Coworkers allegations

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 5:01 pm

I had an argument with a coworker. It got quite heated on her part and she started screaming in front of clients. It blew over. Or so I thought. Apparently she took every past encounter and miscontrued it and fabricated some facts and complained to our boss.

For instance, when we were on friendly terms I once tugged lightly on her hair to get her attention. She was laughing and we were joking and she did the same to me. I told her it will fall off because it is a wig. So the boss called me in for a meeting for all these problems and started asking about the time I was pulling her hair and she got upset and then told her she can't do it to me because my wig will just fall off. He brought it up after other complaints making it seem like I became violent with her and started beating her up during the argument (she may not have gone that far but she definitely made me seem bad for doing it when it was done jokingly and she had no problem with it at the time). He is concerned that I'm "touching my coworkers inappropriately".

So now pulling her hair lightly to get her attention when we were laughing and joking together and she was completely fine with it at the time has turned into allegations of s-xual harrassment. Great. That looks incredibly phenomenal on my employee file and if things keep on being misconstrued which she is clearly capable of doing it can lead to my termination.

Other than obviously cutting back interacting with this girl as much as possible what should I be doing? He sent an email for a paper trail saying things like "you are not to touch your coworkers in ways that make them uncomfortable". It's ridiculous how I am now made out to be a creep. He wants confirmation I got the email but I don't want it to seem like I am agreening that the story happened as she said it.

Of note, at the meeting I did not tell him the whole story. Did not mention argument that we had and her yelling in front of patients. I do not run to peoples bosses the second they have a bad moment. We all have them. I did deny some of the facts the way he put it but couldn't deny them all because some of them did happen (yes, I did "pull" her hair but not in that way and it didn't bother her at the time). I was also mortified because he called in someone else as a witness and his allegations were awful (and false) and was at a loss for what to say. So now I need a way to respond to his email.

bluebird

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 6:39 pm

This is going to be long, but I have experience in this area (both sides of the desk) and I want to give you the manager's perspective on this and how you can best handle it, even if you wind up with a rap sheet for things you didn't do. Please keep this in mind: engaging in (or being accused of) bad behavior does not make you a bad person despite how it makes you feel. Please try to squash feelings of being accused of being a creep. Hug

Do not reply in email yet, except to say that you would like to discuss this further in person. Anything you write is basically permanent. If this is a large enough company that you have an HR department, contact them immediately and before you meet with your boss again to ask ask to discuss this further , and without your boss being present. At this point, there are two conflicts: one with your coworker and one with your manager. If you do not have an HR department, you can try discussing it with your manager's manager.

Before this meeting takes place, create a list of every one of these incidents, including any that you did not discuss before. Write down the facts as you know them, and if there are witnesses list those as well. Think about questions you may be asked, write them down, and write down ways you could reply to them. Take this list to any meetings you have and stick to it in the discussion. Concentrate on being calm and factual, and not getting emotional or defensive. That can be really hard, but it necessary. You need to focus on being professional and calm.

Ask your manager how he would recommend handling conflicts with this coworker in the future. If you do end up with documented warnings, ask how he wants you to address them and ask if you can revisit them in the future (3-6 months) to make sure that you are showing improvement and complying. I know this is going to stick in your craw, but once these things are on your record it doesn't matter. You can keep maintaining your innocence, but the important thing to your manager is that the problems are taken care of and will not happen again. Again, you need to focus on being professional, showing growth, regaining trust, and being solutions-oriented.

Document every single interaction that seems like it may lead to a complaint from now on. Keep it somewhere will no one will find it and don't discuss it. No one should know you are doing this. Hopefully you will not need to keep doing this.

Also, keep in mind that your coworker may also be subject to discipline but that your manager isn't telling you that because he's (correctly) keeping it private.

I am not sure how to say this next part gently enough, and also want you to know that I am not passing judgment on what did or did not happen. This is a good time to reflect on what happened and how you may have handled it better even if you were not at fault.

Please consider that actions can make people uncomfortable even if they do not say anything about it, seem like they're OK with it, or don't say anything. Some people are not comfortable addressing these things directly. Pulling a coworker's hair, even to get their attention, even in jest, is unprofessional and is a violation of that person's personal space. It is possible that you made her uncomfortable, and even that she pulled your hair back as a way of showing you what it feels like. I would warn any of my employees about this behavior—intent does not matter and it's important for the behavior to stop immediately so that it does not occur with another person. Do not do this again. Do not touch your coworkers again, ever, for any reason. From your manager's perspective, this opens him up to allegations of creating a hostile workplace and it threatens his reputation.

