Non-Jewish family | Imamother

Jul26

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:05 pm

I am an Orthodox convert. We (my husband and his family and our children) are all very close with my parents who are not Jewish. It is not always easy to navigate this territory of different religions but I love them dearly and it is very important for us to maintain our close relationship.
My children simply adore their grandparents(my parents). But my oldest son(6 years old) is sad that his grandparents are not Jewish. He is talking about it a lot lately because he finds it confusing and is trying to make sense of it. Six year old kids want everyone they love to be the same; same religion, same way of eating, same holidays.
I feel totally inept in how to talk about this with him. Is there anyone else out there who has this issue? I feel so alone in how to navigate this world of two religious in one family. The people I know in similar situations have the non Jewish family living very far away so there is minimal contact or are not close with their non Jewish family.
Any thoughtful advice would be welcome.

imasinger

Wed, Jul 27 2016, 11:40 pm

Welcome to Imamother! You will find many helpful posts if you join the BT/Gerim section.

I think 6 is an ideal age to talk about celebrating difference. Read him the Dr Seuss classic, "Come Over to My House" (published under his Theo LeSieg pen name). Talk to him about how no two people are alike, but we can respect and live family, even when we have different beliefs. Ask your parents to discuss this with him, too, if they're willing.

You can ask a rav you trust to help you handle this as well.

SRB

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 1:30 am

I will be following this discussion as I am a BT and my DH is a convert. We have a toddler DS and I think about how I will deal these issues in the near future. I am also very close to my parents and DS spends lots of time with them. I'm sure he will have many questions.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 1:45 am

Jul26 wrote:

But my oldest son(6 years old) is sad that his grandparents are not Jewish. He is talking about it a lot lately because he finds it confusing and is trying to make sense of it. Six year old kids want everyone they love to be the same; same religion, same way of eating, same holidays.

What kind of school does your ds go to? Are there other children with non-Jewish family members and is the school sensitive to that? Something you might want to pay attention to is the messages your son may be getting at school about "g0yim". They may be subtly or even overtly negative and you would want to address and correct that. If it happens a lot you might want to reconsider your school choice.

amother

Pink

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 6:16 am

Explain Hashem created the world with both Jewish and non Jewish people. Just like we have 613 mitzvos, Non Jews also have mitzvos and have to be good people.

I have non Jewish grandparents too but we didn't see them that often since they lived a few hours away. They would come to stay midweek not at yom tov time. Maybe try and see your parents not on shabbos or yom tov so there aren't too many issues.

Now, as an adult, I am sad I didn't know them better - they died when I was a young teenager. I think it is wonderful your children have a close relationship with them. Your son won't be 6 forever...he will get over this phase.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 9:43 am

I wish you hatzlacha. I can't give you any practical advice but IME so many non-FFBs are who are they are not in spite of their families but because of them, and they bring the best of their background along with them. I hope you'll be able to convey this to your kids as they grow up and deal with their grandparents, even with all the differences and logistics such as kashrus, celebrations, etc. that come up.

ETA: I learn with someone whose ex MIL, not Jewish, told her 5 y.o. son that it's such a pity that he won't be able to play with his cousins after he dies because he won't be in heaven with them. I know, shock

right? But something else to convey to your kids is that Hashem rewards everyone for their good actions, in this world and the next.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Thu, Jul 28 2016, 9:46 am; edited 1 time in total

Jul26

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 9:45 am

Thank you so much for this support and good advice on a the Dr. Sues book and what to emphasize when talking to my son. I wanted to reply to each of your posts individually but have not figured out the technology on that.

The reply about what sort of school my son goes to gave me something to think about. We happen to be moving the children to a MO Yeshiva in Sept. but at the moment the past school and summer camps have been Orthodox friendly but very Jewishly diverse. Because of the diversity of families there is a lot of attention on creating positive Jewish identity and less on the religious aspects. Maybe this is not always the best approach, as in my sons case I think he is absorbing that being Jewish is amazing but also better and less about Jewish values.
The school we are going to will emphasize the religious aspects much more and I think this will be very positive.

To the person that wrote they are a BT and husband is a convert I would say keeping close ties with non Jewish parents is very hard work sometimes but extremely worthwhile for everyone involved.

As I examine what people have written I realize in my heart of hearts I sometimes wish my parents were Jewish too. In dealing with my son, I have to be more honest with myself, kids pick up on everything.

Thanks everyone.

greenfire

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 11:40 pm

maintaining the close relationship is really all you need - even on shabbos if they are so inclined

when your son/children sees that hashem wants us to all love each other & you do same even with your non-jewish relatives - he in turn will learn to respect all of god's creations

look upon it as a brocha in disguise