What would you do?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

What would you do?

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mommy3b2c

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:10 pm

If you called your seven year old to do homework and he said "no"?

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:14 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

If you called your seven year old to do homework and he said "no"?

take the child by the hand and lead him to the table/desk, ask him what's for homework, put the items necessary in front of him, and tell him he has to finish homework before he can play.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:16 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

take the child by the hand and lead him to the table/desk, ask him what's for homework, put the items necessary in front of him, and tell him he has to finish homework before he can play.

The problem is, I let him play already.
He has a long day at school, and he needs to play before he does homework.

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:25 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

The problem is, I let him play already.
He has a long day at school, and he needs to play before he does homework.

then he won't get to play immediately after school tomorrow. he can play after school with the understanding that he will willingly do homework and/or whatever household responsibilities he has. if he gives you a hard time with it, playing will have to wait until after homework.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:38 pm

Omg if only life were so easy

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:50 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I guess I will try this tomorrow. Thanks. I will go tell him as soon as the baby stops crying. I am putting him to sleep for the fourth time tonight.
One of those nights. So far I've kept my cool.

Dandelion1

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:52 pm

At 7 I would still try to use positive more than negative.... Like buy 5 special snack/deserts and it can be his homework treat. I would couch it as "oh, I know, homework can be a big job! Let's have a special homework snack while we do it...." (not IF you do it you'll get the treat).

MitzadSheini

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:52 pm

If bedtime is already a disaster don't tell him now. Does not sound like a teachable moment.

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 8:55 pm

aleph wrote:

lol. yeah, that could work. I was thinking of my kids. these things don't work for them. if they know that they can only have what they want once homework is done, they do homework pretty fast. homework snacks would never work for them, they'd focus on the snack and not the homework.

PassionFruit

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:06 pm

No power struggles!!
You can say, "hmm. You don't want to do your homework, huh?" He will say, "No! I hate homework!" You say, "the teacher expects the kids to do homework. Tomorrow all the kids will give the teacher their homework. What will you say?" He might decide to do it then. You can add, "homework is practice so that you can learn tons and tons of stuff! Then you will be able to do even more stuff than you already know how to do!" If he still resists you can ask, "what about it is making you not want to do it?" If he doesn't know, you can ask, "is it because you want to do something else? Is it because it is too hard? Is it because you want company? How can I help you" Then address the issue. Maybe you can sit next to him. The key is to be RESPECTFUL of him and try to understand him and help him in a calm, loving way. Even a seven year old can appreciate this. He is not an idiotic bad person, so he does not need punishments. He just needs someone to facilitate his emotional development, and that happens through explanation, giving information, and putting the ball into his lap. If he absolutely refuses, I would let him go to school with undone work, and see where that gets him. He needs to learn to have an internal responsibility, not someone to pressure him from the outside.

seeker

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:14 pm

Good for you for keeping your cool!

Do you know why he is saying no? Is he just always oppositional, is the homework boring, hard, overwhelming?

I agree with those who suggested that positive reinforcement is better than negative, but it needs to be something that motivates that particular child. A snack might not be it. Maybe he needs to get out his energy before homework so he can do some active play first, but no screen time/favorite book/whatever it is until after the homework.

If he's an ADHD type, I find that often extrinsic motivation just doesn't do that much and we need to find a way to make the activity itself more engaging. Which is unfortunate in the case of homework because we don't get to choose what it is. Does he like attention? Maybe you can inject some together time, high quality attention into the doing of the homework. Withhold attention besides that (for that after-school time span) but sit down close to him for homework, load on the compliments, listen raptly... if he is after attention. Or if he likes games, maybe you can find a way to make it into a game - every line read or question answered is a goal or something.

Have you tried a timer? Sometimes homework just seems to loom like a threat of foreboding or something... putting a time on it can help break it down. Let's see how much of this we can crunch through in 5 minutes. (repeat as needed, but removes that big HOMEWORK demon. 5 minutes and 5 minutes and 5 minutes feels like a lot less than DO ALL THE HOMEWORK.)

Just brainstorming here. Even if the only thing you did so far is keep your cool, you're already a supermom. Staying calm is more important than homework. It's good to get that homework done if you can, but I'm one of those who had to be pulled by my hair to do it and often just didn't, and I am still alive (and literate) today, and it seems so sad that all that extra stress and tension was wasted on something that is ancient history by now. (the problem is that you're the mom, and the homework goes to the teacher. If the teacher is going to get all abusive at a kid who doesn't do their homework, then it becomes unfortunately important to get it done more often than not. Sigh.)

Rutabaga

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 9:18 pm

Instead of just demanding that he do his homework, give him some control by giving him choices.

"It's time for homework now. Do you want to start with Hebrew or English tonight (or math or kriah or whatever he has)?"

Alternatively, institute a new routine where he does his homework immediately when he comes home from school so he can play afterwards without it hanging over his head. The less kvetching and stalling the more time he has to play later.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 10:58 pm

Well, bh they are all sleeping now. (For the moment) homework never did actually get done. A lot of you has great ideas, unfortunately j have already tried most of them. I think for tomorrow I will do what rutabaga and mummiedearest suggested.

Now on to my next questions...

what would you do if your 7 year old threw a toy at you? Or if he purposely woke up the baby?

MitzadSheini

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 11:07 pm

What *would * I do? Scream at him, get frustrated, give some over the top threat I don't follow through with....

What *should * I do? #1 seems to me to tell the school he is too l young for homework (I happen to think it's pointless until high school - makes kids dislike learning) and then you are supposed to empathize with his frustration whilst setting boundaries on behavior. All great in theory.

#toooldandcynical.com

seeker

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 11:08 pm

When it's the same kid avoiding homework, throwing toys, waking up the baby, avoiding school, and I don't even remember what else has been going on lately... time to forget the homework, the toys, the baby, and the schoolbus and try to figure out what the bigger pattern is showing you. Which I assume you are already doing because you sound so on top of things and such a loving, attentive mother. I'm just saying I don't think the isolated questions of "what would you do if your kid said no to homework" are going to be helpful here. Hug

MitzadSheini

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 11:19 pm

To clarify - what I meant is that is what you are supposed to do but nothing NECESSARILY works.

May Hashem send you bracha and nachas from all of your children

flowerpower

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 11:25 pm

Each kid responds to something else. I let my 7 year old play first. She had a long day plus it's summertime out. I make homework "us time". We sit on the couch together and go through everything. Because it's positive qualify time, dd actually listens.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jun 06 2016, 11:48 pm

seeker wrote:

You're right. I have tried all of these ideas and none of them worked. I am looking into therapists for him, and my husband and I have been giving him lots of extra attention, which has definitely been helping. But, I still like asking for ideas because a) it keeps me calm b) you never know when someone will have a good idea

Bh, I did not raise my voice even once tonight, and before he went to bed he apologized, and we hugged and kissed, and when I asked him if he knows how much I love him, he said "a lot." So those things are positive, at least.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:00 am

I am so impressed at how you managed to keep your cool! It's not easy when kids do things that can cause frustration, and I think you're amazing for rising to the occasion so beautifully. You're a great mom!

greenfire

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:17 am

staying calm was the best thing you could do ... especially knowing how cranky crying babies could get everyone around

I'm thinking he is asking for negative attention by throwing the toy and waking up the baby ~ like flowerpower above it is best to make homework time 'mommy & me' time

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