How do u do it? | Imamother

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 4:46 pm

I feel like I had it...I work 9-5 with a baby and don't have time for anything....dh is a neat freak and cant take our house not being clean and laundry not done....only have cleaning help every other week and I feel like im going crzy cannot handle this now in the summer we go away for the weekends so don't even have my weekend to clean up its for the pits.........how do u people do it? and if by my mistake I sit down and breathe dh asks me for this we need cleaning help? do they really not get it keep telling him how I feel and it aint working!

allthingsblue

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 4:49 pm

Omg your husband sounds like he needs a good talking to.
I'm curious- is he from a family where his mom does everything and he thinks that is the norm?
Either way, explain to him in a nice, non threatening way that between work and being a mom, you are exhausted and you can't do more than x amount. Ask him to contribute with housework and caring for your child as well, if he hasn't been.
Explain that you need a few minutes or whatever to relax, otherwise you will burn out.
He is not being realistic. Tell him so.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 4:52 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

you got it on the button! his mom does everything and shes a perfectionist to and he thinks that's the way in the process of teaching him that its not and I do work but not working yet and now I feel like quitting!

HonesttoGod

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 4:52 pm

We don't "do" it.
Personally, I feel like I am failing at everything but from reading what you wrote here are some suggestions:

- You are a partner. Your house and your baby belongs to you AND your husband 50/50. Which means if he likes something to be a certain way, is a neat freak as you say, then he should chip in. And if he does already and it is still not to his standards he either has to realize he canNOT push you more than you can go and he can TOTALLY do it himself.

- If you need your weekends to get things done, don't go away.
I have my sundays. On sunday I wash, fold, iron, cook, clean, bake and chill out with my kids. So if we do go away and I miss Sunday, I stay up late doing everything and yes, my week is a mess. So I try and come home on Motze Shabbs or before lunch on Sunday so that I have some time.

- Get cleaning help once a week if you need it.

- Get your dh on board. He obviously doesn't get what you are doing and why you need to sit down. Put him in place. You are a working woman. YOu are a mom. YOu are a housemaker. He MUST chip in. If he doesn't want to pay for cleaning help he can do it himself.
If he needs a chore chart, make one.

mha3484

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 5:39 pm

I have many struggles when it comes to home management but its more self inflicted DH tolerates much more mess then I do actually. My kids are 1 1/2 and 5 1/2 so some things are different then when they were babies.

Some things that help me are:

Using my motzei shabbos and sunday mornings except for the latest ones of the year to do a good clean up. I put on music or a podcast (DH and I like to listen to one that is about topics in halacha and we talk about it). Sometimes to reward myself we will order in melave malka.

I cook for shabbos deliberately so I mostly have serving dishes and place settings to wash after shabbos is over. Maybe a few pyrex dishes.

I have learned that I am much more productive at 7am than 7pm so I do a chore in the morning before the kids get up. (This only works because I leave for work at 9). Either a load of laundry, dinner dishes, sweeping.

I use paper plates, foil pans and line baking dishes with parchment. I am not washing 3 sets of dishes a day. Breakfast and lunch are always paper. Dinner is up to my mood.

It has taken me a long time but I finally feel like I can keep up most of the time. I am not winning awards but on a normal day I don't feel overwhelmed so I will take it and be happy!

amother

Papaya

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 8:13 pm

Yes...your dh had better grow up....but heres some food for thought. My dh is a completely disorganized slob. He has modeled horrible habits to my kids. We live like pigs, its disgusting and embarassing. No matter how hard I try to organize and clean, I never see the fruits of my labor. I guess you might count your blessings.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 11:37 pm

well I am counting my blessings I love that hes neat and clean except that he cant tolerate that well mess although hes understanding and all and really I want hear from u ladies how u do it with working and everything? I know what my dh is and where work is needed........wanna hear from u ladies do u ever have time to do something xtra? like read a book? bake somthing out of hobby? do any other hobby or outing? what about shopping and all these? feel like if my laundry gets done and the house is somewhat clean im a winner let alone shopping and all these

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 11:49 pm

My husband and I discussed this before we married. We both wanted to have realistic expectations especially for after children came and life got really busy. One of the reasons why we married is that we shared realistic expectations and both of us were willing to give and take. Perhaps you and your husband can discuss realistic expectations with a counselor or third party to help mediate?

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 11:50 pm

My husband is the same way. ODC about clean and neat and I'm not a naturally organized person. My house is not dirty, but not perfectly organized either. I also work full time.

Things I do which help:
-WEEKLY cleaning help. Makes such a difference compared to once every 2 weeks.
- disposable dishes. We have started using for breakfast and it makes things easier. I do use regular dishes most of other meals, but using disposable is worth not having to spend extra time cleaning.
- make sure husband helps! I still end up doing more housework, but my husband is helping more than before. He vacuums, helps with giving our son a bath, washes his own dishes, does his own laundry..etc.
- make sure to specifically ask husband to help. Say, please hold baby while I do this or while I'm giving baby a bath can you finish washing the dishes. My husband helps more when I verbally ask for things.
- another thing that helps me is having an extra freezer so I bake and cook extra things to freeze, so gives me more free time after work. I sometimes only bake once a month and stock up my freezer.

And yes I make time for myself. I read a lot and go walking several evenings a week. I try to get a girls night out weekly. Usually my girlfriend and I go walking.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Jul 20 2016, 11:55 pm

Tell him "if you see something is not the way you like it, then do it. Don't tell me what to do".
Explain to him that housekeeping and child care takes away 7-8 hours per day. That means you work 2 shifts every single day. Ask him if it's possible for him to work 2 shifts per day. Obviously not! ! ! So then he should share in your second job, this way both have one and a half jobs. Not you 2, and him just 1.

gold21

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 1:15 am

amother wrote:

It may be hard to find personal time unless your husband pitches in more and helps create that personal time for you.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

thanks all for ur advice....I see the best option for me wud be weekly cleaning help...........

Chartreuse and mustard it feels good that other ladies understand how I feel

Why not having your dh help clean especially since he's the one that cares more?

wifenmother

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 10:10 am

Boy OP!!! I'm so glad I read your post. That could have been me a few years ago... I guess I'm not the only one that didn't have it all figured out from day one...

Here's what worked for me:
1) Cook in 'bulk'. Obviously that's different than cooking in bulk for a large family, but when my family was that size I froze soups, meats and poultry, side dishes, desserts... everything and anything. When I got married I was first making only 'half' the recipe. Then I started making the full recipe and freezing the rest. This cuts down on prep time and cleanup of pots and pans. And there's nothing like walking in from work and just popping your supper (which can at times defrost in the fridge) into the microwave or oven to reheat.
2) Being organized is key. Knowing which days are laundry days, and cleaning days and doing it on those days by hook or by crook...
3) With regard to your husband, you need to have an open talk. Tell him that you feel you aren't managing, and that you need to 'just sit' and unwind sometimes so you have the strength to continue. And if you feel like he's comparing you to your mil, then by all means discuss that too!

Know that not everything will always be perfect. There will be some days when you will cut corners, order supper in, not iron every shirt, or even... leave the dirty dishes in the sink overnight!