How Can I Say These Two Things Nicely?

amother

Beige

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 6:36 pm

Our DS was pretty challenging as a youngster and my parents would make all kinds of comments.

I finally told them that we're working on this issues in various ways but their comments are very counter-productive, and that I can't have them here if they continue to make comments.

However, I had 100% backing from DH, so this was quite different than your case.

I like your plan of not taking your DD, but I also like the plan of discussing it with the therapist. And then you and the therapist could discuss with DD if she wants to go or not. It should certainly be her choice if she might have difficulty dealing with your MIL.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 8:23 pm

I don't know.. I think your DH is the bigger problem here. Your DD is a child but your DH is an adult. Why won't he stand up to his mother for his child's pain? I feel like he needs to figure out why he has such a hard time with this. If your DD would know that she has the backing of both parents, that if MIL says anything out of line, that you'd act upon your threat to leave, then I think she'd have much more confidence in herself.

2cents

Mon, Jul 04 2016, 9:44 pm

amother wrote:

I don't know.. I think your DH is the bigger peoblem here. Your DD is a child but your DH is an adult. Why won't he stand up to his mother for his child's pain? I feel like he needs to figure out why he has such a hard time with this. If your DD would know that she has the backing of both parents, that if MIL says anything out of line, that you'd act upon your threat to leave, then I think she'd have much more confidence in herself.

I agree. My sister had am eating disorder and emotional issues that were exasperated by my grandparents making well meaning comments about her appearance. Years later she still has to prepare herself before seeing them and often has setbacks when she does.

As parents, your first obligation is to your daughter. To paraphrase r'aharon shechter, your only obligation is to be m'kaved your parents, the obligation of being m'gadel your kids is a bigger obligation.

greenfire

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 7:32 am

just be direct to your mil before you get there ... we are working with our daughter - we are her parents - you are NOT to make any comments about the way she looks or eats or anything ... doctors orders

as for the the boys & the pool ... you have your own kids that you need to care about - sometimes extra is just that - and it loses the FUN of focusing on your own son's needs

don't make any excuses - just state the facts: it did not work out so you won't be able to accommodate her kids ...

they can rent their own pool

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 7:50 am

Personally I think it's okay for kids to know, at some point, that adults in their lives are not perfect. If a grandmother is making hurtful comments to her granddaughter (but is otherwise a lovely, caring person), it's okay for kids to know that it's not okay to make hurtful comments to anyone, and that when Bubby does that validate that it's not okay. Tell your kids that people who hurt other people are not in the right. Tell her that yes, Bubby loves you but for whatever reason she thinks it's okay to say these types of things, but really it's not.

Groissa, I'm very taken with this comment:

groisamamma wrote:

People are offended if you get close and then can't be there for them.

This is so insightful. Something I really struggle with, because like you said, people get offended if you can't pull thru for them in whatever way they want, when they feel you should because of whatever relationship they have with you. They don't know what's going on in your life, and don't see why you can't be there in the way they want you to be.

kjb

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 3:34 pm

I would tell your MIL that the doctor told you that it was VERY important that your DD not hear negative things about her weight right because of her xyz other problems. Make her feel included in the plan rather than criticised. You might even say that you too have concerns about DD's weight gain but have decided that not commenting on it is the best way to go because of what the doctor told you. I think even the most difficult MIL would find it hard to go against medical advice.

As far as the unpleasant boys are concerned, tell the mother that you can't take them again because you found it impossible to manage so may children safely. If she raises any objections tell her that you really don't mean to be critical, and her boys are lovely kids, but you did find them particularly hard to manage. And then politely end the conversation without being drawn into details.

Soul on fire

Thu, Jul 07 2016, 7:23 am

1) I would talk to MIL ahead of time and tell her that the DR said under no circumstances is her weight or her food choices to mentioned in front of her. It relates to a medical issue and it is not to be discussed at all.

2) I would just say that I'm sorry but it was just too much for you to add extra children and you won't be able to do it again. Or you can say that the kids really didn't all get alone well.