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Drama when daddy leaves country
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 6:41 pm
It's already the 4th time and it's getting harder instead of easier. I grew up with dad joining us for weekends and going back to the city for the week and never thought twice about it. Dh is a more involved father than mine but still. I can't even find the words to explain what is going on here but I am at my wits end. It's not a one-time affair either, it keeps coming back. Starting shabbos night already telling daddy not to leave. Protests all Sunday. Escalation around bedtime. If his ride is late then it just drags on worse but even if he's gone already it can last hours. Hysteria. Then at random times during the week especially at bedtime or when I do something she doesn't like. Then as Friday gets closer again it starts up again, and when he gets here mixed in with happy greetings is more crying over how much she missed him.

We've had emotional regulation issues in the past but this is just incredible. (Thought of posting in our challenging children forum). It's a vicious cycle too because it is seriously impacting everyone's sleep schedule which of course in turn makes us all more emotional.

Most of the time we're having a great time but this is chipping away at my sanity. And I'm wondering if the periodic major regressive meltdowns are even worth it. This is seriously insane. I'm talking about hours at a time about twice a week.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 6:44 pm
I think she had a point.
The system is odd, if you think about it!!
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 6:45 pm
If you ask me... No it's not worth it. But then I've never really understood the dad-in-the-city-mom-and-kids-in-country model of summer vacation. We spent 18 summers in Brooklyn without ever going away except for brief weekends with the whole family.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 6:47 pm
I agree that this does sound excessive. I really didn't care when my dad left us as kids. My own kids barely notice when my husband is gone. It sounds like she is struggling with some anxiety regarding daddy leaving her. Did you try to ask her about it at a calm moment? Maybe she is scared something bad will happen or that he won't come back?
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 6:55 pm
How old is she?
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penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 7:24 pm
And here I thought this thread would be about a family in EY whose father has to go to Chul periodically, and how hard it is on the kids. Shows you how far 'the county' is from my frame of reference.

S/o was just saying they were filling out passport control forms on a plane and the guy in the next row asked "vos darfen zei vissen vi ich gei in kontry arein?"
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 7:24 pm
Even better - I work in a school & an applicant (graduating high school) for residence filled out his address, city & state, and for country "Something Estates"
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Tzutzie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 7:42 pm
My husband rarely sees the kids on a regular weekday. Monday thru thursday he either has already left when we get up or is in a rush and leaving just then. But he is a very dotting father when he IS around. That is Friday afternoon and shabbos.
My kids ask for him often and my 16 month old looks for him thru the slants of the porch gate where he usually leaves for shul saying "tatty". It all depends on the type of child. Some kids - especially girls - have a faze of 'only tatty'.

What helps with my kids is facetime! Every night before bed and sometimes in middle of the day too. Can you facetime with him? Or would that only make it worse?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 8:49 pm
Dd in question is 5 1/2.

Dh routinely worked nights and/or long days over the past couple of years and it was never this bad. Plenty of fathers are out much of the week even when living under the same roof so I don't think the country thing is that bizarre. With the exception of these crazy meltdowns it's actually going great.

I think Skype does help, it arouses some more crying but hasn't been that bad and they seem to enjoy it and look forward to it. But times like tonight that promise didn't take us very far.

Tonight's sadness lasted from around 5 until after 11. Not constant, there was a lot of calm amid the storm, but some of the times were intense enough to balance it out.

I played some kids' guided mediations on YouTube that she responds pretty well to but soon after I'd try to stop it would be almost back to square one.

I think part of the problem tonight was that he was supposed to leave with someone else at a certain time and they kept putting it off. Next time I'm going to make sure it's a cleaner breakaway. Still, last week was very clean and much earlier in the day and we still had quite a bedtime meltdown.

She's really fine without him, she just works herself up into this hysteria at the idea of him leaving. I've tried pointing this out, reminding her how great previous weeks were and how much fun is planned for the next week and of course that didn't help.

This is not the only area in which she had difficulty accepting things not being the way she wants but since this one is recurring exactly the same each time I feel like maybe some kind of strategy can be worked out.

It probably doesn't help that it's been a month since she's had any seit or ot. Darned board of darned ed.
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cbsp




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 9:04 pm
amother wrote:
Even better - I work in a school & an applicant (graduating high school) for residence filled out his address, city & state, and for country "Something Estates"


My DH's elementary school (Boro Park in the '70s) asked "which country" (in Yiddish) and my Detroit born and bred MIL answered "USA"

I guess it depends on your perspective...
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Abby2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 24 2016, 11:00 pm
I'm no professional, but from personal experience it sounds like anxiety.

Is she perhaps scared something might happen to him when he is out of sight?
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 2:50 am
Is it possible for Daddy to stay with the family and commute daily?
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:09 am
If he can't make a clean getaway, he needs to invent one. DH hides in Shul. A neighbor or a store is good too.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 3:21 am
Is she rigid about other changes in routine? Has she been evaluated for ASD spectrum? Some kids just never get used to shifting gears, and will always need accommodation, while others can become more flexible with a lot of therapy. Is she a fearful child in general?

