How Can I Say These Two Things Nicely?

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 10:50 am

I just read the thread about people being mean, so please help me out here..

1) We are scheduled to stay with my in-laws for a week or two this summer. DD has major emotional problems, some of which they know about but most of which they aren't aware of. For various reasons her weight has been climbing recently but her doctor (whom we trust implicitly) made it very clear that we should NOT mention anything about her eating or weight because that's the least of her troubles now. MIL is not the most tactful person and has been hurtful about my weight in the past. This past chol hamoed DD told me she was hurt when MIL said to her at the table, "I'm not giving you another portion, do you want to blow up?" How can I tell her to close her mouth and not make comments to DD? She really thinks she's helping, and getting dh to tell her anything is like talking to a brick wall, so I have to do the dirty work. I'll admit that I can be sharp and hurtful to her when she starts with my kids and just not visiting is out of the question because dh wont just not go. How can I get this message across to her and enforce it if she doesn't listen?

2) I rent a pool on Sundays to take DS (12 yrs old) swimming. He's taken some friends in the past and I supervise them. This week a family on the block asked if their boys can join and I said yes without hesitating. DS is always nice and agreeable to people so I was very surprised that he was angry I had said yes. I lectured and bribed him and we ended up taking those kids along. They were soooooo annoying, constantly tattling on the other kids, whining to me about how other kids aren't being nice, and just being in my face to discipline everyone to make nice the whole time. I never want to take them again!! I have no energy nor patience and it's not my business to discipline DS's friends and if you can't get along with people, stay home. I'm new to the neighborhood, I have no time or interest in making new friends or getting involved and hearing the mother complain to me. In the few minutes this year that I've spent outside I've overheard her lecture another mother about safety. I'm not depriving DS and the other kids of swimming but I refuse to take her kids along. How can I tell her nicely that her kids are not welcome and I won't take them again?

TIA for helping me filter Very Happy

cnc

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 10:55 am

groisamomma wrote:

1) can you have a conversation with your MIL.in advance going her a heads up to please not mention anything to DD about her weight? Or is she the type that will just say whatever she wants anyways...?

2) can you tell the mom with a very friendly attitude that it didn't really work out so well last time and you're not sure that you can take other kids this time? (That's only going to work assuming that you didn't tell her how amazing it worked out right after you came.back!)

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:07 am

cnc wrote:

1) Yep, she's exactly that type!

2) I still plan to take DS's original friends from the block. It wouldn't be fair to DS not to. I don't think he should have to swim alone just because other kids he never plays with want to tag along.

glamourmom

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:37 am

amother wrote:

Tell MIL in advance that your daughter is getting medical care if she says one word, or even raises an eyebrow, you are never coming back. In fact, if you and dd could stay behind in the first place, that would be even better.

The whiny kids can come but only if their mom comes along to supervise. Frame it as a safety issue (too many kids for one adult) and a nice way to get to know her.

Good luck!

great advice.

not sure how zero tolerance is implemented but that's what you need with your MIL. she absolutely cannot say a thing. she's the grandmother. it's none of her business.

glamourmom

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:53 am

groisamomma wrote:

I hate keep throwing cold water because these ideas are really great but even if there's zero tolerance with MIL, DH would never dream of leaving early; his father would be so hurt!

Also, I'm not interested in her coming along to keep other kids in line. And frankly, I have no interest in getting to know her. I wish people would be thankful when others include their kids once instead of asking when we're going again as if I want to take their kids along again!

it's a tough situation. is it possible for you and DD to leave early if the need arises? if not, don't threaten to leave. a consequence is only useful if it can be carried thru.

are there any other "threats" you can use on her?

heidi

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 11:57 am

As someone who grew up in a neighborhood with lots of swimming pools, I wouldn't take too many kids at one time. Just tell your neighbor that you cannot take her whiny kids again. Too dangerous. The end. Period. Smile.

I don't know what red lines you have with your DH as regards to your MIL. I would call MIL before the visit and explain that without invading DD's privacy, she is going through a hard time and it would be very hurtful to her to be criticized about anything. And then I would tell MIL and DH that the first critical comment made by MIL, DD and I are leaving. Rest of family can come home at their convenience.

But that's just me.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:15 pm

SS6099 wrote:

I would blame it on DS. Not always are kids in the mood of company and I see nothing wrong if you tell the mom that your son prefers to go only with the original smaller group. Period. Would that work?

This sounds good. She picked up the first time that DS wasn't happy her kids were coming but I reassured her (without knowing his reasons!) that he's about to learn how to go out of his way for others. I had no idea her kids would grate on my nerves to such a degree. I think I'll just tell her what you said, that the pool was too crowded and DS prefers a smaller group. Last time was nice but I want to be fair to DS too. Oh yes, and smile.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:19 pm

Your mother in law seems like a hard case... can you tell her the Dr is helping u handle this (not infront of DD) and that your DD will b hurt if she says anything. ?
My grandmother did that to my sister as well, and my mom would say, in a calm but firm voice, that is not your place, we are handling it.
It resulted in me and other siblings catching on over tine and chiming in how it was hurtful and she stopped.
She needs boundaries, and if embarrassing her is the only way... it will also give ur DD the feeling of support and will help the hurt a little.
As for ur DS and other boys, u can tell the mom that it didnt work out last time...?

glamourmom

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:20 pm

groisamomma wrote:

I wouldn't tell her last time was nice. in case you need to come back to the fact that it was not nice. leave it out. she may try to convince you to change your mind and you might need to use this.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 12:21 pm

Seas wrote:

Threats are by definition not 'speaking nicely'. The easiest and best way is to keep it short and to the point. Tell your MIL something along the lines of "DD gets really upset when people comment about her weight, so please make sure you don't say anything. Rest assured that we are taking care of it."

Tell your neighbour, "Sorry it was just too hard and I won't be able to take them."

I hear your point about threats and I've done that in the past but she never learns. She thinks she's helping us take care of it.

MIL doesn't really follow my work schedule during the summer and sometimes I need to drive in for a day or two to work. If she hurts DD this way I think I'll just tell her I'm going in for work and taking DD with me for company during the car ride. Hate to say it but I may just tell DH that too because he'd never agree for me to leave under bad circumstances. Then I can just get too tired out to drive back for the next few days. It wouldn't hurt me to spend a few days alone with DD either.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:07 pm

amother wrote:

It seems to me you are between a rock and a hard place with your DH. The smartest thing to do would be to avoid spending time with your MIL altogether.

You may have to choose between hurting your FIL and allowing your child to be hurt. If you frame it this way, how do you think DH would respond?

Hugs. Its an awkward position.

Not a shred of doubt he'd choose his father. I severed the relationship I had with my mother when she took to emotional abuse with my kids. It was literally destroying my 10 yr old DD piece by piece. DH is too busy avoiding confrontation with his parents to put the kids first. He says he will, next time, but push came to shove a few times already and he always found a way to rationalize their behavior and make the kids feel stupid that they even felt offended in the first place.

Staying home would be ideal but never going to happen. I'm entertaining the thought of going for just one weekend and leaving this particular DD with my sibling.

groisamomma

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 1:10 pm

amother wrote:

Words, however truthful, still hurt no matter how much I stick up for DD after the fact. It will be so damaging for her if MIL slips up, and I have reason to believe she will. I just hate to even put DD in that vulnerable place to begin with Sad