How to show love to a defiant, angry 10 yr old boy?

amother

Black

Sun, Jul 10 2016, 10:54 pm

My son is so very challenging. He is terribly chutzpadik, will not listen if I ask him to do (or not to do) something, he explodes in angry outbursts and wreaks havoc with his siblings. Recently he started saying very inappropriate words- sometimes when he's angry or at times when he is being silly and hyper. In short, he is causing us a lot of stress.

He is going for therapy but I honestly haven't seen that much of an improvement. Although, who knows if he would actually be even worse off if not for therapy? As parents we have reached out to professionals and people in chinuch for advice. There are no simple answers with him ....

We appreciate and encourage his talents and he is proud of them.

But I'm not sure that we are giving over the message that we love him. We certainly don't say it to him at this point. One reason being that he is older and the other reason is simply that he is not doing too many things that bring on the feeling of love. We let him know when we are proud but we are certainly letting him know way too often that we are disappointed. (like when he tells us to "shut up" or makes fun of his sister's stutter...) I do so many things that should show him that I care but perhaps since he is not a mature person he does not realize that we care about him. How can we feel loving and show him this love when he is usually difficult throughout the day? And can a defiant child grow up to be a stable adult without getting much love? What can we do to improve this?

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 12:11 am

I also have a challenging 10 yo boy. We're struggling with him being chutzpadick and fighting with his siblings. I reached out to a therapist for advice and she suggested a chart/reward system for him so he gets specific prizes for everyday he controls his mouth and behavior. It's been pretty effective. Obviously he is still a child and certain things are normal for this age. But hopefully this will change his behavior for the better so that he ends up a better adult iyH. As far as showing love, I know it's hard to show love to such a challenging kid! But I try to give him special privileges, treats, buy him special things he likes. Also of course hugs and kisses. Surprisingly he melts in my arms when I give him a hug. They're really still baby's at ten years old-even with the tough exterior-and crave love and affection.
I've implemented a special night time routine where I sit with him and he gets an extra good night hug and kiss and we sing a silly good night song that we made up. I really thought he was too old and tough for this routine but realized he still needs it.
Hatzlacha!

asmileaday

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 12:49 am

Have you read the explosive child book? Might give you a new perspective.

As far as showing love, try to take him out for a 1 on 1 activity. Bike riding, bowling, ice cream store etc...

If it's not possible to take him out perhaps try some one one time at home doing something with him that he enjoys. For example my 10 year old enjoys doing a paint by number with me. Or playing a card game. Or building something together (like ikea stuff that need to be put together).
If he has any interests and you can afford it, it would be great if you can send him for lessons. Music, art, woodworking, singing etc...
Good luck

slushiemom

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 4:45 am

I'm sorry, but what does that mean that you don't say I love you bc he's getting older? I can TOTALLY relate to every one of the behaviors you described, it exactly describes my 8 year old who was difficult since he was a baby and it gets worse and more difficult every year.

Believe me, he makes me so angry that I can't look at him sometimes, but I would never let a day go by, or have him go to sleep without telling him I love him and the reasons he's special and unique. Yes, even if earlier that day he called me an idiot, or worse. I just have to remember that this impulsive behavior is difficult for him also, and he KNOWS when he does something wrong.

I don't think you outgrow the need for a parent's love to be verbalized, I still hear it from my parents and in laws on a regular basis. I think if a vast majority of a parent/child interactions are negative, that will be very difficult for a child to recover from, or to have a positive relationship with the child as they get older.

Last edited by slushiemom on Mon, Jul 11 2016, 5:25 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 5:18 am

I'm anon and don't want to give much details because this forum is viewable to the public.

I deeply sympathize with your struggles. My DS was out of control since he was a toddler. (He's now a young adult, and I am still alive, yay and B"H) It's exhausting and depressing to parent this kind of child. It makes you doubt every move you make.

There's a saying that when kids are the least lovable that's when they need the most love.

