DS in bad school environment but difficult to change schoo

amother

Green

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 2:14 pm

My son is in a very bad school environment. There is a lot of bullying going on and a lot of budding kids at risk in his class. Worst of all not only does the principal tolerate bullying he is somewhat of a bully himself.

Under normal circumstances there would be no question we should get him out of the school. In our case however this isn't so simple for the following reasons (1) I live in in a place where changing schools borders on the impossible (2)Admittedly my son isn't the easiest of all children to deal with. He is a very rigid and at times irrational or paranoid child. I'm concerned he will take his problems with him.

Assuming we use every type of pull imaginable (none of which do we currently have) and he then faces problems in his new school we really won't be in the position to ask them to extend themselves for him.

For his part my son simply told us he is tired of being bullied by the school and principal. Either we find him a new school or he is dropping out. He means it.

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 2:29 pm

What grade is your son in? If he really means it when he says to either switch him or he's dropping out then I guess you have no choice but to try to get him into another school and hope for the best. What general neighborhood are you in and what's your hashkafa? Maybe someone who sees this post will have a suggestion. Hatzlacha

naomi2

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 4:20 pm

there is bullying all the way up to administration?? dont start him there next year. you have no choice about the matter. one of your most important jobs in your life is take care of your child, protect him and educate him (lastly). ask your self honestly what steps you need to take to make sure your child thrives and do it!! save you child now when it is not too late.

and op, there are zillions of schools in lakewood. pick a few who are most likely to show kindness and the beauty of yiddishket to him. then go down in person-with your husband if he is in the picture, and beg and cry so your child should should feel loved protected and important to you.
good luck!

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 4:49 pm

Op I totally sympathize with u!! I was in the same situation with my son and I was stressed over having my son in the school and the principal tolerated it too!! But in the end in my case, the principal kicked my kids out BECAUSE I COMPLAINED THAT HE WAS DOING NOTHING ABOUT THE BULLYING!!but It was very difficult --as u know -- to get them in a new school --I had to call and call almost every day the new school and besides him not knowing If there is room, the new principal was very hesitant bec. He thought something was wrong with us bec they were switching!! No rav was able to help me!!I was even going to go to the more modern school or sefardi (I'm not sefardi) just to avoid public school
But Baruch hashem I was able to place them in the other frum school in my neighborhood after a constant calling /begging ---there is much less bullying in this new school -much stronger in discipline so I'm very happy in the end
. MY ADVICE TO U:: listen to ur son!
Prepare to switch him
Call a school /s many times /go there If possible --they tested my son which I paid for--keep trying
. I wish u hatzlacho and hope u can get ur son in better environment with less or no bullying (although I believe there is bullying in all schools but some administrators handle it better and listen to parents concerns)
. good luck --I def. Understand why ur son refuses to go BAC!! My son has horror stories about wat kids did to him and he was in the frummest yeshiva!!
. hatzlacha !!!

amother

Azure

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 5:19 pm

Op, I totally understand you and your son. And I understand that you're worried he might take his issues along. He might, but I think that given the chance of a new start, he might shine.
Or the new school might have better resources to help a kid like him, or just might be more gentle and tolerant which can help immensely.
I know the school situation is super tough, I lived there too. But try your best.

octopus

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 8:36 pm

amother wrote:

Look, your son spelled it out for you. I'm sure it is hard to get into a different school. But your kid just told you that he will drop out if you don't switch schools. So you don't even have a choice. Sometimes the right things to do, are the hardest things to do. I wish you strength- physically and emotionally to get your son into a new school.

sourstix

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 8:59 pm

yes I am living in lakewood too. im not surprised. hugs to you op. (((((((((((()))))))))))). it so so hard. other then telling you I get how you feel I really cant give advice. I was in a real same situation. and noone is immune. I am putting my son in a new school this year. hopefully ds will have a better place. which has good mechanchim. so I hope and pray. and may hashem give you hatzlacha and strength to do what is the best interest of your child.

amother

Olive

Sat, Jul 23 2016, 4:41 pm

If your son has some issues you think he's going to take with him, I recommend getting him some therapy regardless of what you do about school.

I also really think you should switch schools for him. I had a horrible school situation, had been previously bullied and school did nothing, bad social situation overall otherwise too and I became suicidal (and this was even after the bullying was over, because a bad school situation stays with you). Yeah, I should have switched schools. . .

Thankfully, I went to see an amazing psychologist, and I'm still here today, happy and successful.

So please, do everything you can to get your son into a different school. Even if it's a far commute. Even if it's a somewhat different hashkafa (because a different hashkafa is better than the no hashkafa he would get if he dropped out). But don't keep him in a situation that is this bad for him. And please, get him professional help too - these issues can last a lifetime.

Good luck!

amother

Orange

Sun, Jul 24 2016, 12:51 am

We were in the same position with our son in 8th grade. I told the principal I would be at the school every day until bullying stopped. Principal tried but he really couldn't end it totally. DS refused to drop out, but it badly affected his feelings for Yiddishkeit. The bullying continued into 9th grade at his yeshiva dorm (totally unsupervised), where he was beaten so badly, we pulled him out after Pesech. The yeshiva never expelled the kids who did this (they are ALL off the derech btw...now it's 7 years later). After pulling our son out, he "homeschooled" but really was depressed and did nothing but go to the local college and watch movies all day, while I was busy with my other kids. Finally, through therapy (necessitated by a 3 day hold in a psych ward...don't take your kid to an ER unless you REALLy think they are suicidal, cv"s), we agreed to send him to a co-ed private "Jewish" community day school. He dropped much of his observance at that point, BUT he became a National Merit Scholar and is in university now and thriving, slowly coming back (very slowly) through the campus Chabad. In retrospect, always listen to your child. They are in deep pain and they will ultimately turn against Yiddishkeit and you (worse) if you don't. Hatzlacha raba.