Need chizuk and positive thoughts here...

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 5:26 pm

I'm not a very optimistic person, but I try. Now I've come to the point where I just can't take it anymore and I'm feeling very depressed. I don't really have friends or family around so feeling alone probably is a big factor why I seem unhappy. To the top of that, I'm feeling unloved by my husband. Yea, he tries..he's not a bad husband, but I just wish he'd be more compassionate and thoughtful.

I have three little kids and we all live in a one bedroom apartment that is owned by my own parents! So we just pay the maintenance bill. By September, we're going to have to start paying for my kid's kindergarten yeshiva tuition. My parents, once again, are helping us and paying for half of it. However, I'm feeling VERY depressed also because I don't see how we'll every be able to move to a bigger place (at least another bedroom!!!! we're 5 people in one bedroom!). Yes, I feel very guilty for staying at home and not being able to contribute, but when I first started, I thought I was doing the right thing. So far, we've been able to pay the bills and buy food, but I'm scared to think about next year with these school tuitions! what's going to be when we'll have to pay for more than one???! Then I've come to the big issue about moving to Israel. Not sure when that's going to happen, but I was telling my husband that since we're not having it easy over here, I rather struggle already in Israel and be able to raise our kids over there. He suddenly doesn't want to move there! So there's another big issue.

I feel like everything is on my shoulders. There are days when I wish I could bring back time and redo everything...like focus on a good career and make money before having a family. My husband thinks I have the brains to start some business and make alot of money...not sure why he thinks that! so now I'm going crazy trying my best to think of something that would give us enough money to live in the US in order to pay for a bigger house AND these yeshiva tuitions and so far I haven't started on anything!!! I'm really feeling guilty because I'm not working but if I will work then I'll also feel guilty about leaving the kids. I'm not sure what to do. I'm sure many will say I should just work... but with my type of career (didn't choose a good degree) I won't be able to make as much in order to pay for a bigger apartment and these yeshivas!

Oh yea, and did I say my toddlers are not that easy at home?? I'm sure everyone has that... but they fight every day and some days I just want to get out of the house! My husband works the entire day and really just sees them in the weekends so he doesn't have to deal with this as much.

Maybe I should read encouraging books? any recommendations?? not sure what to do about my mood since I've got too many negative thoughts around me....

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 5:41 pm

amother wrote:

I think a good step would be for you to start working in the field on your degree. You will feel better getting out of your apt a little bit. Yes life is expensive and overwhelming when you think about it all but just try to focus on what's on your plate now.

If I do end up working, I'll still need to pay for a babysitter/daycare for my youngest AND for yeshiva for my other twos... then I'm not sure how much money we could actually save with my sort of income and if it's actually worth it besides going out of the house.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 6:15 pm

amother wrote:

Im not sure I understand. Your saying your struggling even with FREE RENT. So your thinking of moving to a 2 or 3 bedroom in order to make things more manageable? Plz explain.

No, of course we can't move now that only one person is working. But it's also not that easy to live in a small spaced apartment with all 5 of us in a one room. Of course I should be thankful that at least we have a place to live, but sometimes I wish we'd have an extra bedroom or at least a bigger dinning room area so we could actually have people come over. So far, we were able to pay maintenance and bills but we can't save and it will seem harder with yeshiva tuition.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 6:17 pm

amother wrote:

From your post it seems like you just want to move to Israel to escape tuition but it doesn't seem like you have an actual desire to live there... Would your husband have a job there?

I grew up in Israel so I guess for me it would be easier than for my husband. But I did live many years over here so of course I got used to it. But I do miss some things in Israel..it's not just to escape the tuition in the US. My husband would have a harder time finding a job as a teacher in Israel because they don't pay as much as here, but I believe he could do other things.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 9:38 pm

I'm in the same boat with 4 kids. As my husbands income increases so does expenses and taxes. So he works more hours..but it doesn't bring in much extra and I am stuck with 4 kids in a messy. one bedroom apartment all by myself. It sucks, but u have to have to believe that Hashem will help. When I start thinking those negative thoughts I say to myself. No family lives on the street and there are no kids who are home because of money for tuition (at least that I know of).
Hashem has his way of making thing or out and we have to have patience.
I do try to earn extra money by doing babysitting or mending for my neighbors. I understand why you should not go to work at this point but taking training that can help you get a job in a few years is a good idea.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jun 22 2016, 9:49 pm

amother wrote:

Wow for 4 kids and one bedroom! When I was pregnant with the 2nd, I told myself, that we'll have to move if we're planning on having more. Well, we're now with 3 and I'm still thinking about moving and can't imagine having another one and staying in the same apartment! But then again, you're right. Some people have it worse...and I'm also thankful we're not living in the street. I just want the best for my kids. I guess I also want my kids to sort of have what I had..growing up in a nice neighborhood in Israel and each sibling has his own bedroom. But it seems impossible for now. I know I should work, but little kids will not stay little forever & I told myself that I'll be at home raising them until they all go to preschool.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 23 2016, 6:55 am

OP, does your husband speak Ivrit? Private tutors often make more money than teachers, and the hours can be more flexible. He could also tutor the kids of anglo olim.

I know that in many Israeli neighborhoods, there are never enough English speaking ganim. You could open a gan, and still be home with your kids. They'd just have a few more playmates.

Does your DH have any other objections to Israel? Maybe you need to sit down and draw up a list of pros and cons with him, and hash it out. Also make a list of logical concerns AND emotional concerns, because those are valid too.