In need of parenting help

yksraya

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 3:16 pm

When kids misbehave like that it's very hard. Yet I second what many posters already mentioned: DO NOT give any consequences at the time of the kids outburst. Calmly distract the child from his bad behavior by taking him into his room or any other quiet area and start shmoozing abt something completely unrelated to what just happened. Or any other form of distraction you can think of.

If that does not work, remove yourself from the scene. Lock yourself into your room for a few minutes and completely ignore his yelling or knocking etc till you feel calm enough to handle him.

When ds throws a fit and I feel like I'm not in a great mood or if I haven't been successful, I call dh (if he's not home yet) and give my son the phone, shmoozing with daddy usually gets him to calm down (they shmooze abt other stuff, not his behavior). If dh is home he would take him into his room etc and they chat, that calms him down.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 3:59 pm

Thank you all for your help and suggestions.

Im trying to get some insight. DS is my most responsible child. On a daily basis he will get dressed, make his bed, brush his teeth, get his snacks ready, all without any prompts. He is thoughtful and caring to his younger siblings. An all around good kid. But when he gets upset about 1 thing (be it the wrong chair, abrupt change in schedule) he will go haywire and wont back down until the end. As much as I can avoid triggers and situations, something in his life will go eventually go wrong, and he doesnt know how to get out of that negative behavior. We get locked into a power struggle (as much as I avoid it, it sometimes happens) and there is no way out.

Some of you suggested I should have sat down with him and asked him what was wrong. But that would have taught him (and his siblings) that the way to get Mommy to sit down with you and discuss all your problems, is by yelling nice and loud. Instead, I ignored him and got on with my day. But he hates when I ignore him, so he tried his best to get a reaction from me (by bothering his siblings).

mummiedearest

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 4:08 pm

amother wrote:

actually, if you catch it early enough, it will teach him to bring his problems to you without having a fit. if he can learn to use language to help himself keep calm, he'll be in a better place.

chavs

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 4:26 pm

Most children are not able to reflect on something bothering them without having had help previously so for many a struggling child looks like a misbehaving child.
When you ignore a child who us struggling you are teaching him many things, including that mummy can't cope with him and that he can't go to you. You are most likely gonna escalate his behaviour as you are not addressing the actual problem just dealing with a symptom.
Your son was telling you that he needed help. There are ways to help your son understand that being rude is not OK without taking away what he needs (parental love, attachment, pillows, sense of safety) and help him with what's going on for him.

I really think you need to address these issues more as your attitude and reaction was far more shocking to me than your son's behaviour (which was quite understandable to me actually).
I am saying this with love and I'm saying this as a parent who has worked hard to get where I am today. I have two kids with aspergers so not the easiest kids to parent and I had to really learn what kids and ppl need and had to learn about child development.
I really suggest a parenting course such add the one I suggested earlier. It changed my life.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jun 20 2016, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

Some of you suggested I should have sat down with him and asked him what was wrong. But that would have taught him (and his siblings) that the way to get Mommy to sit down with you and discuss all your problems, is by yelling nice and loud. Instead, I ignored him and got on with my day. But he hates when I ignore him, so he tried his best to get a reaction from me (by bothering his siblings).

It feels like it in the moment, doesn't it? It feels like by turning into nice and kind and supportive mommy, you will be encouraging yelling, shouting and all around bad behavior, because why behave calmly when you can get your needs met through shouts, demands and explosions?

Ross Greene has a motto: Kids do well if they can. Many adults operate under an altogether different motto: kids do well if they want to, but really no kid wants to explode. Certainly not a kid as wonderful and together as your son! He knows he is out of control and I can almost guarantee that he feels worse about himself in those moments and after than you could ever feel about him.

Greene explains that "challenging behavior occurs when the demands of the environment exceed a kid’s capacity to respond adaptively." Emotional regulation, frustration tolerance and adaptability are cognitive skills that have to be developed. Some children develop these skills naturally while others need some extra help and it can take longer in much the same way that some children need extra help and may take longer learning to read. If a first or second grader was lagging behind the other students in reading, you wouldn't tell him that you'll only help him learn to read when he comes to you and reads. He needs your help in order to get there. It's the same with your son. He needs your help to learn the skills of emotional regulation.

An earlier poster recommended Greene's website www.livesinthebalance.org and I second that recommendation. It's a fantastic resource and there is so much you can do to help your son build the skills he needs to handle upsetting situations without upsetting everyone around him.