Teen dd - any therapist on imamother

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 7:34 am

I posted the other day teen dd on travel camp- not happy- day 2 not much better. she says girls are not friendly. She says they have made it clear that they have no interest in making other friends. Spoke to director after first day, who said don't worry. Day 2- looked like she had fun on the trip they went on, but then said it was only her and 2 other girls and no one else included them. I said 2 is better than none. Then I got a bunch of texts from her , how she can't find her pajamas and then a skirt is missing- slowly spiraling out of control. The girls in her hotel room did not try to help her look for her stuff, they just told her they did not see it and went on talking. She does not want to speak to the director or counselors. They went to a Walmart which should have been fun and had a scavenger hunt. She said it was just her and one other girl- who may be spiraling down as well.
The texts I was getting last night were, I can't do this... having panic attack, having an anxiety attack... I am done...
She says she went up to all the other girls to join in, but they have ignored her.

Do I tell her- sorry stick it out- I am worried that she will have some kind of serious mental breakdown. Which it looks like that already.
If I bring her home- where there is nothing to do for her here- (she has only one or 2 friends here- the rest of her friends are all from camps she went to in the past.) will she never leave the house again. She is the type of girl who needs friends...
Am at a losss........

imasinger

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 9:55 am

I'm not a therapist, but I have had teens in this situation.

Please encourage her to talk to an adult there. It sounds to me like she should be rooming with the two nice girls.

If, in the end, it's not going to work, at least she will know that she tried every reasonable strategy to make the situation work.

And if you do think further about bringing her home, please keep in mind that havng only 1 or 2 friends around and being bored is probably less destructive than a full session of being bullied/ostracized. (The pajamas business does sound a bit like bullying).

Poor kid.

For the future -- as an OOT'er, when choosing a camp, I always check out whether the camp girls tend to be welcoming of kids like my DD's. It matters a whole lot more than the activities on the agenda.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 9:58 am

I'm not a therapist, but I am the mother of two teen girls. I saw your post and it's very painful to be sidelined. However it's only a day or two into camp, am I right? Some questions to ask yourself is, does your daughter have strong social skills, such that she can make new friends in this situation? Does she project a confident image, or is she looking needy to the girls (everyone stop what you are doing to help me find my stuff....can come across as needy to teens, and will not necessarily win her popularity). Does she know how to have patience, or are her expectations such that she gets frustrated quickly when not seeing immediate results?

I don't know what's best for your daughter at this point. Can she stay and make friends, or will staying make her miserable? Is switching to a camp she's been happy in in the past an option?

ETA: If there is actual bullying going on, like girls taking her stuff and then putting it back, being deliberately hurtful...the camp needs to take responsibility and address the issue. If they don't, they are not a responsible, healthy environment and I would pull out.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 10:29 am

Thanks all- Since it is a travel camp- the same girls don't back every year- so it is partially luck. I did speak to an oot who went last year and she loved it!
DD is outgoing and friendly and says she tried to talk to every girl already- she puts on a smile and you can not tell that she is miserable. The sense that I am getting is that the girls came thinking they were going to vacation together etc. and my dd came thinking I amhere to make new friends.
Of the 2 nice girls, one is not happy at all either and I think is a real debbie downer- so hanging out with her I think will separate dd more from the group. The other girl is nice except she came with another girl who supposedly is not so nice.

Of course this is also a totally second thought and dd's health comes first, but ugh what a waste of money and then to send her to another camp... camp is not cheap.
Waiting to hear back from the director.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 10:38 am

You're right about it being a bit of luck in terms of the girls, but I think the camp director and staff have to take some responsibility as well in terms of the atmosphere they create, workshops they may give on middos, achdus, etc...

Sending your kid to camp is not just about the activities, as imasinger has posted...it's about the people running the program. When I send my teen to camp, I check into the whole situation to see if it's a place I trust with my child for a whole month.

Travel camps hasn't been an option for my girls (too expensive) but I have friends who have sent....and I will say they are not all equal. I know that one is run by a woman who taught one of my sisters - and she's a fabuolous role model, someone I'd totally trust with my daughters. I once saw an advertisement for another teen camp, and it's run by someone I was in high school with, and I would never send my child to any program she runs. She was bullying/favorites-choosing back then, and one of my sisters worked for her a few years ago, and let's say she hasn't changed much.

