When/how to tell others suffering infertility I'm pregnant.

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For those of you who are or have suffered from infertility (secondary infertility) Is it easier for you when you are told someone is pregnant?

By them showing up with maternity- without being told. (basically being left out of the loop)

[ 3 ]

It's much easier if I know before they are showing or am told on the phone etc. so that it's not just thrown in my face.

94%

[ 53 ]

Total Votes : 56

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:03 am

I have suffered a miscarriage and high risk pregnancies so I do not tell people I'm pregnant. My siblings and friends know that when I'm showing they will know and until then don't expect me to tell. I only tell my parents.

I have one exception to this rule. If there is someone who is suffering from infertility or secondary infertility I like to tell them before they see my big stomach because I think it is more painful to just show up at their door and shock them.

I'm asking this to people who have suffered from infertility or are currently.

1. Is it easier if someone tells you as opposed to you just seeing their stomach or them telling you after they have a baby?

2. Does it matter at what point they tell you?

3. Is there a specific way or something I can do to make it easier?

I'm already B"H in my eighth month so I've told a few people but there is one friend who I have only on whatsapp but she's suffering tremendously she suffered infertility and now is suffering secondary infertility with one child she is always in a tremendous amount of pain over this, and for good reason. I've only met her 2 -3 times. We got together on Purim but I wasn't showing yet but I feel I must tell her as it's getting closer.

I was wondering what others who have been through this feel. I hate to cause her more pain but I think best thing is to be open. She has been to my house to babysit my kids etc. and I don't want to meet her and hurt her by having not told her.

Any suggestions or advice in general on this matter to me and those of us who get pregnant but don't want to cause more pain to those suffering. I wish I could take away your pain. I know I can't but I was wondering if one way is better than another.

I didn't have children right away after I got married although I didn't suffer from infertility per se' It was very difficult watching all my really young nieces get pregnant repeatedly while I struggled so I understand the concept but the level of pain I can't really understand at all since B"H I have 2 children.

I remember that when my nieces would just show up with their big bellies in my face it was much harder than when my sister or someone told me before hand that they were pregnant. Do you feel this way? I'm talking about friends and family not your next door neighbor obviously every day we encounter pregnant women on the street and there is nothing they can do to not cause pain other than to stay home.

I'll attach a poll... maybe this will give us an idea and people don't have to write their response, For those who are suffering from infertility, secondary infertility etc.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:23 am

It's a nice sentiment, but...

I have PIF for years now, and other than my sister I would absolutely NOT want anyone to tell me one-on-one that they are pregnant. Usually I find out when they start showing or on facebook.

Honestly, it's extremely painful no matter how I find out (only in the sense that I wish for the same, not that I begrudge anyone their children or happiness). But being put on the spot to come up with a response would be just too much to bear. I would like to be allowed to deal with it in my own way and time, without feeling that I have to respond.

Unless this is someone you are extremely close with or a close family member, I would not recommend telling her any differently than you tell anyone else. Just my thoughts...

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:28 am

Please tell her. It is worse to find out after especially if u are close enough to that person. You can txt the person. It's with mix emotions that I share this with you.. this way you showing you care but at same time doing what right. Been there and done that. Good luck and bst

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:35 am

OP said they are not close friends. Don't you see what would happen if everyone followed your advice and specifically called/texted all infertile women they know to tell them of their pregnancy?

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:41 am

amother wrote:

This.
Definitely text or even better e-mail so she doesn't have to respond immediately but rather after processing the information.
But you should tell her. Telling, in a sensitive fashion, is also an acknowledgment by you of her painful situation. I think she will appreciate that.
It will also eliminate any awkwardness when you do eventually meet.
It's not pleasant to be shocked and also at the same time know that the other person knows you have inevitably been knocked off balance. Allow her the courtesy of meeting you with composure.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

OP said they are not close friends. Don't you see what would happen if everyone followed your advice and specifically called/texted all infertile women they know to tell them of their pregnancy?

Yes, but OP obviously is delliberating over this specific friend for a reason.
It seems that there's something in this particular relationship or maybe in OP's assessment of this friend's personality or her situation that is causing this quandry.
It doesn't mean that she or anyone else needs to extrapolate to all similar situations.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:57 am

for me it's a knock in the face especially from people who have told me in the past (I have sif and I did not have an issue at first) but now they avoid telling me and it hurts.
they will call me for kvater for their bris (person I'm thinking of made multiple brissim while I'm still waiting)

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 10:59 am

If you dont talk to her all that much and never see her, I would assume just wait until you give birth. I mean, 8 months pregnant is not really the best time to be telling anyone anymore that you are pregnant.
As someone who went through PIF and SIF I dont like, being told about pregnancies from people that I have very little to do with. My siblings tell me either in person or on the phone and a few close friends that live in my community that knew that I would appreciate knowing before they started showing. But if you are already in your 8th month? I would be extremely upset at being told now. I would just as easily wait to hear about it like anyone else who did not get to know from you.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 11:14 am

I would prefer to be told over email, instead of just seeing a pg belly.

