In retrospect: SAHM vs. Working out of the home

amother

Bronze

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:26 pm

I am interested in hearing from women who are done raising their kids, both SAHM and those who worked out of the house while raising their children.
Now that you are "on the other side" of your child-rearing days, I am curious as to the following:

Are you at peace with your decisions to either stay home to raise your families or else to pursue your career? Would you have done anything differently? Are there any tips you can offer us? Is there anything you regret?
Those who stayed home to be there for their children: Do you feel it made a difference in their chinuch?
Those who were working to keep up a certain lifestyle (I.e. needing money was not the main factor behind your decision to work) : looking back, would you rather have lived more simply in order to be home for your children?
Please specify how many kids, and their age range if possible.

A little bit of background behind my questions: I am deciding whether to continue in my career, or to stay home with my children (ages 4 mos-7 yo). I personally feel that life is definitely less stressful (not less busy!) when I am home and available to take care of my family's needs as they come up. In a financial sense, we don't NEED my income BH, although we definitely will not be able to save much and move up from our current simple lifestyle where we rent and live quite sensibly within our means. There is also the point that as we have more kids and they get older, there will be more expenses.

Any thoughts, tips, musings....

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 9:35 pm

I have done both. In my early parenting days I was very adamant that I was going to stay home and not have a anyone else raise my children. Things did not work out quite as I imagined. For one thing while my ideals were high, in practice I just was not good at taking care of the house and kids and constantly felt inadequate. I was getting seriously depressed and finally went into something I was good and successful at. Things improved significantly once I had meaning and structure to my days beyond staring at the laundry piles wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't keep up.

I do work now out of financial necessity. We live simply but can't afford to give up my income. There really isn't an area to cut back as tuition gobbles up the bulk of my income. Whenever I long for carefree stress free days I think back to my sahm years and remember it wasn't all so rosy.

I know not everyone is me and plenty of people are outstanding at housework and don't get depressed staying home. If that's you, then hatzlacha. I still believe that in an ideal world that's best but I had to come face to face with my limitations.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jun 07 2016, 10:47 pm

I am a full time working mother with little kids at home. One reason I push myself is to avoid the what now bit after the kids are old enough. My mother did not work all the years raising kids and she had a very very hard time finding a job when she was ready to work.again. she had no skills..was not willing to work for 15 an hr etc.. the receptionist at my job is a lady who went back to work after raising kids. I feel bad for her. She is basically stuffing envelopes and doing everyones dirty work for them.

amother

Beige

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 12:31 am

I do wish that I had been focused on a career. It would be nice to have something of my own, an identity and a source of pride. I do work part-time now, but the job doesn't reflect my talents and training.

Only it's impossible to know what might have been. I have wonderful kids and they tell me how much they appreciate knowing that I was around for them. Would they have been as well off if I had been taking care of myself? There's no way to answer that question.

So yes, I do think I sacrificed, and I can't calculate whether it was the right thing to do.

(Btw I would change the title of this thread to "in retrospect.")

amother

Bronze

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 11:48 am

amother wrote:

(Btw I would change the title of this thread to "in retrospect.")

I took your advice- changed thread title to be less confusing. Cool

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I often feel that every year, every stage, every child, brings something different, and that nothing stays the same for too long. E.G: I might have been antsy to get out of the house with my previous toddler- hurricane, but with this one, I am happy staying home all day with her.
I hear the advice to keep working, so that when I want my career, it will be there and ready, whether in two years or in twenty. But I am honestly wondering if it is worth all the stress, juggling, and time away from my family, which I feel should be my number one investment. I am just wondering if this investment actually pays off in the long run, if it makes a difference at all in the lives of those who matter most!
Another q: As adults, we can make do with a more frugal lifestyle that would come with living off one respectable income, but do children end up feeling resentful at this trade-off?

Fox

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 12:49 pm

I don't know if this will be helpful since I was never truly a SAHM, but I'll share my experiences.

I specifically chose a career (in post-secondary education) that offered a lot of part-time opportunities and more flexible hours. However, I had my kids very close together, and it was hard. In addition, I had gotten kind of bored teaching the same courses every semester, and I was getting more and more unhappy with the atmosphere in higher education. So I leveraged a bit of nepotism and went to work for my husband's small computer company, where I can generally work from home.

My observations/experiences are as follows:

It's not easy to get right, but the best thing for kids is the golden mean. Having a mom who is always at work and never available is rough. Bearable, of course, but not ideal.

At the same time, a mom who is able to drop everything the minute someone needs something isn't so great, either. Kids (and their dads!) can get very spoiled having a live-in cook/housekeeper/laundress/chauffeur/mailroom/ombudsman, etc. It sets a standard that is tough to maintain if you go back to work or when your kids are adults. I believe 90 percent of the problems I've had in marriage stem from the fact that my MIL was a SAHM who unwittingly conditioned DH to believe in laundry fairies and house elves.

I think that's why surveys always show that mothers are happiest when they work part-time. But it's admittedly tough to find challenging, career-oriented jobs that allow you to work limited hours.

One thing that I think frum working women often skimp on: hobbies and interests.

Truthfully, most of us who work at paid employment don't have time for much in the way of hobbies or interests. Just doing our jobs to a level that keeps us from getting fired and cooking the bare minimum for Shabbos and Yom Tov is challenging enough, let alone any more advanced balabusta activities.

But most women really need something that's just for them -- not something that produces some benefit for someone else. I honestly believe having time to pursue stuff like that is every bit as important as paying for a cleaning lady or therapy or whatever you need to keep your sanity.

