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Inappropriate websites
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 6:37 am
Hi, Is anyone ever had experience on how to react and what to do, when you find your teenage ds watching inappropriate websites. He is most of the year in yeshivah. Now he came home for a week, and we realized, that he somehow cracked the parenting control on Ipad and was watching something really bad. He did admitted himself and feel very guilty. Unfortunately it happened not the first time. While in yeshivah he doesn't have access to any devices, only at home, which we are planning to get rid of. Any suggestion will be very appreciated. Thank you. I feel very sad and upset. Sad
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shaindy3




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 7:36 am
Definitely talk to someone who has experience with this issue.
when kids start to watch inappropriate things it's almost impossible for him to stop without outside help.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 7:42 am
He needs a therapist. Judging by your post you're probably chassidish. Please take him to a professional not a madrich.
It may be that he's just exploring or it may be the beginning of an addiction.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 7:58 am
shaindy3 wrote:
Definitely talk to someone who has experience with this issue.
when kids start to watch inappropriate things it's almost impossible for him to stop without outside help.


This.
Speaking from experience.
What starts out as a bad habit quickly turns into an addiction. Get him professional help immediately.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 12:20 pm
To quote myself from another thread, I'd really like to hear from a therapist what they would do if a mother brought a child in for something like that.
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 12:51 pm
imasoftov wrote:
To quote myself from another thread, I'd really like to hear from a therapist what they would do if a mother brought a child in for something like that.


We don't know what these inappropriate websites are. If he is watching movies, even 'bad' movies, I'd agree with you. Same for regular casual chat sites and things like that. However, if this is the beginning of a [filth] addiction, professional guidance might help before this develops into a full blown addiction.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 1:24 pm
Faigy86 wrote:
We don't know what these inappropriate websites are. If he is watching movies, even 'bad' movies, I'd agree with you. Same for regular casual chat sites and things like that. However, if this is the beginning of a [filth] addiction, professional guidance might help before this develops into a full blown addiction.

I don't know how one could agree with what I posted unless they too wanted to know what such professional guidance might consist of.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 1:42 pm
Whatever amother said.

Also please don't assume that he doesn't have access in yeshiva.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 1:47 pm
I certainly wouldn't over react. Exploring the world outside his culture is natural for a teen. You didn't mention how old he is. What does he know of the outside world and making good choices? Are these dialogs you've had with him in the past?
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 1:52 pm
imasoftov wrote:
I don't know how one could agree with what I posted unless they too wanted to know what such professional guidance might consist of.


I'm sorry, I guess I mis-read what you said. I was assuming that you were sarcastically saying that it was a foolish recommendation because there was no value in it. My apologies.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 2:39 pm
Inappropriate in what way?

Otherwise harmless pop culture that is frowned upon by your group? Politics different from the standard in your community? Or are we talking about [filth]?

Whatever it is, please do not overreact. It is normal for teenagers to experiment and push their boundaries. From what you wrote, it sounds as though he has already acknowledged his error and feels remorse. Scolding or shaming him will only lead him to hide his actions from you and shut down communications.

That being said, I would have a serious chat about making good choices. Let him know that you will always be there to support him and guide him as he makes his way toward adulthood.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 2:47 pm
Inappropriate as in [filth]? - Take him to see a professional in that field ASAP. Do NOT take him to Chassidish "Experts".

Movies and non-Jewish music? That is difficult for parents with a hashkafa that doesn't allow it. Get advice from a smart chinuch expert.

FYI: getting rid of the tablet won't make a difference. If he wants to watch, he'll find somewhere to do it.
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 2:55 pm
Teenagers have raging hormones and lots of curiosity about s*x. I wouldn't freak out unless there was something really creepy involved (pedophilia, rape, other violence). He hears about s*x, I'm sure, and is overwhelmed by curiosity and intense feelings.

If we're not talking about [filth], then I have no answer, as we're very modern about movies and music here.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 4:44 pm
Difficult to answer without knowing what is inappropriate.

However, I am a realist and assume all or almost all boys go through a phase when they watch or look at inappropriate things. This has been so since our great greats probably ogled girly postcards of Victorian scantily clad women.

I don't think it's a gateway to addiction for most boys anymore than Mah Jomg is a gateway for degenerate gambling addictions. :-)

He is no doubt embarrassed and guilty especially to have been discovered. Without more, I personally don't think it indicates deep psychological issues. Again, as somewhat of a realist, I assume it's a rite of passage for adolescent boys with raging hormones.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 4:49 pm
Really, most of you would take a teenage boy to a therapist for looking at something inapropriate?
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pointyshoes




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 5:13 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
Really, most of you would take a teenage boy to a therapist for looking at something inapropriate?


Idk if I would but then, I would expect teenagers to be curious. I/dh would have a talk with them and figure out how to deal with it.
I also wouldn't be shocked to find out something like this
However, op is (and this is an assumption) from a more sheltered background/mindset and it sounds like she feels scared and out of her depth. So yes, the best thing she could do would be to refer this situation to someone experienced who will deal with it wisely and give her DS a healthy attitude and perspective on whatever he's feeling
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 5:41 pm
For [filth]? absolutely!
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HelloG




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 6:45 pm
Maybe we can help better with referalls if we know ur location
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 7:24 pm
I assumed it was [filth]. And if it is it's certainly better for him to see a professional rather than his parents reacting in an inappropriate manner.
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BasMelech120




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 12 2016, 8:22 pm
imasoftov wrote:
To quote myself from another thread, I'd really like to hear from a therapist what they would do if a mother brought a child in for something like that.


Honestly, most children/adolescents can benefit from a therapeutic relationship at some point in their life. If inappropriate web surfing is what got them into the office, I would take the time to explore their current life situation, evaluate if there is anything they are 'running away' from (and escaping to the inappropriate items to numb themselves), and - if the problem was indeed [filth] - I'd help them explore their understanding of their own s-xuality and what it means to them.
Assuming that the inappropriate content in this scenario is indeed [filth], one angle (once the client is ready to discuss this specific issue) would be to discuss the documented results of watching [filth]. Studies have shown that this practice desensitizes s-xual responses, miscontrues the understanding of relations, and has even shown to cause erectile dysfunction later on in life. It would also be helpful to explain to the child that intimate relations between a man and his wife are the cornerstone of their private life, and offer so much more than just physical pleasure; but by constantly engaging in [filth], the young mind starts associating this potentially beautiful act with confusion, guilt, isolation, and shame. Also, the [filth] industry is one that degrades the people inside of it, and the pain it causes the actors for years to come is not shown on the 3-300 minute clips. Although we might think that adolescent boys are not mature enough to hear these facts, they actually might very well be. Introducing them to the other side of the iPad, phone, computer, or tablet screen may shed some light on an issue that they do not know about. Discussing this might not make them quit [filth] entirely, but the open dialogue and wealth of information will certainly add another dimension the next time they have to make that web-surfing decision.

Another related issue within our communities is the lack of relations education. This has been discussed on other threads, but to sum it up: if the schools are not doing it, the parents should.
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