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Help with Consequences
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:20 pm
Violet, I don't think the OP is trying to give all 4 consequences. She's just scared out of her wits by what happened, and is trying to think what she could possibly do to get across to them that they must NEVER do something like this again.

Saw if it makes you feel any better, my nephew and niece did this. About a week after they moved into their then-new home, sis got a call from a neighbor asking is she knows where her children are. She said yes, they are playing upstairs. Neighbor said no, they are playing on the roof. They had climbed out of nephew's window onto roof of the veranda, and hopped onto the roof from there. Yes, there were consequences (don't remember what) and they never did it again.

I like the idea of teaching them what can happen....even throwing a cheap china mug out the window. Discussing that they could've fallen and broken bones or worse. You could discuss your feelings here with them about how frightened you are for their safety, so much so that you considered cancelling her birthday party (you don't have to actually cancel it, and you don't have to threaten to do so, just state your feelings about how strongly you feel that they must get the message of safety here.)

In terms of lying, talk to your child about trust. He has broken your trust by lying, explain to him that now it's difficult for you to know if he's telling the truth. You don't know, for example, if he is really having a party in school and needs to come prepared, if he has lied to you in the past. Reward him for telling you the truth with praise "I'm proud of you for telling the truth the first time. I'm disappointed that you took a cookie right before dinner, but I'm proud you told the truth about it."
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 12:22 pm
glamourmom wrote:
maybe you can try what above amother did and throw down a china doll from the roof to show them what occurs. it's less frightful then a video of actual people falling and hopefully will make an impact on them without the intense fear. you don't want to give them nightmares....


Some kids find throwing breakables from a high point to be extremely entertaining. I can imagine every cup, plate, and vase going out the window as soon as you turn you back. Same thing if you try to prove your point with water balloons.

I still think that 5 and 6 is just too young to understand abstract concepts like danger, and it's best to move them out of harms way until they are old enough to make better decisions.
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Happydance




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:27 pm
I'd lie if I had to face consequences like a cancelled bday party ...
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:47 pm
Chayalle wrote:


In terms of lying, talk to your child about trust. He has broken your trust by lying, explain to him that now it's difficult for you to know if he's telling the truth. You don't know, for example, if he is really having a party in school and needs to come prepared, if he has lied to you in the past. Reward him for telling you the truth with praise "I'm proud of you for telling the truth the first time. I'm disappointed that you took a cookie right before dinner, but I'm proud you told the truth about it."


We've been doing that for a while now. It's not getting through to DS. He gets hysterical every time I've said "I don't trust what you are saying" and it's not changing. We've tried telling him he wont even get in trouble if he tells us the truth (and have followed through with that!).
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:48 pm
rlm wrote:
I'd lie if I had to face consequences like a cancelled bday party ...


DD didn't lie. She's the one who I'm considering cancelling her party.
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myym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:48 pm
I think you should install safety locks, explain to them the danger, but not with live videos. In terms of having them stay in bed until 7am, this is perfectly normal. why should children wonder around by themselves when everyone is sleeping? If they need something they should go to you first. Other than those points, I would leave the issue.
As long as the locks cant be opened I don't think the basement is necessary especially if one child is scared.
I second those that said don't cancel the birthday party.
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FineOrthodox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 1:58 pm
Do they have money (birthday, Chanukah etc savings)? In my mind a natural consequence would be to make them pay something towards the new window guards/locks, whatever it is that you will be doing to secure the window.

I had my DD "pay" for a new item which she intentionally broke and put herself and 3 other kids in danger while doing so. She was 5 1/2 at the time.
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Rachel Shira




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 2:11 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
Should I push my children off the roof so they understand the gravity of what they did???


I'm sorry to make a joke out of a very scary thing, and I don't have any advice for you, but that's a wonderful pun right there. Very Happy
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 2:21 pm
Are your kids just able to climb right out onto a roof? Perhaps there is a way to deal with the temptation. Our roof is basically inaccessible without a ladder.

Well, sorry this happened to you. Thankfully there was no gorilla involved or the entire world would feel free to knock you.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 3:04 pm
FineOrthodox wrote:
Do they have money (birthday, Chanukah etc savings)? In my mind a natural consequence would be to make them pay something towards the new window guards/locks, whatever it is that you will be doing to secure the window.

I had my DD "pay" for a new item which she intentionally broke and put herself and 3 other kids in danger while doing so. She was 5 1/2 at the time.