If your only real identity is as a mother and a worker, you're making yourself very vulnerable. A mother's role changes as her kids leave home, and even though she's still important, she's likely not engaged in as many daily tasks. Jobs come and go, and you can't count on being fulfilled by whatever work you do. But if you have hobbies, interests, and passions that are yours alone and nurture you even when other people don't, you actually look forward to the time when your constant presence isn't needed.

WastingTime

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 1:15 pm

I am not looking back in restrospect, but I had a similar story to the above poster. I wasn't good at being a SAHM. I don't manage with the housework. When I went from "stay at home with a messy house Mom" to "working with a messy house Mom (less messy, actually)" it was very invigorating. I also do long to have some time off though. My only day I don't work is a Friday, which is just spent on house work. Going straight from office to kids/dishes/laundry is not so simple, but I think I am happier in general this way. Ideal is part time/working with a day off but not always feasible. Just remember that your decision is not irreversible, you can always change your mind later on...

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 1:51 pm

I'm not done raising my kids yet, but all my kids are in school for most of the hours that I work, and I work from home.

I wouldn't take a job with a major salary increase instead of my current job, if it would involve not working from home. That's for right now. I feel there's a value to my being home on days when my kids are home sick, and I'm able to greet my DD when she comes home from school, even if I'm still working for another half hour. On Friday afternoons I'm working but I'm here, I'm home. I can be available to answer quick questions and supervise/delegate whatever is going on. I may be busy but I'm semi-available.

For my family, having the security of a mother who is around is worth any material benefits a job out of the home would bring. My DH and girls fully agree with this. They love that I'm home.

That being said, different strokes for different folks. I really think different things work for different families. Some women really thrive from their jobs, such that they are able to be more available to their families when they are home because of their time away. Some women are not so fulfilled being home all the time. I really think you need to do what speaks to you and works for you.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 2:01 pm

OP would you consider taking a sabbatical...take off to be a SAHM for a few years. See what it does for you and then decide if you want to go back to work.
I've done that. After my second child was about 3 , I stopped working. I was home and the kids were out. I was sure I was going to be bored and go out of my mind. Instead I accomplished a lot, I cleaned my home every day , I cooked gourmet 3 course meals. I had ample time to exercise and I worked out every day. I got to take a half hour nap every day and then when the kids got home I had all the free time with a clean house, cooked meal, rejuvenated mom to fully focus on the kds.
But after child #3 went to playgroup I started becoming antsy. I started thinking too much in my spare time and focused on all the negativity in my life. (I was bored and it was causing me to think and dwell too much) My Rav advised my DH that I would be better off working. I went back to work and have been working ever since. My hours got longer and longer over the years, but I like to work. Yet I appreciate being home too. You need to have a balance. So sometimes I just take off of work to give myself a break and to enjoy being home...but if I'd stop working now, I would be very bored and get tired of staying home. Each person is different and need different thinks. Maybe give it a try.

m in Israel

Wed, Jun 08 2016, 2:58 pm

I'm not done raising my kids, but I feel I can add to this conversation because I have done both. For the first 10 years of our marriage I worked full time, and then due to various changes in our circumstances (including a move halfway across the world Wink

) I became a SAHM, and have been so happily for the past bunch of years.

The bottom line is that I think this is a question that is dependent on so many individual factors it is really hard to extrapolate from someone else's experiences. I was a bit nervous about going from working full time to being at home all day because I had heard many stories similar to the ones posted earlier on this thread: woman feeling bored or unfulfilled or lonely or without an identity when they didn't work.

Much to my delight, I felt none of those things. I love being home all day with the flexibility to do laundry when it is not the middle of the night and cook for Shabbos on Friday morning instead of through the night on Thursday. But I don't feel my life has become only about my kids and home. I'm still very busy, but I still have the interests and feelings that make me into me.

When I left my job my friends who worked with me were sure I wouldn't last more than a year before I became desperate for a job -- I always enjoyed what I did and I am not the "type" that people expected would find satisfaction as "only" a mother and wife. But it is many years more than that now, and I have no intention of going back to work unless it becomes absolutely necessary financially or perhaps when I don't have young kids anymore.

chani8

Thu, Jun 09 2016, 4:25 am

I think you have to take your personality into account. I'm a die hard introvert so being a SAHM and then a WAHM has been perfect for me.

Imo, there are two major issues to consider for working moms. Mother-child bonding. And finding a good, loving babysitter.

I worked full time with my firstborn, and I think we both suffered attachment issues, even though I tried to minimize it by nursing. And I had two disastrous experiences with babysitters until I found a good one. (Use those nanny-cams, on real time!)

amother

Taupe

Thu, Jun 09 2016, 8:46 am

I'm not done raising my kids either but may I offer another piece of this puzzle?
My dh works very full time - very demanding job and he has chosen a very demanding career and he's happy with it .
When I married him I knew that his job is demanding. And I knew ( and was happy about it ) that I would be the Mother- with a capital M because even though he's a great father and does everything when he's home , I take care of the kids' needs all the time because he simply cannot .
For the time being , I can't work a regular job because someone needs to be home with the kids when they're sick, when they're on vocation... We have a bunch of small kids and if I had to take off work all those times they're sick or have offf days - id get fired ( isn't there a thread about this right now ?).
It just doesn't make sense for me to work out of the home now. I do work very part time from home now and have done that on and off for the past few years. But it's from home and very part time - otherwise we wouldn't manage .
So even if I end up regretting not having a career when I'm older , I'll know it was a bigger picture that made this decision right for us