Try running her legs off all day long, swimming, etc. I found that if DD didn't get enough exercise, she would wear herself out with tantrums. It was like she actually enjoyed the intensity of it, and did it to herself on purpose so that she could blow off extra energy. By the time she wore herself out she'd act like she felt all better. It was a big release.

Oddly, she's 13 now, and really enjoys watching movies that make her cry. The more tragic, the better. IDGI, but it makes her "happy". What
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 4:41 am
I would empathize with her when she's having trouble and then try to find ways to make her feel like her father is more involved. At 5.5, I'm assuming she can't write well but can draw. Ask her if they should draw him pictures of things you do every day so she won't forget everything she has to tell him! And then add in things like "Daddy is sad to miss our trip to the pool today, but let's draw a nice picture and daddy will be so happy to hear all about and see it!"

Also, maybe try to do fun things to prepare for him coming. Bake him special brownies for when he comes and have her pack him up a special bag with stuff to take home.
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cholenteater




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 10:17 am
Would it help to write out the routine in book form? Have her color the pictures and you can read it nightly to help her transition.
The book can describe and validate her feelings. ( enjoy coming up with your own sentences but maybe something in the lines like this- daddy is coming soon I am so excted!... daddy is leaving and I am so dissapointed. I really love to spend time with daddy and want him to stay here. He needs to go back home to go to work etc..... This makes me feel sad. I miss daddy! I can draw a picture for daddy, or ( activity ) and when he comes I can show it to him!.... on Thursday daddy will come to see me! I am happy he will be here. We can do (activities....)
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 10:24 am
cholenteater wrote:
Would it help to write out the routine in book form? Have her color the pictures and you can read it nightly to help her transition.
The book can describe and validate her feelings. ( enjoy coming up with your own sentences but maybe something in the lines like this- daddy is coming soon I am so excted!... daddy is leaving and I am so dissapointed. I really love to spend time with daddy and want him to stay here. He needs to go back home to go to work etc..... This makes me feel sad. I miss daddy! I can draw a picture for daddy, or ( activity ) and when he comes I can show it to him!.... on Thursday daddy will come to see me! I am happy he will be here. We can do (activities....)


We did this for a child who couldn't transition from one activity to the next (naptime, to playground, to supper, to bath ,etc.). It was great! Each morning we drew a picture timeline of the events that were going to happen that day. If we had to make a change we'd go and erase the picture and make a new one. We referred to it throughout the day. My son (who has a photographic memory) would just need one reminder - the next picture is coming up! - before happily (!) going to the next activity. Life-changing for us.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 10:31 am
I'll try the book thing. Dd loves books, maybe that will be more soothing than me trying to talk it out.

She doesn't have a problem with transitions per se, it's more of a perfectionist needing everything to be ideal kind of thing I think. Plus overall emotionality plus some unspecified anxiety. ..
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cholenteater




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 25 2016, 10:47 am
seeker wrote:
I'll try the book thing. Dd loves books, maybe that will be more soothing than me trying to talk it out.

She doesn't have a problem with transitions per se, it's more of a perfectionist needing everything to be ideal kind of thing I think. Plus overall emotionality plus some unspecified anxiety. ..


It may be a better option to make the book about a different girl- as in the main character is not your daughter, and not written in first person. That way you can refer to the book and say (example-) look Dina feels so upset that her daddy left? Do you ever feel like that? Oh, your feeling so upset that daddy left.... let's check what Dina did when she was feeling upset! Look she drew a picture! Do you want to color something special for daddy? Etc.
Depending on your child, this may be a better approach. When the book is not about directly about her, she can identify with the main character and feel validated that way. She can connect to Dina and see that another girl's daddy also goes home and also comes back each week.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Jul 26 2016, 2:42 pm
My father used to travel a lot for work. I had a really hard time with it. Even today as an adult with a logical understanding of why my parents had to do that, I still resent that they chose anything over us being together. So please don't downplay her reactions or suggest she has a problem because of it. Having your father leave you all the time can be traumatic, and that is not abnormal. That being said, taking her to see psychologist to find better ways of dealing with her feelings about it could be so beneficial.

My parents also did do things to make it easier for me. First of all, I was always promised a gift when he came back. I know this sounds cheesy or like a bribe, but it really helped. I treasured each and every one of those gifts, and still have them all. And the next time my father was away, I found comfort in the gifts. They were nothing big - little souvenirs mostly, and my father would sometimes drop hints as to what they might be. Also, back then we didn't have skype, so my parents made videos for me - these were amazing - the content was a total surprise (except the parts I was in) and I was only allowed to watch them when my father was away - I actually looked forward to them, and since my father was the star of the show, it helped bridge the gap. I knwo skype sounds better because it's in real time, but I think the home videos really gave me something fun to look forward too, and they were available any time I wanted, even if my father wasn't.

Personally, I think if you have the option of having your husband be with you all the time and not leave, that would be so so much better for this particular child's emotional health. Some kids deal with it okay, and some don't. It sounds like your kid has a very hard time, and she's right. As someone who never got over it, being able to be together should be your top choice. If it's not possible, I recommend a psychologist and some good things to look forward too.
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