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Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Moving/ Relocating
Does it make sense to move? Would you?
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
it sounds like one of op's big goals would be to move far away enough that it wouldn't be feasible for her husband to work for his father because the relationship is toxic. She said that moving to the suburbs wouldn't be sufficient for that.


Yes exactly. My dh primarily wants to move somewhere with more space, so Pomona or NJ would work, but then he'd still have to commute in to a job he hates, through traffic he hates, and we would be living far from family and have to adjust to new schools etc. while he still wouldn't be happy.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:52 pm
amother wrote:
Am I missing something? What about a parnasa? Will you or your dh have one? I now live in a place that I hate, but I know we can't move due to parnasa. My dh always asks me, would I rather live where I want and struggle to put food on the table or stay here. Some days, I'm not sure. The big difference though between me and your dh is that while I hate it here, I'm not unhappy. Maybe it's my personality or faith in hashem or both. I think you first have to consider your parnasa and than think about it.


Of course. Once we decide on a place that we like and has good schools we will make sure one or both of us has a job to support us there.

Actually the money is part of the equation. Right now we are earning $110k per year and we are able to save only $5k per year. If we move somewhere with a lower standard of living (and state sponsored private school tuition) it's possible we could afford to have lower incomes with more living space and less expenses.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:52 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
It took a lot of planning (two years) for us to make a nontraditional move. One of the major factors was locating in an area where my job skills were marketable. Oh and it took compromise, ingenuity, and over $220k.


Wow! Why did it take you 220k to move?
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:01 pm
amother wrote:
Am I missing something? What about a parnasa? Will you or your dh have one? I now live in a place that I hate, but I know we can't move due to parnasa. My dh always asks me, would I rather live where I want and struggle to put food on the table or stay here. Some days, I'm not sure. The big difference though between me and your dh is that while I hate it here, I'm not unhappy. Maybe it's my personality or faith in hashem or both. I think you first have to consider your parnasa and than think about it.


he can find another job.
his job right now is a toxic situation..

op, I feel u.. (really, I can relate to pretty much everything u write)

move Smile
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:32 pm
amother wrote:
he can find another job.
his job right now is a toxic situation..

op, I feel u.. (really, I can relate to pretty much everything u write)

move Smile


Hmm. Interesting. If you don't mind me asking, did you/will you move?
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 5:18 pm
Grand Central Station poster here Wink

Just to comment on an earlier post. Very likely more people will know your business. That is true. I would not say that there are more people judging, though. Many OOT communities have a "live and let live" mentality for things that aren't inherently bad.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 5:51 pm
amother wrote:
Wow! Why did it take you 220k to move?
We bought a 45 acre farm, that was part of the price.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 10:44 am
amother wrote:
Hmm. Interesting. If you don't mind me asking, did you/will you move?


I dont mind..

did I? no
will I? IYH!

and it will be hard, most of my family lives within a 10 minute walk from each other.
they are ALWAYS together

I can go on and on.. I get u :/
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 10:56 am
Hah my husband just looked at the computer screen and saw thread title and asked if I wrote it. I'm in the same boat. He's not happy where we live. I grew up here and I'm sort of happy here but can use a change. I'm just terrfied of change so I don't know what to do. The place he wants to live is where he grew up and I actually know a lot of people there so making friends wouldn't be as big an issue. I don't know that I love their schools though. We are stuck where we are till at least the beginning of next year and would probably want to finish the school year but at that point we may have to take the plunge. I wish it was easier to make such decisions!
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 11:33 am
Op here. Wow I didn't realize so many people have the same issue.

It's so hard. It's hard to decide, it will be hard to move, it will be hard to adjust. And I don't know if it will be worth it.

My biggest fear is that after all that, my dh still won't be happy. So we'll have moved for nothing. I feel like happiness is a state of mind and you should be able to be happy anywhere. But I'm not the one spending 9 hours a day in a toxic workplace so I'm trying to see from his perspective how impossible it is for him to be happy here.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 11:44 am
amother wrote:
But I'm not the one spending 9 hours a day in a toxic workplace so I'm trying to see from his perspective how impossible it is for him to be happy here.


Speaking as someone that just left a toxic work environment, I'm telling you that it's really tough. I felt like my whole day was a big burden. I dreaded going to work.
Since I left I have been much calmer and see a huge difference in my shalom bayis and happiness.
Toxic enviroments drain you. If not now then later. It's best to leave, IMO.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 11:54 am
I've already started reaching out to a community to set up a visit (a couple weeks ago.) This thread has been very validating that I'm doing the right thing, so thank you everyone for chiming in.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 11:56 am
amother wrote:
I've already started reaching out to a community to set up a visit (a couple weeks ago.) This thread has been very validating that I'm doing the right thing, so thank you everyone for chiming in.


good for u!

it is hard, but for me, deep down I know its the right thing!
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 12:02 pm
Since he needs to get out of a toxic environment, go away for a year or two. He should get a different job. You can come back then with DH in a safe environment.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 12:36 pm
Iymnok wrote:
Since he needs to get out of a toxic environment, go away for a year or two. He should get a different job. You can come back then with DH in a safe environment.


its not just the toxic work environment..

amother wrote:

He hates the traffic, the noise, the overcrowded squish.

He feels like he can't be himself here, like people are always watching. When we mow our lawn at least five little boys and two adults watch from next door. It's not his imagination.

He wants to move to the suburbs somewhere with wide open spaces and a big property for half the price of our house here.

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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:06 am
It doesn't help that everyone in real life will think we are totally nuts for doing this. From their perspective, we have a house in Brooklyn, we're doing well financially, our kids are in a great school. We're living the dream. Except they don't see how depressed my DH is, how down he gets and how he resigned himself to being miserable so that his family can be happy. Sad
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amother
Brown


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:10 am
You can't be happy living someone else's dream. Do what's best for your family.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:11 am
scarlet- you have to do what's right for you, let other people wonder or think you are crazy- they aren't living your life, you are!
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:27 am
but I would def relook into Baltimore they have all types and there are dif schools that may work for you as someone who grew up in baltimore not yeshivish....and the 4 hour back to ny was not far for us at all
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:39 am
amother wrote:
It doesn't help that everyone in real life will think we are totally nuts for doing this. From their perspective, we have a house in Brooklyn, we're doing well financially, our kids are in a great school. We're living the dream. Except they don't see how depressed my DH is, how down he gets and how he resigned himself to being miserable so that his family can be happy. Sad


I imagine that will happen to me too.

need to be prepared for the backlash Rolling Eyes

also, I keep thinking about u.. and others in this situation.. ((hugs))
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