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DD4 takes all the joy out of parenting :(



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amother
Navy


 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:46 am
I know it isn't her fault, it must be mine, but I find that all the relaxing and bonding moments just get ruined. Take bedtime for example. Instead of us sitting together, reading a story, singing, shema etc. she is busy ordering me around - hold my hand like this, rub my back like this, hold the book like this, turn the page, don't turn the page, I'm ready for shema, I'm not ready for shema. It's just exhausting! What am I doing wrong?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:52 am
amother wrote:
I know it isn't her fault, it must be mine, but I find that all the relaxing and bonding moments just get ruined. Take bedtime for example. Instead of us sitting together, reading a story, singing, shema etc. she is busy ordering me around - hold my hand like this, rub my back like this, hold the book like this, turn the page, don't turn the page, I'm ready for shema, I'm not ready for shema. It's just exhausting! What am I doing wrong?


Parenting is exhausting and not enjoyable a lot of the time IME. I only have 2 and I'm done because of this. Sad
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 9:52 am
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries about who is in charge. Your child has a strong personality - which is a blessing and something that can take her far in life B"EH - but at this point she needs a mother who sets limits. Have a discussion with her about the timing of bedtime, and the routine you will follow. Perhaps discuss some natural consequences if needed (if you tell Mommy too much about turning/not turning the page, we will have to close the book and skip story-time for tonight. This is how Mommy does back rubs. If you keep telling Mommy how to do it Mommy will have to skip tonight's massage....).

The important thing is to remain firm, loving, AND calm while setting these boundaries.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 10:06 am
I disagree. I think that when a child is exhibiting controlling behaviors, they feel out of control in the majority of their lives and feel they need to exhibit control wherever they can. They can seem bossy, pushy, and even a bit ocd. Find out what is bothering her. Does she have a teacher or camp counselor that orders her around and makes her feel like she is a prisoner? Do you parent in a way that doesn't give room for choices? Is there a possibility of abuse? In any case, the remedy for the overly-controlling child is NOT more rules. That will likely exasperate the issue. Rather, shower her with love, sensitivity, and choices. Also, try to give her one on one time where you can talk about her feelings of various caretakers. You want her to open up about what is bothering her. I would suggest a regular date with her at least once a week out of the house and leave the others with your husband or babysitter.
Yes, some kids are very independent. But it doesn't looks like it is done with anger--they should be calm about it. Anger, frustration, and an almost OCD looking will to be independent is often indictment of an underlying out-of-control, helpless feeling.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 10:20 am
I hear you. It happens that I have a child with a strong personality, so I could be misreading the OP...but her child sounds alot like mine. I have received alot of help/advice from experienced behavioral specialists. I don't believe there is need to jump to conclusions that a 4 year old is being mistreated or something is bothering her just because they are asserting that strong personality, though it's worth checking out. All kids do need to learn to accept authority, to function within certain behavioral parameters, etc...and some kids do not learn this naturally. Setting boundaries helps a child feel secure. A child without a calm, firm, loving parent (not controlling - but balanced) will feel helpless and out of control, even if the child is not being abused, controlled, or mistreated.

So setting boundaries with a bedtime routine, for example, will ensure that the child gets to enjoy the bedtime routine without frustrations and power-struggles setting in. It makes for pleasant one-on-one time between the parent and the child.

I agree about parenting with lots of choices. It's actually something I implement wherever possible - my child has been choosing her own clothes since she could speak, decides what she will eat for breakfast, etc... wherever possible we phrase things with choices (would you like A or B instead of it's time for A or B) but there are areas where we also teach her about accepting authority and the consequences when boundaries are not respected.

I also agree with one-on-one time with your child and giving lots of attention. I still maintain that a child has to learn/must be taught appropriate behaviors.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 4:13 pm
Chayalle wrote:
I hear you. It happens that I have a child with a strong personality, so I could be misreading the OP...but her child sounds alot like mine. I have received alot of help/advice from experienced behavioral specialists. I don't believe there is need to jump to conclusions that a 4 year old is being mistreated or something is bothering her just because they are asserting that strong personality, though it's worth checking out. All kids do need to learn to accept authority, to function within certain behavioral parameters, etc...and some kids do not learn this naturally. Setting boundaries helps a child feel secure. A child without a calm, firm, loving parent (not controlling - but balanced) will feel helpless and out of control, even if the child is not being abused, controlled, or mistreated.

So setting boundaries with a bedtime routine, for example, will ensure that the child gets to enjoy the bedtime routine without frustrations and power-struggles setting in. It makes for pleasant one-on-one time between the parent and the child.

