Dealing with mortality

amother

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 4:34 pm

Sorry, I didn't know where to put this.
Dont read if you dont want to get depressed, unless you think you can handle it.
Does anyone have tips for dealing with the idea of mortality... that we will all die, that our close relatives will die. One of my close relatives has been having a certain health problem on and off for yrs now.(And she doesnt even tell me when these health episodes occur. I hear it from elsewhere.) She has seen the specialist for that problem but it doesnt seem it's under control. I am scared. I am scared this is how I will lose her. I am scared to not have her. I am scared to try to explain it to my little little kids. I am scared to get through life without her. I feel bad for the issues we may have had in the past, or even though we smoothed a lot of it out and are fine with each other now, just that I have some issues in my own head still. I am scared of seeing this person's spouse alone. I am scared for this all even if it happens in 20 yrs. How can life continue? How can I explain it to my kids? How can I go on? How can I think of this person in the ground? How can we think of ourselves not being here in 100 yrs? I know... we're supposed to hope for mashiach... I do... but should he not come... Please share any of your ideas...

rainbow

Sun, Aug 12 2007, 10:52 pm

Amother, sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about the situation. I think it's normal, given that your relative's health is on the decline.

If your relationship with this person is not good, and you are still riddled with guilt....makes the situation more complicated...in which case I would seek some counseling to help process the guilt and bad feelings...

If your relationship with this person is good....oh well...it does hurt to see our loved ones suffer...and to know their existence is short-lived..as is ours...perhaps spending quality time with her will be soothing to you....yeah, spending quality time, having positive experiences with this person...I can't think of another piece of advice that would be as beneficial as this one...perhaps another poster will come along with other ideas...

southernbubby

Mon, Aug 13 2007, 10:11 pm

My friend's levaya was today. She was ill for a year and a half and she was only given at most 6 months to live so we were able to enjoy her for an extra year. She was concerned about how her husband would cope but as for herself, she knew that Hashem would gather her up and she had great emunah.
Her friends all gathered this evening at the home of her niece and said tehillim and words of Torah in her merit. Then we all spoke of our memories of her. A letter from the Rebbe was read that stated that grief beyond what the Torah tells us to observe causes pain to the departed loved one who badly wants us to get on with our lives.
Death is part of life. It separates us from our loved ones but unites us with Hashem. Our bodies during our lifetimes are capable of doing mitzvahs which cannot be done after death because a mitzvah involves a physical action. After death, the neshoma is free to experience the spiritual connection to Hashem that the body limits the person from experiencing.

amother

Tue, Aug 14 2007, 7:52 am

What you wrote is surely true and I appreciate it for giving me what to think about. Problem is that I feel very low religiously and all of the getting closer to Hashem, not being able to rack up more mitzvot etc, only makes things worse for me.

Mimisinger

Tue, Aug 14 2007, 8:26 am

Amother - go talk to a grief counselor - there are many people like you, this is why they exist! And, no one can tell you how long to grieve. It's all very nice to read a letter from a Rebbe saying that you cannot grieve more than halachically permitted, but my mother's father died when she was 8 and since then she has been affected by it! She was never allowed to grieve or have closure (go to the funeral or ever talk about her father) B"H she has made it into the positive by counseling others about grief. But you must see someone. Get some grief books AND look to Hashem.

greenfire

Tue, Aug 14 2007, 11:55 am

hey OP I have too thought exactly like you ... would worry about my mother and my grandmother and the immortality for 30 years before it actually happened ... I was only comforted by my grandmother's death because I was with my mother from the second she heard and was able to do things for her and my grandmother's burial that most wouldn't have thought of ... now I am frightened for my mother ... myself ... my children ... yes immortality ... it makes one think ... one need not be sick to wonder and think - but rather sensitive to life and death ... I hear you for what it's worth ... I almost lost my sister and my kids - you cannot help but wonder ... I see a hearse and I stop in my tracks and say tehillim pray for a soul I don't even know ... does it help - maybe in that moment until the next ... and yes it does make me question Hashem - I can't help it he made me human ...

southernbubby

Tue, Aug 14 2007, 12:04 pm

We are supposed to value life and try to save lives and try to live as long as possible. While we are living, we can do mitzvahs.
This does not mean that we must fear death. Death is inevitable for all people until Moshiach comes. As children of Hashem, we trust that He loves us and will always care for us, in this world and the next. Death affects the living and although no one ever forgets or stops missing his or her loved ones, Hashem expects the living to process the mourning in a specific period of time and then resume their happy life. This is a favor to the deceased.

amother

Wed, Aug 15 2007, 10:33 am

I find some of them interesting to read, but #1 I find it pretty impossible to change based on a book. I need human help (though I dont really agree with therapy). #2 I dont have much time to read these days.

amother

Wed, Aug 15 2007, 3:13 pm

how does that saying go from AA?
something along the lines of give me stregnth to change what I can, disregard what I cant change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
none of us know how long weve got, so live now while youre alive. concentrate on that.

amother

Wed, Aug 15 2007, 3:20 pm

op here.
Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Doesnt mean I am not living now. Fact is in general with changes in life some ppl take it easily, some ppl worry, some agonize.... same here. I am an agonizer.

faigie

Wed, Aug 15 2007, 4:16 pm

I can understand agonizing.
been there done that.
truth is, I agonized so many different possible scenarios. and then I realized something interesting. one of those lightbulb moments.
I can think of x number of scenarios, but the truth is, it is all made up situations in my head. I could do better for myself if I allowed life to unfold, and IF AND WHEN something occurs, I will have a clearer understanding of that said situation, and will be better able to deal with it then as ill have more information to use, because I will be IN the situation and will be better able to see all of the ramifications and angels of it.
simply put, worrying is like trying to catch spit in the wind.

faigie

Wed, Aug 15 2007, 5:12 pm

maybe youd like to do what I did.
write down every time you have an agonizing WHAT IF scenario in a book.
after a week or so, go back to the book. see how many of the WHAT IFS transpired.
with me it was less then 1%.
I felt like a [slow person].
so then I decided to make a 180.
I decided to focus on simcha. I decided, that every day has to count FOR SOMETHING. doesnt have to be something big, but it had to count for something. write down during the day, when you accomplish anything at all, or have a good thought, or did a good deed, or heck even folded your laundary without procrastinating.
ANYTHING GOOD.
........then go back after a week and see what good DID transpire.
then get back to me.

amother

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 2:32 am

Well, yet another such situation... Let's just say this relative is my mother and she is only in her early 60s. And I am the youngest of my siblings. I am just NERVOUS. And she is going overseas soon for a long trip so I sure hope things will calm down.

amother

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 1:47 pm

Help... ok when I wrote my last post I wasnt actually told there was another episode. I just assumed. I usually get an email from my mom after shabbat and I didnt now. She ALWAYS calls on Sun and she didnt call me or my siblings. We all called.... no answer. I left a message. I dont know if I should call their cell phones. I dont want to be a pain but I am nervous. My stomach is just sinking. I am so scared. And I am scared even if nothing happened this time.