Also, regarding the argument: it takes two to tango. I've certainly had heated arguments in the workplace, so I know what it's like to be involved in it. Trust me, I do. I've been called on the carpet about it, too. Sad

However, keeping cool and de-escalating is necessary and more important that being right. If you're in private, it's one thing, but in front of a customer having a heated argument is not OK. They don't have the context, and arguments reflect badly on the company and on you. Again, this is something that your manager has to take seriously. The best thing you can do, as I wrote above, is to ask how to handle conflicts with this coworker in the future. I have some strategies (which I learned the hard way, I might add!) that may help, and I can share if interested.

This situation is terrible to be in, and I feel for you. It is not unrecoverable, even if you can't clear your name. Good luck. Hug

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 6:52 pm

Thanks for your response. I don't get how it's not unrecoverable even if I can't clear my name. I feel like if it's so easy to blatantly lie about s-xual harassment I should complain about her too. The thing is, I'm her superior. I'm not her boss but she works in an assistant capacity which makes the case against me worse. I can get away without using her assistance to make sure there is nothing she can misconstrue in the future.

In terms of going to my bosses boss etc, the guy that called me in is the director of the local branch. The witness he called in is my direct supervisor. There is an HR department at a different location and I honestly wouldn't even know who to contact there. What would I be telling them exactly?

I want to confirm that I got the email but make it clear that I don't agree with the allegations that they were misconstrued and somewhat fabricated. That I have absolutely no issue whatsoever treating everyone with respect as we all deserve that (that was another point he made in the email)

Another thing--when we had the argument she was shouting in front of clients. I asked her to lower it because it was unprofessional. Apparently she took that to mean that I'm telling her how to do her job and that she is not doing her job. He told me it's not my place to comment on others performance or to tell them how to do their jobs. I never did that. All I did was point out that yelling in front of patients was unprofessional. It sucks that she stooped to playing so dirty. She knows perfectly well that nothing bothered her until our argument.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 9:11 pm

amother wrote:

Can I take a guess? Was the person who reported you a nurse? I've found in the few major hospitals I've been in that the nurses can be very catty and they love reporting people. Sometimes I feel like it's part of the nursing culture. We physicians are not like that. We deal with our issues the grown up way.

She actually wants to become a doctor Very Happy

she's in a secretarial capacity now.

Thing is she and the boss are both the same race which makes him like her over me (yes, reverse racism exists in my work place).

I just remembered another incident that I think is important to bring up to him to demonstarate my point that she was an active participant in these discussions and that she is picking random things from the past year of us working together on friendly terms because she is upset about our argument and wants to make me look bad.

There was an incident recently where she and another female coworker were talking about how it's not recommended to shower wish soap "down there" and to just wash with water. They then went on to discuss how *I* need to use soap and wash really well because I'm soooo dirty becaue of all the dirty s ex I have. Because I'm the only one of the three getting any because I'm married.

Tbh, I was really uncomfortable with that conversation but didn't say anything because it's the type of thing that goes. I didn't feel "threatened" because it's the kind of relationship we had. It went both ways. These things didn't make her feel uncomfortable until we had an argument.

So....what's the best way to convey that? And should it be in writing or in person?

amother

Blonde

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 9:13 pm

amother wrote:

She actually wants to become a doctor Very Happy

Honestly, to me it sounds petty to even repeat such a thing.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 9:24 pm

amother wrote:

Yes. I would work on straightening that part out instead of bringing up past immature comments.
It will make you look like you are willing to address and resolve the situation as opposed to trying to pick a fight and make a whole lot of workplace drama.

This is my personal (but not professional) opinion. You should speak to someone at HR for the best advice.

This is the gist of what someone suggested I say to him in person (and to offer examples, like that one, if asked):

I'm shocked and upset about these allegations. I thought we had a nice relationship and we discussed things and she would make comments that were personal but I didn't feel threatened because we had a more casual comfortable relationship but now that she is using it against me I want it to be on record that there was a lot of give and take and it never occured to me to bring it up because it was part of our relationship. Obviously the relationship will cease to be this way but it was most definitely not one sided and not harrassment.