This makes no sense. The kids shouldn't have to pay for a safety feature that should've been there in the first place.
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 3:17 pm
Firstly I totally understand your outrage. I would feel like beating my kids up if they did something like that. (And no. I would NOT act on those feelings)

I would probably talk with my kids. Make them feel safe to spill the beans and tell the whole story. I would listen carefully and reflect back what I heard them say. Without judgement. Just really hearing them out.

Then I would ask them what could have happened on the roof. How would it have felt to fall down. Would it hurt? Would they need to go to the hospital? Would they die?

Then I would tell them how it makes me feel. I would say it scares me so much that I couldn't stop shaking. I just love them so much. And would never want something bad to happen to them.

I would ask them what they would do if their little kids went on the roof? What type of punishment would help? How can we protect kids?

I would write down all their ideas. And together come up with a plan of action. You would be surprised. Sometimes kids come up with really tough consequences when you really get their trust.

And then I would do my own thinking. Trying to figure out what caused them to do this. If the boy is lying and acting out a lot he might need some therapy. He's young. And it's important to address things early.
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FineOrthodox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 4:06 pm
amother wrote:
This makes no sense. The kids shouldn't have to pay for a safety feature that should've been there in the first place.


According to the op there was a safety lock. A 6 year old is old enough to know not to tamper with it.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 4:16 pm
There are kids that can outsmart their parents and break safety features...I would definitely see if I can put on stronger safety features such as multiple locks. But if I was OP I would not know how to handle this situation...the children definitiel need some fear put into them and need to realize how dangerous this was .
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frumama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 07 2016, 11:27 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
We've tried telling him he wont even get in trouble if he tells us the truth (and have followed through with that!).


Even though he initially lied, he eventually owned up an told the truth...what message are you sending him if you punish him for lying now. Is he not getting a consequence as a result of telling the truth? I dont mean to criticize, just something else to consider here.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 7:10 am
frumama wrote:
Even though he initially lied, he eventually owned up an told the truth...what message are you sending him if you punish him for lying now. Is he not getting a consequence as a result of telling the truth? I dont mean to criticize, just something else to consider here.


If he had told the truth to begin with, his punishment would be much lighter. We have followed through on this in the past.

Actions have consequences. Lying makes those consequences worse.

He also only owned up to it after we told him we don't believe him and he is going to be punished anyway because we assume he is lying.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 7:17 am
This is just a comment feel free to disregard
If u tell your child you don't believe him he will not be encouraged to say the truth it's important children should feel you trust them or they will think "never mind they don't believe me anyway so why should I try"
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 7:18 am
I struggle with this too
I am trying to show my kids I trust them so they wil b encouraged to tell me the truth
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 7:19 am
sourstix wrote:
This is just a comment feel free to disregard
If u tell your child you don't believe him he will not be encouraged to say the truth it's important children should feel you trust them or they will think "never mind they don't believe me anyway so why should I try"


I only tell him that when I'm 99% sure he's lying. And I've always been correct. I've given him the benefit of the doubt and he's lied totally bald faced to me.

According to my mother, my sister was the same way and she eventually outgrew it.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 7:34 am
Even if you know that he's not saying the truth it's important to tell him I trust your gonna tell me the truth
Kids this age struggle saying the truth
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 08 2016, 8:09 am
With kids this age, dont address the lies. Pretend they didn't happen. If it really bothers you, then speak the truth for them. Tell them what you think happened. Dont label their falsehoods as 'lies' or even suggest they didn't tell the truth.

Instead, pay attention to yourself, and how you question the child, because you are the one causing the child to feel backed into a corner.

And really, stop thinking of how to punish. Rather, convey your feelings. This terrified you!

"I love you so much and this just terrified me! You could've fallen off! You're little kids!! You are not worker men who know how to walk on the roof and even they sometimes fall off! Dont ever do that again!"

Knowing now how much they terrified you, well, that's powerful. If you have a good relationship with your kids, they will care that you are so upset.

But if this is met with anger, then they will lie and hide what they do, and maybe eventually meet your anger with their own anger.

Every major incident is an opportunity to teach. Teach about gravity, about the dangers of being on a roof, about what happens when people fall. With your son, you decide how graphic it needs to be to get the point across.

And then, consider getting security bars on your windows, paying a little extra to get the kind with a key for fire safety.
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