I think you should tell your son that you love him on a regular basis, whether you feel that way or not. In retrospect, my DS did something very bad when he was a teen and I told him "you're my DS and I will always love you no matter what you do" Believe me, I was not feeling any love at all.

It's excellent that he is in therapy. Keep him there as long as you can as long you trust the therapist and the therapist says it's worthwhile. I say this mainly because at some point in the teen years he probably will not want to go, but if he has an established relationship with a therapist it may hold him there. Also, sorry to depress you but you have a long haul ahead of you - the teenage years do not pass quietly with these kids.

It's like fake it til you make it. You do really love him but you are exhausted and frustrated and worried. He needs to hear you say you love him (also from his father, very important for boys). You might want to consider therapy for yourself.

May Hashem send you strength to cope.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 5:34 am

Slushiemom and Babyblue amother are right. Kids are NEVER too old to need to hear "I love you." Even if they roll their eyes and walk away from you, the need to hear it. Even if they shove you away when you try to hug them, they need to know that at least you wanted to hug them. You can even toss off a casual line like "Ya know I love ya, right?" and he'll probably grunt in response - but that totally counts.

You can be very clear that you do not like some of the choices that he makes, but that does not mean that you do not love him. Bad choices does not mean he is a bad kid, it means he is a struggling kid.

Usually difficult kids are very smart, and that is part of their frustration. In a calm moment, ask him to make a list of things that make him mad, and then ask him to make a list of things that he thinks would make it better. Read the list on your own, then come back to him and talk about what is reasonable. You might be surprised at what is bubbling deep inside him. This worked really well with my DD, when she was dealing with anxiety.

myym

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 10:01 am

They say the kids who are the hardest to love are the ones that need the love the most.
I have a daughter like that and the saying certainly holds true. You really need to fake the I love yous. You are his parents, and the only ones hes got. Please fake it for him.
In terms of helping him, sometimes these children have mood disorders, and thrive on medication. After years of hell with my child a psychiatrist finally prescribed her a mood stabilizer and she is now 1000 times better. Still moments ofcourse, but overall she is different child.

amother

White

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 10:08 am

I have a 10 year old who is very explosive (I related to the book very much). B'h I see tremendous improvement as he is getting older. I wish it for everyone - but still can't get him to stay home with a babysitter.

Every night I tuck him in, say shema, give kiss, talk about day for 3 minutes and say I love you.

The other night he refused to go to sleep, I said I'm sorry I cannot tuck you in later, now is the time. he didn't go. Later I heard him going to bed, I made sure to still go up and give him a kiss, say I Love you, and "I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day". I always try to give a kiss before he falls asleep no matter what happens.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 10:09 am

I could have written your post word for word when my son was ten.

What I tried to do was to show love during the few times he was calm.Does he have any interest that you can distract him with and try to bond with him then? Yes I know there are no guarantees he won't explode even then, but it is something to explore

Sparkle

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 11:39 am

My son also was like this years ago. B'h we've seen much improvement over the last few years due to a number of different factors.
But to answer your question - and I know this sounds weird - I found it very helpful during that difficult time period to go into his room at night when he was sleeping and whisper to him how much I loved him. It's much easier to tap into that love when the child is sleeping innocently, not being rude and obnoxious - you can almost see the neshamah peeking through a sleeping a child (I think). Sometimes I would sit and stroke his hair gently and even cry if it had been a particularly hard day. I can't explain why doing all this helped, but it did. I sometimes wondered if maybe his subconscious could hear me telling him how much I loved him.
And no, I'm really not a much into supernatural or kabbalistic stuff IRL. I'm a very practical and grounded person. But for some reason this helped.
Hatzlacha Rabbah! I know what you're going through.

asmileaday

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 12:22 pm

Sparkle wrote:

I actually heard a popular speaker encourage this method. I can't remember who it was. They say that the child internalizes it even if he's sleeping.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 1:11 pm

