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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Am I expecting too much?
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 05 2016, 5:16 pm
I agree thag watching the sinlings for an hour on shabbos is not "raising them", but I also feel strongly that its not her job to do. The way it reads is that you have each kid take a shift, so you and dh get a nice long break. Heck - you even listed the times that you watch them. Umm... They are your kids. Of course you watch them when dh is at shul friday night and early shabbos morning. Maybe you can think of another job for them to do on shabbos - sleeping till lunch isnt nice either. If she WANTS to babysit on shabbos, kol hakavod to her. But this particular thing isnt owed to you by anyone other than dh.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 11:16 am
I have a teenager the same age, work from home, and have little ones so I can really relate. I have the opposite issue, I am afraid that I work my teen too much. I think I do tend to overwork her, but, if she has an opportunity to go hang out with friends then I would not stop her. although if I had a work crunch and my DH was not around and she was my only available dd babysitter - I do have younger teens that can also help - then I would consider holding her back from hanging out with friends but my preference would be to put the kids to sleep and stay up late doing my work. I value socializing and would not want to keep her from her friends. On the other hand, if she was sitting around reading a book or playing computer games then I would not hesitate having her babysit.
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kollel wife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 12:20 pm
I think it's very normal for an older daughter who slept late to babysit Shabbos afternoon. Even for three hours in my opinion!!

Also, in a household, where there's laundry, cooking, shopping, serving meals, cleaning up, etc, each child is benefiting from that work that's being done. They may not therefore be able to do THEIR SHARE of each of these things. So it is normal that each child should help with household tasks since they benefit from them.

I don't even mean from a chinuch point of view, but from a practical point of view. The mother shouldn't have to wash, fold, put away that teenagers clothes, really, just since the laundry is combined - it ends up the mother is doing it all. Same thing with shopping and cooking and cleaning up. Each one who's capable should be pulling their weight in some way or other.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 12:40 pm
goodmorning wrote:
Helping with siblings during a crunch time so that her mother can work (and presumably earn the money to pay for that expensive seminary tuition!) is not called "helping as part of the family"?

.

Is this a joke?
Now a 17 year old has to be responsible for her mother's parnasa?
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 1:11 pm
heidi wrote:
Is this a joke?
Now a 17 year old has to be responsible for her mother's parnasa?


No, but a 17 year old is old enough to understand that Seminary is a luxury and if her mother can't complete her work, she might not be able to afford to send her to seminary.

OP, my kids are still young, but some kids just resent helping more than others. I would try to avoid asking her to do bedtime because bedtime is definitely tough and I don't think that's fair to her.

Can you arrange to not work in the evenings and work again once the kids are all in bed? Sure, it means you stay up later, but it doesn't sound like depending on your daughter works well in your family.

Also, is there any way she can pitch in that will help you but that won't affect her social life? Maybe there's another chore she can do to free up your time but that won't impact hers? I would sit down and talk to her about that, especially because she has a part time job now so she definitely has plenty of free time!
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 1:28 pm
I like the idea of paying her to babysit, especially if it's on a frequent basis. As others said it wasn't her choice to have so many younger siblings.
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sweetpotato




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 1:39 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
I like the idea of paying her to babysit, especially if it's on a frequent basis. As others said it wasn't her choice to have so many younger siblings.


But this assumes that were she an only child, she'd be sitting around with infinite leisure time, without any responsibility placed on her whatsoever by her parents. I think most of us can agree that children should be raised with some household responsibilities, appropriate to their ages and the needs of the family. It's reasonable for a parent to decide: at age 17, I want DD to have 3 hours of "family help" tasks per week, or some such. That shouldn't change whether the child has many siblings or few siblings--just the specific tasks/responsibilities might change. An only child should contribute to the family as well, to a similar degree.

There's a difference between a parent saying "I'm so overwhelmed, I have so many kids and work to do, I deserve/need my older children to pick up the slack" vs. saying "It's important for my older kids to learn responsibility and how to help and contribute in the family so that's why I give them these responsibilities."

This is a huge ongoing part of chinuch. We have a mitzvah of kibbud av v'eim. How will children learn that if they aren't given opportunities to do so?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 2:04 pm
sweetpotato wrote:
But this assumes that were she an only child, she'd be sitting around with infinite leisure time, without any responsibility placed on her whatsoever by her parents. I think most of us can agree that children should be raised with some household responsibilities, appropriate to their ages and the needs of the family. It's reasonable for a parent to decide: at age 17, I want DD to have 3 hours of "family help" tasks per week, or some such. That shouldn't change whether the child has many siblings or few siblings--just the specific tasks/responsibilities might change. An only child should contribute to the family as well, to a similar degree.

There's a difference between a parent saying "I'm so overwhelmed, I have so many kids and work to do, I deserve/need my older children to pick up the slack" vs. saying "It's important for my older kids to learn responsibility and how to help and contribute in the family so that's why I give them these responsibilities."

This is a huge ongoing part of chinuch. We have a mitzvah of kibbud av v'eim. How will children learn that if they aren't given opportunities to do so?


Double like!

I have two teen DD's and they have one little sister. She's 8, so there's not that much they have to do in terms of watching and taking care of her.

Because of this, I encourage my DD's to babysit for neighbors and friends. Babysitting has provided them with invaluable experience and preparation for when they will B"EH be mothers (while also providing them with steady pocket money and savings for their future). I can't give them childcare opportunities and preparation myself, but I don't want them to feel inadequately prepared. I consider this to be an important part of their Chinuch.

If I had younger kids at home, I would expect them to pitch in as appropriate with the younger kids. This teaches them responsibility, empathy, coping skills, overcoming selfishness, etc...often a sibling can teach a child more about life than parents can. This is for them and their future, not just for me.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 2:27 pm
Well op already stated that her dd watches the young kids shabbos afternoon, babysits on some other occasions, and folds the laundry (for a family of 10?) which could easily take 3 hours. I've seen episodes of the duggars show, and they have that philosophy, that their older kids are in charge of the younger. They walk around holding hands while they teens hold babies and push strollers. I find that unfair tbh.

Chayalah, you encourage your teens to babysit neighbors for free?
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 06 2016, 2:31 pm
I wouldn't say to always babysit for free but if you know your neighbor has limited funds and she is anyways asking you to come babysit sleeping kids or some other very easy job, why can't there be some chessed involved with babysitting?
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