I like do my crying in private. Crying

When I get over my pity party and process my feelings, then I will be able to be happy for you.

*I'm not like that now that I have DD in my life, but in the past I was one raw nerve, and I can remember those feelings like it was yesterday. For a long time I couldn't stand the sight of anything related to babies, even on television.*

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 11:19 am

I think alot depends on your relationship with the person. If it's someone you are very close to - like a sibling or SIL or best friend - then they should be told with a phone call. It will be hard, but it's so painful not to be told, to feel like they didn't feel comfortable telling me just because of my IF.....

OTOH someone you don't have alot of close contact with does not have to be told with a personal phone call or email. I don't expect all and sundry to tiptoe around me.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 11:51 am

Yes you should definitely tell a close friend by text is the best way

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 1:47 pm

maybe you guys can help with my dilemma. my older sister recently had a stillborn after being IF for many years. she is still childlesss and desperate to get pregnant. I am pregnant with my second and will soon need to tell her ( she is my older sister with no other married siblings). I just can't do it and I can't not do it. I'm pretty much at a loss.
with my first baby I told her right away I figured I can't hide the nausea... and better I should tell her than she should find out. she took it very well but that was before her stillborn and she was not so desperate yet then.

how and when should I tell her???

finallyamommy

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 2:03 pm

Honestly? You're not going to win. Unless she's some kind of tzadekes, and I have met a few of them, she's going to resent you and your pregnancy no matter how you tell her, and a lot of us disagree about what's the best way to tell us. But I always prefer to be told via email (or FB message or the like) - that way it's not in my face and I can react however I need to at the time. Telling her in person OR letting her find out in person when you're showing, both of these are not so great at respecting her space/letting her compose herself privately first.

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 2:08 pm

I actually feel that a phone call is more personal and text/email is more cold, especially for a sister, but there's no one size fits all here. You know your sister best, so you do what you think and pray for her, both for her pain now over this and for her pain in what she is going thru.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 2:28 pm

I know others usually say it is best to tell, but I personally would have preferred just finding out upon a birth which wasn't always possible with close friends or family who I saw regularly.

some thought they were being sensitive by telling me even earlier than they told others and I just thought "Why make me suffer even longer?"

I guess this just goes to show there is not one right answer but I would definitely recommend doing it by text or email if you have tot tell.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 3:24 pm

If it's a close friend or SIL, I'd much rather find out via email than in person or over the phone, so I can think before responding and not have my face fall or my voice catch.

If it's not someone close to me, I'd just rather know after the birth.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 3:28 pm

finallyamommy wrote:

Resent is a very strong word. I am not a tzadekes, and no, I did not resent people for getting pregnant. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 4:26 pm

Op here,

Thank you everyone for your responses...

We are not close but we talk all the time on whatapp that's how I know her. and if I talk to her 5-6 times in one week it's kind of rude for me not to mention that I'm pregnant. I can't tell her the same way I tell everyone else since I don't tell anyone really and b. we don't talk on the phone so I can't tell her but like she has helped me out and babysat for me on two occasions even babysat for me while I was in my first trimester so that I could go to the doctor.

I think I will just tell her.

The purpose of the thread though wasn't about only this one person. I was curious in general although I had already decided to tell people who are suffering from infertility to try not to cause additional pain to what is already painful.

I guess I will see if I can fit it into the next conversation we have. Because I think for her in particular since she helped me out it will be rude to say hey by the way in all our conversations I couldn't find a reason to mention that I was pregnant so by the way I had a baby. I won't be putting her on the spot since it's through whatsapp but I think it's better
thank everyone for your opinions.

I appreciate hearing more because I posted this thread because I had this question in general although at this point she is the only person I haven't told.

And I'm not suggesting you call people you don't have anything to do with. I'm saying people you speak with all the time. Is it more hurtful if someone you speak to all the time neglects to tell you and then when they have a baby just pops it in your face or shows up at your door pregnant.

notshanarishona

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 6:41 pm

I think you are right in thinking about the right way to do it, but I agree with PP that you missed the boat.
Telling someone at 8 months is just as offensive as not telling before the birth.
8 months means every casual acquaintance who see's you half a block away knows about your prengancy.

I can understand waiting to tell someone till you are showing but at this point I don't think you are being sensitive to her or nice by telling her.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Jun 21 2016, 7:22 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Sorry, I'm not 8 months I'm 7 months just starting my 8th month and my own siblings just found out. I also know this person only about 6 months.
But I appreciate your opinion. Telling sooner may have been too hard for me because of my own history I am only now feeling safe to talk a it it to be honest and I can tell her that. But I will keep it in mind I"YH for future pregnancies I hope I will have. By what month is it considered " nice"?

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