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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Teaching body safety- how badly did I fail?
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 2:00 pm
I am always telling my children that their body belongs to them, and that if someone is touching them in a way that makes them uncomfortable, they can say "don't touch me, it's my body, I don't like it". We read books about safety and I'm always trying to stay aware and teach them the same.

Today, I took my 2.5 year old daughter to the doctor because I thought she had a UTI. The doctor motioned for me to take off her pants and then I misunderstood him/ was distracted and stopped after taking off her pants, so therefore he was the one to remove her diaper. He then did a check that seemed to be painful for my daughter. I was holding her hand and telling her "don't worry, Mommy is with you" but she was on the verge of tears.

So now I'm beating myself up for not ASKING my daughter permission to remove her diaper and have the doctor check her. I feel that I did the exact opposite of what I am always teaching her!

Since we got home she is saying that the doctor hurt her tushy. I am worried that she's both confused and traumatized.

Can anyone help me here?
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 2:58 pm
Doesn't sound like a UTI he was checking for. Sounds like he was checking for a labial adhesion. That could hurt.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 3:42 pm
He actually said he wanted to see if there were worms because that could cause pain.
But that doesn't answer my question...!
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 4:12 pm
It sounds fine to me. You were there with her. If you asked her and she said no what would you have done? I think it's better not to ask questions that you don't want to hear "no" to. I think a good rule to teach her is that the doctor can see and touch her if mom is there. And tell her the doctor is trying to help make her feel better.
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Hatemywig




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 4:14 pm
She's only 2.5 don't beat yourself up.
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Shuly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 4:29 pm
I teach my kids that a dr. can check them if their parent is in the room.

You should discuss it with her now - he is a dr. and mommy was there which was why he could check you, but no one else is allowed to do that.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 5:29 pm
I don't think it's a fail on your part. I do think the doctor should have explained to you what he was going to do during the examination. I have a great respect to Drs. and I've loved my pediatritions but I cannot for the life of me put up with a Dr. that doesn't explain the procedure to me a head of time or refuses to speak gently to my child while doing the same. The child is a verbal 2.5.
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BasMelech120




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 8:19 pm
Hatemywig wrote:
She's only 2.5 don't beat yourself up.


A traumatizing event at any age can have a profound effect on the child.

OP, when discussing body safety with children, the doctor should not be left out of the equation since he/she will often have access to a child in a very different and 'legal' way than other adults. However, since there have been stories of doctors abusing their authority and hurting children, the discussion should be centered around the idea that if Mommy is in the room, the doctor will do what he needs to in order to make the child feel better; and that even in that situation, if it hurts or feels uncomfortable, the child's voice will always be heard.

Here is another excellent resource for preparing a child for a specific or general doctor's visit:
http://kidshealth.org/en/paren......html

And remember, pat yourself on the back for a job well done with having open conversations about these matters! In a world full of chaos and fear over abuse, you are definitely striving to be a part of the solution Salut Thumbs Up
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sped




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 8:58 pm
Yes. When I talk about body safety, I talk about Mommy-Daddy who can touch when cleaning or bathing him/her, Morah can change diaper and clean, and doctors can touch when Mommy or Daddy are in the room.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 9:04 pm
Our doctors tells the kids that he will check them and he is allowed to do so only because mommy is in the room with him. I like how they make the kids aware that touch can be inappropriate even by a doctor and should only be done with a parent present.

Perhaps you can explain that to your daughter, that the doctor was allowed to touch because you supervised.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Jul 17 2016, 11:41 pm
Thank you all for your helpful replies!
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 1:29 am
This is part of why I prefer to have doctors that are the same gender as my kids.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 5:30 am
amother wrote:
This is part of why I prefer to have doctors that are the same gender as my kids.


How would that help? shock
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BasMelech120




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 1:10 pm
amother wrote:
This is part of why I prefer to have doctors that are the same gender as my kids.


A male can abuse a male and a female can abuse a female, just the same as it might go the other way around as well... We can never be too careful with our children, no matter the age, gender, hashkafic background, or familial relations that the person has to the child.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 2:17 pm
Your kid is not going to remember this in a few months, for sure not when she's older. Not traumatized at all.

And what's the point of asking if you'll have to make her anyway? It's not like you will just say okay sorry my daughter doesn't want to be checked so I guess she will continue having whatever problem she is having.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 2:26 pm
Its just my personal feeling that I would rather have a female dr for my little girls. Its just a comfort level for me.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 2:33 pm
ITA with Marina.

Just for the record, I'm not a fan putting unacceptable touch in terms of what makes a child "uncomfortable" or "not feel good."

One of the most horrifying elements of CSA is that a skilled predator can manipulate a child into being a willing participant in his/her abuse. I used the "areas covered by your bathing suit" definition with exceptions as noted by other posters. Of course, that's not perfect, either, but you can't really delineate every possible perversion for a kid!
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 2:34 pm
Our pediatrician when he examines a kid, mentions that only a doctor or parent should be touching you etc.

I always had a female pediatrician & went out of my way to have female OB and GI. I found I was way more comfortable. And our pediatrician now has a female PA so my girls always saw her when possible.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 3:21 pm
Fox wrote:
ITA with Marina.

Just for the record, I'm not a fan putting unacceptable touch in terms of what makes a child "uncomfortable" or "not feel good."

One of the most horrifying elements of CSA is that a skilled predator can manipulate a child into being a willing participant in his/her abuse. I used the "areas covered by your bathing suit" definition with exceptions as noted by other posters. Of course, that's not perfect, either, but you can't really delineate every possible perversion for a kid!


I was going to make a similar point to this with regards to the concept of "asking" the child. You wouldn't want to her get the idea that, as long as someone asks her first, then it's okay for them to touch her. Similar to what Fox said, skilled predators can manipulate children to say "yes" if asked if it's okay to touch them.

The doctor touching her is not okay because anyone asks her first. It's okay because it's necessary for her health and Mommy is there with her making sure she is safe. If you ask her and she says no and then the doctor has to check her anyway, I would think that would be way more traumatic and confusing than the situation you described.

I think if you explain to her why this situation was okay, and then include this type of scenario when you talk to her about safety in the future, she won't have long-term trauma or confusion from this.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Jul 18 2016, 3:41 pm
I'm a pediatric NP. if I need to check a private area I explain what I'm going to do and why (as age appropriate). Also the child should do as much of the prep as possible whether taking off their pants, getting in position etc. it gives them more of a sense of control. I don't ask permission first, I just matter-of-factly say this is what we need to do now.

If someone is really resisting (usually teens during well visits who ask if it's "really necessary") I explain why I'm doing it but may choose not to push it depending on the situation. You can always document "patient/parent declined".
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