and I are both introverts. We hardly ever go out with friends etc. so moving away from the city would make little difference for us. The adjustment for us would be less kosher food options available, and not being able to visit family every Shabbos. My kids wouldn't really know their cousins which is a shame.
I'm also wondering if smaller towns actually equal MORE people knowing your business rather than less - because there are so few people, everyone knows each other's business...so would dh still feel like he has people watching and judging him? I dunno.
My kids are 6 and 3. The 6 year old is friendly and outgoing but not good with transitions. I can see it taking a year for her to adjust during which she will fall apart more easily, have more anxiety, nightmares, lower tolerance/patience threshold etc.
Honestly I've been leaning towards moving and trying it out now while the kids are young and if it doesn't work out we can always move back/elsewhere. I felt like maybe it's a little callous to leave family. And I feel a little guilty to give up a life that is pretty good by all accounts. Though I guess my dh perspective on that is totally different. It kills me to see him unhappy. Yes the rest of us will probably be ok somewhere else, might be a little better in some ways, a little worse in other ways but the main reason I'd do this is so my dh can be happy.
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Mevater
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Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:52 am
Start by renting a house for a year and DONT SELL YOUR HOUSE.
In town houses are MUCH harder to buy if you ever decide that its not working and you want to come back.
Also does your husband have equally good options for work, far away?
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mirror
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:15 am
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I know people who moved OOT but rely heavily on Costco and Walmart for their groceries. Some Costcos have kosher meat and chicken. Some Trader Joes have Kosher meat and chicken. Depending on how established your OOT community is, the groceries may not be an issue.
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amother
Mistyrose
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 8:00 am
to clarify- where I live you can definitely get kosher food, its just a matter of that stuff might be more expensive and some specific items might be difficult to find like if you want a certain soup mix. There's also not necessarily going to be a Chinese restaurant... If you are coming from NY it can be an adjustment.
If you move to a "larger" OOT community like Cleveland, LA, Chicago- this probably isn't an issue at all- it's a matter of how large of a Jewish community there is, not if it's located in NY or not. You made it sound like you didn't want to move that far away though...
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amother
Blue
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 8:06 am
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You're main concern when you have kids have to be the schools the adjustment and change can be very hard on them. Why don't you consider buying in Pomona and coming out weekends like this you'll have both worlds
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amother
Mistyrose
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 8:09 am
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it sounds like one of op's big goals would be to move far away enough that it wouldn't be feasible for her husband to work for his father because the relationship is toxic. She said that moving to the suburbs wouldn't be sufficient for that.
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amother
Babypink
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 10:15 am
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Am I missing something? What about a parnasa? Will you or your dh have one? I now live in a place that I hate, but I know we can't move due to parnasa. My dh always asks me, would I rather live where I want and struggle to put food on the table or stay here. Some days, I'm not sure. The big difference though between me and your dh is that while I hate it here, I'm not unhappy. Maybe it's my personality or faith in hashem or both. I think you first have to consider your parnasa and than think about it.
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MagentaYenta
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Tue, Jun 07 2016, 10:26 am
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It took a lot of planning (two years) for us to make a nontraditional move. One of the major factors was locating in an area where my job skills were marketable. Oh and it took compromise, ingenuity, and over $220k.
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we moved when she was five. I'm not going to lie and paint a rosy picture for you- It was hard for her at first we moved at the beginning of camp and I'm not going to lie camp was very difficult, she didn't really have friends... I almost started crying in shul at the kiddush one time. Here I was hoping that my daughter would be happier and instead kids were mean to her. It was really hard.
she really misses her aunts, cousins...