I suspect that she is bringing up random incidents because of a recent argument. Going forward I will make sure to keep our interactions formal to prevent future discomfort on anyones part.

amother

Lime

Thu, Jul 21 2016, 11:52 pm

Op I'm sorry you are going through this--
. this is clearly bias and discrimination against u since the manager is
. taking ur coworkers side due to the fact he's afraid she will say he's racist if he doesn't defend her or bec he's against ur race!!
. the manager is accusing u of something for which ur coworker did the Same thing--u said she touched ur hair too!!
. the fact that the manager right away took her side shows he's going to defend her no matter what the facts are!!this is very disturbing!!the manager should have been fair and should've given u a chance to explain ur side but obviously he didn't !so in this situation
It could get worse if the coworker complains again---
. I also,wouldn't recommend acknowledging the email except to say something verbally since the manager can and prob. Will use whatever u write against u!!
. I was in this situation and it wasn't about right or wrpng--they just were against me and made up anything and found " witnesses "---that's another thing in my situation , anyone lied and were witnesses "" because they were scared to go against the managers side, so I'm not sure if ur coworkers who witnessed the fight would defend u as they are probably afraid of taking ur side since they see the manager is against u and they are prob afraid ur coworker may then allege they did something!! After my experience where I saw its not about facts and who did wat but about whomever is on the managers side, I said yes , yes, to all those on managers side that I was forced to work with --its very stressful for me but I can't leave bec. I need the money--I only didn't get terminated bec. Of a miracle I was switched under new manager!! Boruch hashem I stll have my job!!
. I don't know wat ur argument was about but it seems ur coworker was wrong regardless u are the one they are making look bad!! I feel for u and understand how stressful this is!!I really hope everything gets better!!at the same time, u must be careful to never touch a coworker even if u think "u are on good terms" bec now u see wat can happen if.... (its interesting that u didn't notice how much this coworker was not really someone to joke with and touch as u clearly wrote how she was talking about how dirty u are "down there bec...." )
. meanwhile whatever way u respond verbally or.. I def. Think u should bring up all the times the coworker did --to u and especially about talking about...someone said it seems "petty" but there's nothing petty here --u can ignore about the "touching hair" part (bec u did do that) and just say something that shows u are a "good" worker who follows rules and then explain how this coworker always had it out for u"" and she talked about how dirty u are.....and this is why she's making this accusation bec. She's always been "out to get u"!! Then u can list things she did and u can state that u never violated any rules .....
. wen I responded to my accusations I detailed every incident and showed how they had "it out for me" --it didn't matter bec manager was allowed do whatever...but I'm just giving u advice based on my experience so if I'm "way off " then ignore !!
Good luck in sorry u are going through this!

groisamomma

Fri, Jul 22 2016, 1:21 am

I disagree with most of the posts here. IMO you should definitely bring up past examples of her inappropriate behavior, especially the comments about soap. Staying on the defense makes you perfect bait and she can do this again, seeing as how her word was so easily accepted. I liked your version of the email above, and I want to add two things:
a) Please respond to the email by requesting a meeting with the boss that sent you the email and request that the same witness be present.
b) More importantly, since her allegations were written in the email, your allegations need to be documented as well. Make a list like the other poster suggested and once the meeting wraps up send an email referring to the "incidents that were discussed regarding XYZ."

You know, mistakes happen at work and sometimes we learn the hard way whom to steer clear of. It's possible she is jealous of you for some reason and this is her way of bringing you down. But seriously, no way to clear your name?! Please don't be a pushover or this may happen again.

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Jul 22 2016, 10:54 am

DrMom wrote:

Your workplace is a mess. Tugging on an assistant's hair? Making comments about co-workers zxual lives and subsequent genital washing habits? Yelling in front of clients? Racist managers?

My work place is a mess but I don't think it's because I once tugged on her hair to get her attention when we were laughing and joking.

TBH the s-xual talk at work is out of hand. After coming back from getting married in place of congratulations EVERYONE was asking how he is in bed and commenting on very specific details (no, I didn't answer). My supervisor talked to me about personal massagers talking about which is the best (completely unsolicited...she was teasing me about my intimate life) and a couple of people routinely bring up how they are going to get my man. It's all done in a joking way and while I was shocked about the respones after my wedding and I'm repulsed when they talk about going after my man I never felt threatened. I'd also never think of complaining to someones supervisor just because I was mad about something unrelated.

I'm actually grateful I got the wake up call to be more careful in this regard. I still resent her and want to clear my name but the truth is when I started I was NOT comfortable with these talks and now I'm just used to it being an every day occurence and have no issue participating. It's not who I am or want to be and it will remind me to never cross that line again. I'm not grateful that I have to continue working with this allegation against me.

And anyone know my legal rights? I know they have to take her complaints seriously but there has to be something to do to protect me aginst false accusations as well. She went back through a year of history of us being coworkers on good terms and getting a long and joking a lot because of a one time thing. Those things never bothered her and they didn't happen the way she portrayed it. Not even close. The "hair pulling" incident happened a good 8 months ago. If she was that bothered she would have brought it up then. She didn't and it hasnt happened since so....