Checking out the staff of a program is very important. These are the adults you are trusting with your child. They create the atmosphere. Are they relying on luck, or do they actively promote a program where they do their best to ensure that everyone is included, and try to reach every camper to give them their money's worth? Are they all into the in-town, preppy girls, or do they reach out to each camper to try to help her enjoy?

glamourmom

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 11:18 am

op, I wouldn't say that you made a bad choice. it's too early on to tell. most camps have bullying and cliques and most girls go thru similar challenges at some point. I've been there not too long ago. she's only 2 days in. with effort from you and your DD things can turn around.
loads of luck to you both. it's really hard and painful. we're rooting for you.

amother

Red

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 12:19 pm

Thanks- just spoke to the director again- dd is putting on a really good show. The director could not tell that dd was so unhappy- she said she knows some of the girls from before and it seems they are all vying for top dog and not acting how she knows them. She took everyone's cellphones hoping that will make a difference. She says I should wait through the weekend and then talk again to make a game plan if things are not better.

amother

Indigo

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 12:56 pm

I am not a therapist, but have taught teenage girls for many years. You sound like a really caring mother. It definitely sounds like a rough situation for your DD. Still, I would encourage her to stick it out a little longer. Social dynamics of teenage girls tend to go through lots of changes in short periods of time, and you never know what could happen if you give it a little more time. OTOH, if it doesn't get better, you might really want to consider bringing her home so that she doesn't have a really bad experience that will have longer-term effects on her.

Perhaps if you tell her that you are willing to consider bringing her home, but only if she gives it another __________ (week? 5 days?), she will see you are taking her seriously and that you don't just want her to struggle all summer because you spent a lot of money, and she will be able to try it out without spending her energy convincing you to bring her home. Things really could turn around - I have seen it happen in these tyees of situations - and if they don't, at least you (and she) will know you gave it a bit more time.

Also, I agree with the idea of encouraging her to speak to an adult there. Creating that type of connection can take off some of the stress of the situation and help her navigate better than you can from far away.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 08 2016, 12:59 pm

amother wrote:

So it sounds like the staff is trying to work with the group, which is good.

My DD just left to camp last Tuesday. They are not allowed to bring cell phones, and they are not allowed to get calls until this afternoon - Erev Shabbos. I can't help thinking it's not a bad idea on their part - gives the girls time to adjust without worrying their parents during the process.....

amother

Red

Sun, Jul 10 2016, 8:44 am

live long and prosper or is he mind melding with the phone (ok not spock, but could'nt think of anything clever that Piquard always says, except for "make it so number one")ha ha!
Thanks so much for all of the great advice and encouragement!

Got a text after Shabbos- that things were looking better! But then this morning she said at the motzai Shabbos activity it was back to being ignored. They are going to an amusement park today, but doesn't go on wild rides and so she is back to the same 2 girls she was with at first- it seems one of them is more miserable than she is- so that doesn't help cheer up the mood. I suggested she walk around with the other girls and not go on those rides and she said camp rule is you can't do that- you have to always be doing what your group is doing. so I texted the directors to see what can be done- I was so happy for her last night and felt I could actually breath for a minute- back to feeling sick now. Plus dd says she has no faith in the directors and feels they can't help her- big problem!

Chayalle- can I pm u?

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 14 2016, 8:02 pm

op here- just to follow up and for me to have a place to vent-we did not really hear much from dd all weak- just a few pics- which I thought was odd, but was hoping for the best. Heard from her last night- not much has gotten better- she is trying to make the most of the adventure and not the people. She says they are inconsiderate, "fake(talk one way in public and then back in the room are not using the nicest language, listening to secular music - which annoys her more because of the "frum" act that they put on. She is not confident in the directors capabilities, for example 11 hour bus ride today and lunch was not given to the girls, they stopped at a shoprite and were expected to buy their own food( there was a kosher section). They did not buy extra water for the trip, just told the girls to make sure to fill up their water bottles. Stuff like that. I am so upset with myself that I put her in this situation (this was her second option for the summer, the first one was full very early in the year.)
All I want to do is scoop in and save her. Would that be teaching her to run everytime their is something she doesn't like. A week and a half until she comes home.. I offered her to come home- she said she would feel guilty because we spent so much money, but she says every day she wakes up and says, ugh- I am still here. But this could be a good lesson in learning to deal with things you don't like- but it seems so harsh- and summer should be fun!

imasinger

Thu, Jul 14 2016, 10:51 pm

Poor kid. Poor you. I'm sorry to hear that things are no better.

My hunch is that scooping her up might feel to her as if you see her as a child who needs Mommy to protect her. Given what she wrote to you, it might make more sense to repeatedly praise her courage and her efforts to find the silver lining in this cloud, to validate that it's them not her, to remind her of all the nice and genuine girls in her life who do like her, and to plan some especially nice outings when she gets back.

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 14 2016, 11:16 pm

imasinger wrote:

Thanks for the encouragement. Am also worried that she will be afraid to try something like this again... All the what ifs may crop up.