One child goes to funeral, other doesnt

Ima2NYM_LTR

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:12 am

My husbands grandfather, a great and loving man, was nifter a few minutes after Shavuot. The levaya will be about 3 hours away from us tomorrow.

I have a 12 year old son and an (almost) 7 year old daughter. While I feel the 12 year old is old enough to be mature and responsible at a funeral, I feel the 7 year old isn't. I am going to leave her at home/in school and have someone else get her at the end of the day.

My daughter hates being left out of things, especially due to her age.

How do I approach explaining to them without it become a battle that neither my husband or I can fight right now?

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:25 am

So sorry for your loss.

I would explain to her that this is an event for older people. If this will involve a Shiva call to your parent-in-law, you can tell her she will be included in that.

I didn't take my DD, 7 at the time, to my mother's Levaya last year. I felt that it would not be appropriate for her to see me, and my father and siblings, in that state. I also would've found it hard to give her the attention she tends to need. I explained to her that she would be included in other things, and left her somewhere she loves being (at my SIL with her favorite cousin.)

Goldie613

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:34 am

How about starting off by explaining to them what a funeral is?

I don't mean the details of the burial, but rather that this is a sad and serious time when grown ups will be making speeches about their great-grandfather, and talking about what a good person he was, and that the speeches and the davening and everything after that (insert whatever details about burial you think your younger one can handle here - for that age I problem wouldn't have said much at all) will take a few hours. The people there won't be playing or having snacks or even acting the way they usually act, because they"ll be very sad because they"ll miss the person who was niftar.

I guess what I'm saying is that once she realizes that the only thing she is "missing" is speeches and sadness, maybe she won't mind missing it. If she still wants to take part in it, I've sometimes seen kids write something to be read by an adult at a yartzeit about the niftar, so maybe she can do something like that, assuming she knew him. At the end of the day, this may have to be one of those boring grown up rules that she"ll have to deal with, though bribery may also be an option (as in, we're going to be doing this, but you can have a playdate at your best friend's house after school).

BTW, have you asked your 12 year old if he's comfortable going? Even if he's mature enough to go, he may still feel uncomfortable and prefer not to go.

May your family be comforted during this time

animeme

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 10:56 am

Is the problem whether the 7 year old can handle the idea of the funeral and what happens there, or whether she can sit for the whole thing? And the same question needs to be asked about your twelve years old. Does he want to go? Does your 7 year old want to go, or just not to be left out?

If it's just a left out issue, I would try to plan something fun for her, like a desired playdate. I would also not take the 12 year old if he doesn't want to go. Age doesn't necessarily correlate here. For a grandparent's funeral in our family, our calm, compliant eleven years old was completely freaked out by the idea of going, while our six year old, who we left home, was really upset until we took him to the kever and he got closure.

Another option: can you take her along on the trip, and have someone there in charge of her, so she only misses you for the actual funeral?

mummiedearest

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 11:28 am

when my grandfather died recently, we took our middle child to the funeral, none of the others. we asked them what they wanted to do, explained what the funeral was, and let them decide. she was glad she went. this was not the first death in the family that they have experienced. each child reacts differently.

I'm sorry for your loss.

pond user

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 12:04 pm

Is it an option to take her at all?

When my first grandfather died my 7 year old sister was a wreck. As much as my mother explained death to her she was terrified if going to sleep and dying etc.

When my second grandfather died shortly after she was offered to join in the funeral and explained what would happen. We had to travel 6 hours for the funeral and she chose to join. She watched the entire procedure and saw the coffin lifted through the crowd. Everyone was sure she would be somewhat scarred but she changed after that. She had no more night time anxiety and was able to understand death in a tangible way.

If it had been my child I would've never allowed it to happen. BH my parents had the insight to see what she needed and it worked for her. Good luck with your decision though and Baruch Dayan Hoemes.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 12:08 pm

When I was 7, my aunt died. My parents said that I couldn't come to the funeral, and I was really upset because all the other relatives were going. It still really bothers me today (and I'm in my 30s now), though I also think they made the right choice logically. But I still feel bad about it.

I went to my first funeral at 11 for my grandfather, and I couldn't handle it (the speeches were long, and also seeing all my adult relatives cry was very difficult) - I literally spent most of the funeral hiding in the bathroom. But, I also think my parents made the right choice in having me go then.

So, in summary, I think you should explain what will happen there - long speeches, a lot of sitting and listening without getting up, no talking most of the time, and a lot of adults crying (this is especially good to prepare her for if she does go, but will also give her realistic things to base her decision on even if she decides not to go). Then let her decide. If she still wants to go, I say take her. And in advance, give her the option of leaving the room whenever she wants (nobody will bat an eye at a 7 year old heading towards the bathroom or hallway, even in the middle of a speech) and she can sit in the bathroom or a side room with toys and books or crayons so she can get away if she needs too. Maybe even bring a babysitter to keep an extra eye on her if you don't feel comfortable with her being off by herself. Because I still feel really bad that my parents wouldn't let me go to the funeral with everyone else for my own relative. So an intermediate solution like this would be ideal - she decides for herself, she goes if she wants, but she can leave the room if she can't handle it.

So sorry for your loss.

mha3484

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 1:25 pm

I was 11 at my first funeral and I was just fine. My sister was 9 and my brother was 5. We all went it was our grandfather. My mother has a very open and matter of fact attitude about death and I think it was a very positive thing for all of us growing up. I think for many people a levaya provides a sense of closure that is really beneficial.

Also not all funerals are the same. Not everyone will have long speeches or lots of crying. I have found with my relatives who lived long full lives like my 97 year old great great aunt etc it was not this drama filled depressing experience that everyone is describing.