Struggling with chutzpa - 4 year old boy. Please advise!

amother

Peach

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 8:21 pm

My 4 y.o. boy is very precocious and verbal, b'h. However, he can be extremely chutzpadik and I have no idea how to respond.

For example, if I don't let him have a lot of playtime in the bath: "You're a mean mommy and I hope that you die soon. I'm not going to do anything you tell me to do and I'll tell everyone else to ignore you because you are disgusting."
He also threatens me a lot. Eg: "If you don't let me play in the bath then I will throw all the bath toys on the floor and you'll slip and hurt yourself."
My younger children then parrot him.

I tell him that when he talks to me like this I can't give him special treats and withdraw certain things, like a bed time book or new toy.
I feel terrible because he is really upset and I don't know if he realizes how to stop. Oh, and it's extremely ineffective too.
This is probably all normal kid behavior but I don't know how to respond. Please help.

amother

Blush

Tue, Jul 05 2016, 9:48 pm

I don't know if it is really chutzpah. Its a child expressing himself and not knowing the correct way. Its a skill for a child to be able to express themselves. Chutzpah is such a general term and most likely your son isn't even sure which part is wrong.

I wish I was good about this - but what I try to do:

- Emphasize, no reaction, and get him moving - "I'm so sorry you think I'm a mean mommy. You sound upset. Lets get into the bath" and then move him to the bath.

- Discuss later - After the event is over, like bedtime, explain that what you said hurt mommy. Its upsetting to have to stop playing. How can we say it next time. And see if you can try out different scenarios.

HelloG

Wed, Jul 06 2016, 11:48 am

Don't make it a power struggle. When it comes to power children always have more power. Even if you think you are a strong mommy. Simply because they didn't work on their middos yet.
Think about what he is gaining from behaving this way. Attention? Then give it to him in different ways but not while he is behaving negatively because then the negative behavior becomes a catalyst for attention in his mind.
Is it power over you that he is gaining? That he can make you freak out and get lost? Then simply don't do this..
I would probably stay chilled and not even cajole into good behavior. Simply let the moment pass without any reaction. It'll definitely no doubt be hard at first.
Putting all this aside, may I suggest you join parenting classes? Or start off by listening to cd's. You will go to sleep at night with a lighter heart knowing that you did your best and following a program with a method makes you feel less lost in the moment.

saw50st8

Wed, Jul 06 2016, 1:04 pm

amother wrote:

I would advise rephrasing what he is saying to you in a more appropriate way, and encouraging him to repeat it in a nicer way. This technique takes lots of time and be require a lot of patience, but modeling more effective communication will eventually help him independently express himself this way.

We do this too. For example, with the bath:

"Mommy hears that you are sad because you want to stay in the bath and play longer. You sound mad that you don't have more time."

Probably followed by "You are a doodyhead" or something else they picked up in school.

We also say "Let's try that again. Did you mean to say that you are upset that you don't have enough time in the bath?"

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 06 2016, 1:48 pm

As others have posted, this is normal, age/appropriate responses. Of course, you want to try to teach him better ways of expressing himself, but no need to get all worried about chutzpah.

I used to use humor with some of these incidents. I remember a particular conversation with my DD, now almost 18, when she was about 4 or so. I had said no to something or other that she wanted, so she told me she was going to throw me into the lake (I live in Lakewood) and chop me up into a million pieces.

I asked her if she was planning to cook supper and do the laundry.

She stopped in her tracks, and said it could be after supper and laundry.

I asked what about breakfast tomorrow.

She changed tracks and told me that she's upset that I said no, even though we could forget about the lake....

I explained that it would be better to explain her feelings in the first place.

With my youngest DD, I learned a bit about role playing with objects, from a friend of mine. I had two little lego mentchies whom I named Perry and Raizy (I chose names that we don't use IRL for any relatives, neighbors, etc...) Perry was always the mentchie modeling good behavior, and Raizy was basically a parrot of whatever DD said/did.

So when DD was expressing herself with "chutzpah" I would pull out Raizy and say you know what Raizy said to her Mommy? She said I won't listen to you, etc....we need to put Raizy in time out until she can learn to say things nicely, etc....

DD would dutifully - actually gleefully - put Raizy under the table for timeout.

Then out came Perry, who said nicely to Mommy that she wants more (whatever it is DD wanted at the time) using please and thank you.....sometimes Mommy said no and Perry accepted this, etc....We'd discuss possible benefits to acting like Perry (Perry got to play a game with her Mommy before bedtime, which we'd then go set up with various lego pieces, etc...).

It really worked wonders with DD.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 06 2016, 4:06 pm

I've said it before, and I'll say it with my dying breath - four is the HARDEST YEAR! If you can live through this, you've got it made.

Kids are starting the healthy phase of differentiating themselves as individuals. They will not express this in nice ways, but it means that they are realizing that they are separate people, and not just an extension of you and daddy. They only way they can do this is through defiance.

I'll never forget when 4yo DD told me "I hate you! You are a bad mother!" To my credit, I was expecting this sooner or later, and just thought to myself "Well, here it is. We've hit that stage."

I said to her "You sound really angry. I know you hate me right now, but I love you anyway, and I will love you no matter what you say to me." That totally shocked her back to reality and stopped the tantrum. Once she was calm, we could talk about what was really bothering her, and brainstorm together on ways that would make things work for both of us.

ETA: After that episode, she crawled into my lap and said "I don't really hate you. I was just mad. I'm sorry." I accepted her apology and gave her lots of snuggles. She never said it again.