How about writing letters? Sometimes its easier to write a little note and decorate it with a smiley face without it seeming too babyish than if you would say it with words out loud. Just a little note slipped into his lunch bag or by his pillow to say I love you, or a happy memory of you together that makes u smile. We did this for my son when he was having some anxiety issues and it was helpful. We do this with our other children now, too. On occasion, its nice to get a mommy note telling you something nice! And they can save it and look back to it... And its easier to stretch the truth in a note, than say I love you when you actually don't feel it. They can sense the truth pretty well when they see conflicting emotions on your face or in your voice, but in a note, you can leave the angst aside and just write the love.

amother

Lime

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 2:32 pm

asmileaday wrote:

I actually heard a popular speaker encourage this method. I can't remember who it was. They say that the child internalizes it even if he's sleeping.

It's a great idea not because the child internalizes it but because the *parent* internalizes it. Anything that increases the parent's feelings of compassion, understanding, and love for their child will help the parent treat the child with more compassion, understanding, and love when he is awake and that is what the child will internalize. It can interrupt a negative cycle and help to replace it with more positive thoughts, feelings, and ultimately interactions.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 2:42 pm

amother wrote:

This makes an enormous amount of sense.

It reminds me of a shiur I heard once, on prayer. When we daven, we don't change G-d, but we change ourselves. When we work on ourselves, then G-d helps us achieve what we're davening for (if it's in our best interest).

amother

Black

Mon, Jul 11 2016, 3:18 pm

thanks for all the replies.

We do show him love by buying him things that he likes, spending time doing things with him, taking him places ...more so than we do with all the other kids. I guess I'm feeling guilty because since he takes so much out of me, I hardly ever say "I love you". I might not hug and kiss him at this point but he will accept a back rub when he is calm or even a tickle. Still, it's not the same as a hug a kiss. The truth is, I don't know if I can even bring myself to be like this with him at this point. I feel bad about it. Thinking about it, I realize that I am the product of my own upbringing. My parents didn't/don't say that they love me - (or to my my siblings)- and there are no hugs and kisses either. I do not want my kids to feel that love is so foreign even though they do know that they are cared for and they know that I am the address for their comfort. I noticed something yesterday. My son was screaming and carrying on about a big disappointment that he had to deal with. He was angry at me and letting me know that. Even when he calmed down he did not leave the room I was in. He still stayed near me. He could have gone to his room . So I guess he views me a secure, comfort zone. B"H for that.

yOungM0mmy

Tue, Jul 12 2016, 7:57 am

All loving touch shows love, even if it's not a hug or kiss. One of mine wont let me hug him often, but each night I go in and ruffle his hair at bed time, every morning he is woken up by stroking his cheek, even straightening his collar is an excuse to rub his neck, and putting down his plate on the table in front of him is a chance to run my hand across his shoulders or rub his arm. And when you make his favourite supper or buy him the thing he wanted you get down to eye level and say 'this is because I love you cuz you're my son' - its unconditional and totally not connected to his vile behaviour, and he does know that you love him, but in no way an excuse or acceptance of his behaviour.

I think it's inevitable that there will be difficulties during the day with most children, especially challenging children, but I feel that a good start and end to the day are vital. No matter what happened the day before, a child should be woken with pleasant words and wished a good day as they leave the house, and no matter what happened during the day, a child should go to sleep secure in the knowledge that they are safe and loved. I find bedtime shema is a great time for that calming and reconnecting...after the battle that is pyjamas and toothbrushing, I then sit on each child's bed, even the 10 year old and even the 8 year old despite his protest that he can say it himself, and listen quietly while they say shema, either next to me, leaning on me, or on my lap.

I dont mean to sound preachy, I have a bunch of kids and my house is often far from calm, but I know that even if I cant avoid all the shouting and fighting, at least the beginning and end of the day should be loving, most days...