I agree about parenting with lots of choices. It's actually something I implement wherever possible - my child has been choosing her own clothes since she could speak, decides what she will eat for breakfast, etc... wherever possible we phrase things with choices (would you like A or B instead of it's time for A or B) but there are areas where we also teach her about accepting authority and the consequences when boundaries are not respected.

I also agree with one-on-one time with your child and giving lots of attention. I still maintain that a child has to learn/must be taught appropriate behaviors.


I agree!
This book has been a big help- lifesaver actually! I wish I'd have read it when my child was 4.
https://www.amazon.com/Setting.....child
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 5:25 pm
I'm with Chayalle.

But my first reaction was, "you mean, you lucked into 3 easy kids before this?"
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amother
Copper


 

Post Fri, Jun 24 2016, 6:15 pm
My child is not yet 3 but sounds the same... Read this book, then this one. (Own choice of books). Then read #2 again. Now it's Shema time and not a minute before when I tried.

I tried setting boundaries but it doesn't work. Just screams and whines and won't go to bed. I said I will leave if you don't stop screaming. Screams. So I leave. More screams.
AHHHHH!
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Goldie613




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2016, 1:31 am
Are you objecting to what she's asking for, or how she's asking for it? Meaning, is it her requests that are bothering you, or the fact that she is asking in a demanding way?

I guess I'm just wondering if you would feel better about the whole thing if you insisted that she ask nicely before you complied with her requests. For example, if she doesn't want you to turn the page yet, you could remind her to say "please", or tell her "I'd be happy to give you another minute with this page, but you need to ask nicely."

And yes, some kids have a VERY specific idea of what bedtime should look like. If the requests aren't completely unreasonable it's often better to just go along with it. She needs her baby dolls under the covers? Fine. Her blanket tucked around her only after storytime is finished? No problem. Bedtime an hour later than you'd like? Ha - nice try kiddo, but no.

I guess I'm saying decide what's worth fussing over and have all requests be asked in a kavodik way, and see if you can handle it better that way.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Sun, Jun 26 2016, 1:53 am
amother wrote:
I know it isn't her fault, it must be mine, but I find that all the relaxing and bonding moments just get ruined. Take bedtime for example. Instead of us sitting together, reading a story, singing, shema etc. she is busy ordering me around - hold my hand like this, rub my back like this, hold the book like this, turn the page, don't turn the page, I'm ready for shema, I'm not ready for shema. It's just exhausting! What am I doing wrong?

It sounds like you have a very specific idea of what relaxing and bonding with your daughter should look like. It's no surprise that a child of yours does as well Wink It's probably a good idea to learn to meet each other in the middle, and since you are the adult you are the one who can model that by going first.

At a calm time, not bedtime, you can initiate a conversation about how you would like bedtime to be a happier and more relaxing time so let's plan how bedtime will go so everyone will know in advance. Then ask her how she would like to do bedtime. If that's acceptable to you, great. If not, make a counteroffer, and so on until you have something you both can live with. Make sure to discuss all of your important issues so they won't cause a problem at actual bedtime (I would like to hold the book in whatever way is comfortable for me, or , show me how you would like me to hold the book, if you're up for negotiating on that, but don't leave it out of the plan if it's an issue).

Shortly before bedtime, you'll remind her that tonight you are going to start your new bedtime routine that you planned together. Give it a go, and if she tries to veer from the plan remain calm and remind her gently that that's not what you planned together. "No, sweetie, remember what we planned? We'll read one story, I will give you a backrub just the way you like it, we will sing XX song, say Shema etc." Give it a few days. If it still doesn't go smoothly, bring it up for another discussion to discuss the specific issues that are not working out. This may take time but the process of negotiating a compromise is an important skill for a child to learn, particularly a strong-willed child. And also a strong-willed mom. Wink In the long run it's better for both of you than continuing the way things are now and letting her boss you around or imposing your will on her without taking her into account at all.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Mon, Jun 27 2016, 10:33 am
amother wrote:
I agree!
This book has been a big help- lifesaver actually! I wish I'd have read it when my child was 4.
https://www.amazon.com/Setting.....child


I've actually begun implementing this method in the past month or so, so it could be this is just the natural way of her getting used to it.

I don't think it is necessarily me being too rigid or wanting her to ask nicely, it is the fact that making demands - or even pleasant requests every 10-30 seconds during the routine just makes the whole process stressful. If she would have a specific request, I don't mind doing things her way. She gets to choose her stories, she gets to choose if she sits next to me or sits on my lap. But then, if she is jumping on and off my lap every minute or two. Deciding after reading 2 pages that she really wanted a different book, and then tantrum-ming because I'm firm about not letting her choose a different book once we've started etc...

I was watching her over the past few days, and I think its more likely an adjustment to the new discipline techniques than anything else. Stressful, but hopefully temporary.
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